Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]What a woman want most is security. That’s what she yells for, anyway, each time I approach one in a club.
Hear about the soldier who got a court martial from his Arctic post for peeing in the snow? His commanding officer took one look at the yellow stripe and accused him of coward ice.
My mother had me deliver invitations to my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I found out which of us was the favorite twin.
Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. Those who learn too much history are doomed to repeat it as a profession.
My doctor informed my that my hair’s infested with parasites. It made me feel lousy.
Brunette: “Wow! How’d you get so many bruises?”
Blonde: “It’s all my boyfriend’s fault! He saw me cracking walnuts with my cellphone and told me to use my head!”
I was supposed to attend Philosophy class; despite my guilty conscience, I went to a comedy club instead. I laughed more than I thought.
“Folks hereabout tell me that you’re 80 years old and still reside in the little farm house where you were born. Tell me, have you really lived here your whole life?”
“Not yet.”
There’s no stopping my wife’s constant yammering advice; it goes in one in ear and right out the other.
The Irish must be facing a frightening level of overpopulation. I hear their capital city is doublin’.
Richard III was in no condition to win the Battle of Bosworth Field... too many restless knights.
I just bought a really nice twelve year old Scotch. Now I’m afraid she’s gonna blab about it to her parents.
“Hi there! I’m here for the free Eve testing!”
“Sir... the sign outside says ‘Free Eye Testing’.”
“You sure? It doesn’t look that way.”
Don’t sweat the petty stuff... pet the sweaty stuff.
I got PTSD from my job at Old Navy... saw too many casual tees.
Jihadists typically attend rallies wearing suicide vests. They’re eager to blend into the crowd.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
Where to stick the carrot.
My girlfriend and I were playing a game of chess when she said to me, “Say... you want to make this interesting?”
“You bet!” I enthusiastically replied.
So we quit playing and went to a movie.
It’s rumored that pirate captain Blackbeard died from a coronary. His final words to his first mate were, “Arrr, me hearty!”
My mom always makes Eggs Benedict for Christmas breakfast. I’m going home for the hollandaise.
Russia is having wide success with a weapon first used by the US in Vietnam: Agent Orange.
Blond guy: “Got any condoms? I’m heading down to John Deere.”
Brunette guy: “John Deere? What for? You’re no farmer! And why would you need a condom?”
Blond guy: “It’s my uncle’s advice. When I asked him how to get a cute girl hot for me, he said I should do something sexy to a tractor.”[/FONT]
* * *
Hear about the soldier who got a court martial from his Arctic post for peeing in the snow? His commanding officer took one look at the yellow stripe and accused him of coward ice.
* * *
My mother had me deliver invitations to my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I found out which of us was the favorite twin.
* * *
Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. Those who learn too much history are doomed to repeat it as a profession.
* * *
My doctor informed my that my hair’s infested with parasites. It made me feel lousy.
* * *
Brunette: “Wow! How’d you get so many bruises?”
Blonde: “It’s all my boyfriend’s fault! He saw me cracking walnuts with my cellphone and told me to use my head!”
* * *
I was supposed to attend Philosophy class; despite my guilty conscience, I went to a comedy club instead. I laughed more than I thought.
* * *
“Folks hereabout tell me that you’re 80 years old and still reside in the little farm house where you were born. Tell me, have you really lived here your whole life?”
“Not yet.”
* * *
There’s no stopping my wife’s constant yammering advice; it goes in one in ear and right out the other.
* * *
The Irish must be facing a frightening level of overpopulation. I hear their capital city is doublin’.
* * *
Richard III was in no condition to win the Battle of Bosworth Field... too many restless knights.
* * *
I just bought a really nice twelve year old Scotch. Now I’m afraid she’s gonna blab about it to her parents.
* * *
“Hi there! I’m here for the free Eve testing!”
“Sir... the sign outside says ‘Free Eye Testing’.”
“You sure? It doesn’t look that way.”
* * *
Don’t sweat the petty stuff... pet the sweaty stuff.
* * *
I got PTSD from my job at Old Navy... saw too many casual tees.
* * *
Jihadists typically attend rallies wearing suicide vests. They’re eager to blend into the crowd.
* * *
What’s the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
Where to stick the carrot.
* * *
My girlfriend and I were playing a game of chess when she said to me, “Say... you want to make this interesting?”
“You bet!” I enthusiastically replied.
So we quit playing and went to a movie.
* * *
It’s rumored that pirate captain Blackbeard died from a coronary. His final words to his first mate were, “Arrr, me hearty!”
* * *
My mom always makes Eggs Benedict for Christmas breakfast. I’m going home for the hollandaise.
* * *
Russia is having wide success with a weapon first used by the US in Vietnam: Agent Orange.
* * *
Blond guy: “Got any condoms? I’m heading down to John Deere.”
Brunette guy: “John Deere? What for? You’re no farmer! And why would you need a condom?”
Blond guy: “It’s my uncle’s advice. When I asked him how to get a cute girl hot for me, he said I should do something sexy to a tractor.”[/FONT]
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