Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I was shocked yesterday when my wife told me that the boy I brought up wasn’t really my son. I gotta be a lot more careful when I go get him from school.
Captain James Kirk is such a prankster! The last time the Enterprise was in zero-G, he floated from his command chair and defecated on the ceiling. His mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before.
My wife needs to lose weight. When we went out last night, she was wearing high heels; when we came home, she was wearing slippers.
“Damn it! I put this vintage car away in the garage years ago to protect it from the weather. But a leak in the roof let rainwater in anyway! If I’d left it outside, at least I could have waxed it... now it’s completely ruined! Look at all that rusted metal!”
“Hmmm... that’s irony!”
I’m trying to decide on my college major. Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at!
Qui-Gonn Jinn was s tough Jedi and a ferocious fighter. But that didn’t prevent him from getting mauled.
I asked my brother for help childproofing my home. He told me a condom should do the trick.
A Hollywood production company has made a drama about the very first bathysphere. I understand it’s deeply moving.
My wife and I had a ferocious fight last night, but it ended with her on her knees! It’s the only way she can get at me when I hide under the table.
“Jackie Chan has beaten up an awful lot of people. When the time comes for final judgement, you think that’ll keep him out of Heaven?”
“Nope. There’s no Chans in Hell.”
Today, I’m a world famous magician. My best trick is “Sawing a Person in Two”. As a kid, I’d practice it for hours. My family would help out, of course; I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.
The phrases “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are synonymous. Even so, be careful which one you use at a funeral.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of the chapstick. It was an innocent mistake, but she’s no longer speaking to me.
Job recruiter: “What do you consider to be your most important quality?”
Job applicant: “I don’t know when to quit.”
Recruiter: “Great! You’re hired!”
Applicant: “I quit.”
My current girlfriend has an unusual job; every evening, she comes home in a big white lumpy suit that smells of honey. Yep, she’s a keeper!
This year, the Hubble Space Telescope sent us high resolution pictures of galaxies colliding. Astronomers have seen galaxies collide before, but never in such fine detail; they can now make out lawyers rushing to the scene.
I felt a need for exercise, so I decided to take up fencing. Bad idea... it was the only thing that kept dogs out of my yard.
Zeus wanted to punish Prometheus, so he borrowed a couple of eagles from the post office. They had plenty of experience de-livering.
“So, what’s your ambition?”
“I intend to eradicate every cancer on earth.”
“That’s an admirable goal!”
“After that, I’ll work on the scorpios.”
Apple is releasing its newest model iPhone, and I’m already tired of the splashy hoopla; can’t stand the XS.
Yo mama so fat...
... I suspect she has a glandular problem.
A brunette mob boss tells her blonde underling to rob the house of a millionaire.
“Take a ladder and a shovel,” she orders. “If the security fence is short, use the ladder. If it’s tall, use the shovel.”
Later that night, the blonde comes back empty-handed.
“Well that was a waste of time!” she reports. “There wasn’t any fence.”[/FONT]
* * *
Captain James Kirk is such a prankster! The last time the Enterprise was in zero-G, he floated from his command chair and defecated on the ceiling. His mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before.
* * *
My wife needs to lose weight. When we went out last night, she was wearing high heels; when we came home, she was wearing slippers.
* * *
“Damn it! I put this vintage car away in the garage years ago to protect it from the weather. But a leak in the roof let rainwater in anyway! If I’d left it outside, at least I could have waxed it... now it’s completely ruined! Look at all that rusted metal!”
“Hmmm... that’s irony!”
* * *
I’m trying to decide on my college major. Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at!
* * *
Qui-Gonn Jinn was s tough Jedi and a ferocious fighter. But that didn’t prevent him from getting mauled.
* * *
I asked my brother for help childproofing my home. He told me a condom should do the trick.
* * *
A Hollywood production company has made a drama about the very first bathysphere. I understand it’s deeply moving.
* * *
My wife and I had a ferocious fight last night, but it ended with her on her knees! It’s the only way she can get at me when I hide under the table.
* * *
“Jackie Chan has beaten up an awful lot of people. When the time comes for final judgement, you think that’ll keep him out of Heaven?”
“Nope. There’s no Chans in Hell.”
* * *
Today, I’m a world famous magician. My best trick is “Sawing a Person in Two”. As a kid, I’d practice it for hours. My family would help out, of course; I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.
* * *
The phrases “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are synonymous. Even so, be careful which one you use at a funeral.
* * *
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of the chapstick. It was an innocent mistake, but she’s no longer speaking to me.
* * *
Job recruiter: “What do you consider to be your most important quality?”
Job applicant: “I don’t know when to quit.”
Recruiter: “Great! You’re hired!”
Applicant: “I quit.”
* * *
My current girlfriend has an unusual job; every evening, she comes home in a big white lumpy suit that smells of honey. Yep, she’s a keeper!
* * *
This year, the Hubble Space Telescope sent us high resolution pictures of galaxies colliding. Astronomers have seen galaxies collide before, but never in such fine detail; they can now make out lawyers rushing to the scene.
* * *
I felt a need for exercise, so I decided to take up fencing. Bad idea... it was the only thing that kept dogs out of my yard.
* * *
Zeus wanted to punish Prometheus, so he borrowed a couple of eagles from the post office. They had plenty of experience de-livering.
* * *
“So, what’s your ambition?”
“I intend to eradicate every cancer on earth.”
“That’s an admirable goal!”
“After that, I’ll work on the scorpios.”
* * *
Apple is releasing its newest model iPhone, and I’m already tired of the splashy hoopla; can’t stand the XS.
* * *
Yo mama so fat...
... I suspect she has a glandular problem.
* * *
A brunette mob boss tells her blonde underling to rob the house of a millionaire.
“Take a ladder and a shovel,” she orders. “If the security fence is short, use the ladder. If it’s tall, use the shovel.”
Later that night, the blonde comes back empty-handed.
“Well that was a waste of time!” she reports. “There wasn’t any fence.”[/FONT]
