When I see "incel" I think about all the women that have been killed by people like Elliot Rodger and Alek Minassian and wonder how many more have been hurt by a community that wants to kill women. Not sure why anyone would want to be associated with that.
I know why. Or rather I have insight. My own perspective, drawn from my own experiences.
Growing up I was bullied every single school year. Day after day. All except the last one. (We moved out of state.) Even my own mother was a bully to me. Not always but enough that I really did not have a purely safe environment. In school OR at home. It’s only in the last year I’ve come to realize she had an untreated mental illness. It has saddened me to no end… to realize she went her entire life without help.
When I was little, I was watching tv one day. Friday The 13th came on. When I saw how Jason came to be… I felt empathy for him. I connected with the story, and understood how he could come to have such rage. It made sense. I was 8?
Later on I saw other horror characters in a perceived position of power. And Wrestling. Good or bad guys. I would fantasize day to day that these characters were my protectors. (Of course I also had tickling fantasies around some of these characters but… ½ the time it was purely as my protectors.) Anyway, I was being threatened constantly. I was mocked constantly. And when I saw these characters on tv… for a moment... I didn’t feel helpless. I had characters to look up to. Who didn’t take anyone’s b.s anymore. Now, I knew I would NEVER hurt anyone. But… it was a way for me to see others in pain. That wasn’t me for once. I cheered for the bad guys. And was sad when they were defeated. Though in my fantasies… I SAVED THEM from being defeated. And in turn... they loved me…wanted to protect me… and would never hurt me. The worst they would ever do was tickle me. (which is something I wanted of course…) See how these things can get bunched up into a mental ball that's hard to unravel?
Thankfully, I never lost my empathy. Other films and books were life lines to keep my humanity intact. I did have one friend I would see every once in awhile. I also had my Great Grandmother and Grandfather who loved me. They too were being bullied by my mother. And so… I never lost sight that people should not be in pain like this. Thank the stars above. I’m grateful.
One day around 14 or 15 I think… I saw another kid run straight into a tree accidentally. He almost broke his nose, and was bleeding. I laughed my ass off for at least 20 minutes. All that pain was released into something that made me feel good for once. Laughter. Now that is the worst reaction one could have to such an occurrence. But that’s what happened. I did not plan that. How could I? I liked him. But… that feeling… was something I wanted to have again. (And considering I never was tickled myself during those years… ( I DID tickle others… which I won’t get into since those stories happened during my youth.) That laughter that poured out of me felt amazing. Something clicked that day in a very negative way.) What a weird and ironic path to come to right? Esp considering what my fetish is. But that’s what happened. If anyone has read my other writings… well this has nothing to do with Tickling. So, there has been no reason to talk about this. Even though I’ve touched on it in various writings. Idk maybe I have. I’ve been writing for 4 years now so… who knows. But the case could indeed be made that what I wanted sexually… became twisted up into that moment. I don’t think so.. but that element sure has a spotlight on it as I write this. And if that IS true… here again… see how easy it is for emotions to become entangled? And why something like incels have come to fruition?
After so many years of feeling sad. And the lowest self esteem one could have... that moment of seeing that kid run into a tree… I thought to myself. “I am going to laugh at everything and anything. So I never feel sad... or pain ever again. I will NEVER let myself be hurt by ANYONE EVER AGAIN. I will laugh at it ALL.” And I DID. There was nothing anyone could show me that I didn’t laugh at. I trained myself with Horror films, quite quickly, to let laughter be my natural reaction. I ended up dating a pretty big Horror icon. And partied with many more when I got older. All because I admired what they did on screen. And yet… I learned they were nothing like their characters. One of those people was Jake “The Snake” Roberts. I idolized him growing up. And he was very deep into his drug addiction when I met him. He was nice to me though…. until one day…. he turned on me. That was a wake up call. A painful, heart breaking one. I only wanted to help him as I saw how badly he had sunk. That didn’t matter. He turned on me verbally, so badly… I cried all the way home. That was a long and sad, 4 hour ride home. I can’t really impress upon you how that felt. Especially after filling my head with telling me he had fallen in love with me.
Thanks to Diamond Dallas Page he called me a couple years later to apologize. I forgave him. I was thrilled to see him get his life together. But that experience left a scar on my heart. Even when I see him now… it’s painful. I have sat through the films about him. And again felt happy for him. But… I never got over that completely. And he wasn’t the only celebrity to turn on me either. Just because you put kindness coins into someone… doesn’t mean kindness is what comes out. It varies from person to person.
Years before that… again it was horror movies AND online sites… I trained myself to laugh at death itself. (I fear dying. Why not laugh at it too right?) And others misery. If you can laugh at these things… you don’t feel sad or are in pain. And for me…. for once… it wasn’t me in the position of the victim. Anyone who goes years and years of constant attacks… constantly being ostracized… this is the result for a lot or people. But again, thankfully I still had huge amounts of empathy. Honestly too much so. As the example I just shared with Jake… was the result of having too much empathy. I should have just gotten my autograph and left. But… he was a hero to me. Rare is the person who would turn down dinner with one of their heros. And.. how could I leave someone in so much pain? He told me stories that anyone would feel empathy for. The physical pain he was in. His past. I understand why he became a drug addict. I felt I just couldn't up and leave. That goes against everything in my nature. Even with my bullies I tried to find reasons to like them. Because i didn't want to become one of them. Or to act like them. He would call me while I was at work, drunk and high to the point I couldn't understand what he was saying. So, I hung out with Jake for around a couple of months. I kind of became his driver to events. But he also became dependant on me. And told me he was falling in love. So was I. (Is that true that I was falling in love him? No. I had a love for him as a child. And I tried to bring that back to the surface. But... the man that was in front me was not the person I remembered. If anything... he actually was exactly the charachter he portrayed... just a drugged up much, angrier version. So... I think more than anything... I thought with time I could love him. I WANTED to love him... If I could help him. )
But, I knew this wasn’t right for me. Esp if he didn’t get himself together. He did other things that hurt me (almost put me in legal trouble once. He snuck drugs into my car while I was driving him. I was so pissed. ) But… I forgave him... until that last day. All those moments of him doing smack talk in Wrestling… came at ME. And it was far worse than anything he ever said on tv. All because i told him he needed help.
With the incels… they are surrounded by men who basically have done the same thing. They don’t realize they have turned into the aggressor. The bully. And for those unable to express full throttle anger… who are watching others say vicious and outrageous things… they for a moment don’t feel helpless. They can laugh at others pain. And can say whatever they feel like for the most part… and be encouraged for it.
The other painful aspect here is that when one has suicidal thoughts… others will encourage them to do it. Rather than say… “Hey no no no.. that's wrong. You shouldn't feel that way.” When people see those same thoughts and feelings in others… that the viewer has in their own life… they want the other in question to kill off their OWN pain. (The viewer) That pain (they THINK) can be killed vicariously. (Kinda like the book Lord Of The Flies.) They hate their “weakness”. They hate being a victim. And yet… they can’t stop being one. In other words… if they could push someone into killing themselves… who already has expressed the wish to do it… they can live vicariously through that person. And not go through with it themselves. Suicide by proxy. And even take pleasure in that... they can finally feel some amount of control. I was suicidal too. Never took steps but… I use to think of people who did commit suicide as “At least they accomplished and did what they wanted to do. I wish I could do that too. I feel like such a loser that I can’t even commit suicide.” I was a child having those thoughts. Which is just a nightmare. It’s glorification of a perceived loss of control over one’s life… that has a perceived control.... at its most painful. This is instilled in childhood for most. Mental illness is also prevalent in this community. I went back to the forum I read this morning. They took a poll on how many of them have mental illness. And what the illness is. It’s a LOT. So unless they receive treatment… they will remain untreated. And the cycle will continue for most.
Being listened to through aggressive commentary becomes a high. The victim (the incel) becomes the bully. And they recieve attention. At “Chads and Stacy's”. The dominant talkers (and killers/ rapists/ stalkers…) … are put on a pedestal. (Remember some of this IS fantasy and “tough guy talk”) They say and do things the others wish or fantasize they could. It’s about power. It makes them feel recognized. Their pain recognized. They can live vicariously through those “dominant” incels. The words/ posts showcase the pain. Even though really it's all talk. The pain is real. The anger is real. But going forward with any of it… is just a fantasy. For most of them… not all. Some go through with the crimes they talk about. As we already know. The shooting that just happened in Jacksonville… was he an incel> Possibly. But if I assume that… I’m stereotyping as well. And I won’t do that. But that was my first thought. And I know the incel community is not that large. As per the forums anyway. The real #'s... hard to say.
Just like I looked up to horror characters… these “dominant” incels are those horror characters. The incels finally have people to perceive as protecting them. Other aspects: If a woman tries to get on that board (even if they take the incel label on to themselves) they are banned. If a man has a sexual experience… they are prohibited from talking about it. See? They are not giving an inch for hope. Pain is what they are used to. Happiness is not a feeling they are use to. It’s foreign to them. SO the brain goes… “Wtf… no no.. I am miserable… get that other feeling back. I’m addicted to that other feeling.. not this.” Combine this with no sex. Self worth goes right out the window. And it's hard to find that self worth if support isn’t in their life Which is why therapy is so important. I can’t stress that enough. But even with support (like I had) its easier to cling to the feelings of sadness and anger. If that is what one is used to in bigger doses. Getting better almost feels like a betrayel of what one experienced. "How can you tell me to get better? I experienced X,Y, and Z. You don't know what you're talking about. I am a victim". Rape Victims have similiar emotions. Especially when the thought of having sex again comes up. Fear. Fear of it happening again. But with incels: If they try to meet someone... the person could let them down. Thus reindoctrinating into them into what they already believe. That they aren't good enough. And no one will like or love them. Rape victims have trauma. . I believe so do incels. And every time they talk to someone... they go through the bad experiences in their minds all over again. So they cut them off at the pass before they can get hurt. Even though isolation is furthering the pain.
That pain has to come out somehow. For some of them as they get older it will go away. Just like it did for me. Or a series of events will be there wake up call. But I took the steps to have healthier thinking besides the various wake up calls. I stopped watching horror which was one the biggest. I stopped going to horror forums. Now, I can barely watch horror films anymore. The only one I watch is the Walking Dead. And only because it was given to me as a present. It’s a good show. But… its scares me. It depresses me. Which are the correct reactions. And that lets me know I, long ago, trained myself into the correct feelings. And anyone who knows me here… knows I am a nice person. Friendly. It took time to train myself out of the eternal victim mentality. That addiction to a perceived power. I was a victim. But that didn’t mean I had to stay one. Which is why I say quite often… the brain becomes addicted to sadness. Or anger. It’s true.
The incel forums provide a space to come to. To commiserate with others… but to lash out without consequence. The good news is that… most of these people won’t hurt anyone. It’s their way of fantasizing. Their way of getting out their anger. But… it not productive. It’s only a way of swimming around in each others misery. They become addicted to it. But see just like the OP… its people like him who are trying to break away from that. Which is a great sign. But it's a hard and slow process when you have to turn against your perceived protectors. Which is why its imperative to leave those forums. I could have stayed with Jake. But I knew I would be enabling him. To stay with him would have meant I would have had to stay silent about his addiction. Not only with drugs… but to end up and be his continuous, verbal, punching bag.
Notice I didn’t share my story until chicago posed this question. But because people are scared and curious as to why this community exists… I thought my story would shed a bit of light on it. But, I know I’m doing the OP a disservice by sharing it to a degree. It’s another story filled with sad stories. Another reason to say “SEE… people are ASSHOLES”. No. Not everyone is.
In my life story… I came out the other side. I was proactive in becoming happy. You won’t see that aspect on incel forums. So… again. I wish you well on your journey to happiness. You can find it.. if you work at it. But you have to work at it… if you want it badly enough. And I think you do.
. Focus on building a social foundation, bolstering your confidence, and just loving yourself. Everything else will fall in line.
