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Question about people married or formerly married to someone that hates being a lee

dancingfreak

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Oct 21, 2012
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So tonight as I was trying to lay down at 1AM after working Labor Day in the Emergency Department, my wife wakes up and starts having a breakdown in regards to me tickling her. She tells me that she hates it, gets anxiety over it when we are having sex, and has horrible nightmares about me tickling her. I told her that if it’s really bothering her that bad then I’ll stop and we’ll just figure it out. She offered to tickle me more but I said that I really preferred to tickle her. She got really upset and stated that I just loved something that forced her body against her will. I again stated that I wouldn’t tickle her if it caused her these problems.

Now for a little backstory. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 9 and have 2 kids under 5 in that timeframe. I’ve had a primarily foot tickling kink since at least 6th grade (over 20 years) and the most severe I’ve ever tickled her is holding her legs for no more than 15 seconds while tickling her feet. She never allowed me to tie her up with any sort of bondage or use anything other then my fingers to tickle her. Finally, when I quickly run a finger down her foot or goose her sides it’s been my way of showing her affection.

I guess my question is has anyone else ever dealt with this? If so, how did you resolve this or how did this impact your relationship? I’m not a monster so I’m going try my best to refrain from tickling her, but these are urges I’ve had for over half my life. I’m also hesitant to talk about it with others here as there really isn’t any tickling scene in Maine and the local fetish/kink scene is very anti-foot and anti-tickling. I’ve been a lurker in this forum since it’s creation so I’m hoping I can get some advice from anyone that’s had this type of experience.


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I’ve never been in this position, but it sounds very much like there is a trust issue here.

If I were you, I think I would be BEGGING her to let me tie her up. Not so I could tickle her, you understand, but just to give her a good time!

At the moment, it sounds like she believes that you’re just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on her. If you can prove to her that even when she’s completely helpless, you can control your urges in this respect, then that would be a start, I think.

And you might be thinking, “Well, that’s all very well, but what’s in it for me?” lol And the answer is: Not a lot… to begin with, anyway. And it could be that she’ll always be dead set against leeing, who knows. But I think for there to be any realistic chance of you indulging your fetish with her, you must first find a way of establishing unwavering trust in this area.

Beyond that, I would just recommend talking it through.

Cheers. :)
 
All due respect to Vanillaphant, but no.

She hates being tickled. To the point that it's giving her anxiety. DO NOT TICKLE HER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

I do agree that you need to rebuild trust with your wife. So do not goose her sides. Don't sneak a quick tickle in on her foot. You may think it's being affectionate, and perhaps with another person it would be seen as such. But not for her. It's a source of stress. Understand, that this fetish doesn't men the same thing to everybody. I have a partner who hates being tickled. So I don't tickle her. Now I do playfully use the threat of it when we're being silly, but I still don't tickle her, and this causes no stress on her part. But that's not the case with your wife. The next time, several times actually, that you two are intimate, let her be in the driver's seat. Give her all of the control. Because rebuilding that trust and getting her over that anxiety is going to take time.

I also agree that talking about it will help. But you're probably never going to be able to indulge, however quickly or gently, this fetish with her.
 
I’ve never been in this position, but it sounds very much like there is a trust issue here.

If I were you, I think I would be BEGGING her to let me tie her up. Not so I could tickle her, you understand, but just to give her a good time!

At the moment, it sounds like she believes that you’re just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on her. If you can prove to her that even when she’s completely helpless, you can control your urges in this respect, then that would be a start, I think.

And you might be thinking, “Well, that’s all very well, but what’s in it for me?” lol And the answer is: Not a lot… to begin with, anyway. And it could be that she’ll always be dead set against leeing, who knows. But I think for there to be any realistic chance of you indulging your fetish with her, you must first find a way of establishing unwavering trust in this area.

Beyond that, I would just recommend talking it through.

Cheers. :)

Unfortunately, we tried easing into bondage once many years ago. It was the loops that go on a wrist or ankle and then connect under the bed. There was no tickling that was going to be involved and I only put it on one of her wrists when she started panicking. She was almost crying and hyperventilating at I guess the thought of one of her arms being unable to move (I hadn’t even tried to tighten the slack that connected under the bed). I immediately took it off her wrist and we decided that bondage was off the table since she had such a reaction to it and she’s still very anti-anything like that.


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All due respect to Vanillaphant, but no.

She hates being tickled. To the point that it's giving her anxiety. DO NOT TICKLE HER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

I do agree that you need to rebuild trust with your wife. So do not goose her sides. Don't sneak a quick tickle in on her foot. You may think it's being affectionate, and perhaps with another person it would be seen as such. But not for her. It's a source of stress. Understand, that this fetish doesn't men the same thing to everybody. I have a partner who hates being tickled. So I don't tickle her. Now I do playfully use the threat of it when we're being silly, but I still don't tickle her, and this causes no stress on her part. But that's not the case with your wife. The next time, several times actually, that you two are intimate, let her be in the driver's seat. Give her all of the control. Because rebuilding that trust and getting her over that anxiety is going to take time.

I also agree that talking about it will help. But you're probably never going to be able to indulge, however quickly or gently, this fetish with her.

I completely agree that I need to ensure that I don’t tickle her anymore. I’m just trying to see if I’m the only one in this same situation or if others have practical advice.

Since you said you have a partner that doesn’t like to be tickled, are you fine with not being able to do any physical tickling with them? Do you have urges to physically tickle someone or have a way to handle that urge?


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Unfortunately, we tried easing into bondage once many years ago. It was the loops that go on a wrist or ankle and then connect under the bed. There was no tickling that was going to be involved and I only put it on one of her wrists when she started panicking. She was almost crying and hyperventilating at I guess the thought of one of her arms being unable to move (I hadn’t even tried to tighten the slack that connected under the bed). I immediately took it off her wrist and we decided that bondage was off the table since she had such a reaction to it and she’s still very anti-anything like that.

Ah right. In that case, I don't know what to suggest. But good luck to the two of you. :)


All due respect to Vanillaphant, but no.

She hates being tickled. To the point that it's giving her anxiety. DO NOT TICKLE HER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

Rrrrright. From this, I can only assume you misconstrued what I was saying. The point of which was that the OP does NOT tickle her. As a means of establishing trust.

But as the wife appears to have deep-seated issues regarding bondage (or just loss of physical control generally), then my advice is obviously moot anyway.
 
I'm in the same boat as you: I've been married for over 20 years, and my wife hates being tickled. For a while I did the same thing as you, and all that did was stress her out and strain our relationship.

I'm not gonna lie, you got your work cut out for you. You need to assure her that your relationship is not your fetish. Rebuilding that trust is gonna take a while, and it will be ongoing.

That being said, you also need an outlet for your fetish that the two of you can be okay with, especially if you do it on your own. Again, that'll require even more trust and a good bit of negotiation - she might be cool with you going to a gathering once in a while but not pay-for-play, just to throw out an example.

It will be hard to acquire that trust, but if you both want it - and both work at it - it can be done.

For what is worth, I'm still married, and I'm still working on it.

Good luck!

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Being stuck anywhere that I'm unhappy is a nightmare for me. I wouldn't even know what to do myself. Interested in the advice people might have tho.
 
...she might be cool with you going to a gathering once in a while but not pay-for-play, just to throw out an example.

Normally I'm against pay-for-play where single men are concerned, because social/negotiating skills must be developed by the 'available and seeking' if they're to have something of the type of relationship they desire.

But in this case, while a wife might object to or be fearful of her husband attending a gathering, imagining him playing with happily willing women in a happy communal atmosphere for hours or even a weekend with its attendant nights, she may be more open to a straight, emotionless commercial transaction between two people lasting an hour or so. If the gent emphasises he'll never hire the same girl twice, and rations himself to a very few times a year, that might be another hurdle out of the way.

And he has some variety, if that's his thing, though that's not what a presumably monogamous wife might want to hear.
 
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