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Friday night nyuks (10-12-18).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My vocabulary is so weak, I don’t even know what the word “introspection” means. Man, I really need to take a long, hard look at my life.

* * *​

“How’d you like a 40 inch TV for only 100 bucks? The volume control doesn’t work, but it’s still a heck of a deal!”

“Hey, I can’t turn that down!”

* * *​

Congress has approved a superhero business tax in which the Avengers are charged for each criminal they bring in. This applies to every one of them except for Spider Man; all his captures count as net income.

* * *​

My uncle is a tattoo artist who specializes in decorating the breast. He believes in giving tat for tit.

* * *​

The inaugural ribbon for a new casino has divided in two; this was its last resort.

* * *​

Never open an email from Hormel. It could be spam.

* * *​

Brunette: “Find any mothballs in the closet?”

Blonde: “How could I? Those bugs are tiny!”

* * *​

My mom says I’ve been a bad joke since the day I was born; I guess she blew the delivery.

* * *​

There are no anti-vaxxers on Star Trek. That’s because it’s set in the future.

* * *​

The ghost of the chicken I had for dinner came back to haunt me. Technically, such spirits are known as poultry-geist.

* * *​

Judge Kavanaugh was confirmed to the Supreme Court, despite 48 declarations of “No”. Not surprising; that didn’t stop him in college, either.

* * *​

My brother has a plan to sell pizza as an in-flight meal. He says he’ll get rich, but I suspect it’s pie in the sky.

* * *​

After 30 years on the job, the Human Cannonball has decided to retire from the circus. The owners are distraught; it’s going to be tough finding another man of his caliber.

* * *​

I just can’t take it! My wife’s out every night, hitting bar after bar. No matter which one I’m in, she always finds me!

* * *​

It’s hard to understand how Hitler was able to keep all those Jewish people imprisoned. It’s well known they eat locks.

* * *​

I just drove back from a Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires!

* * *​

Chuck Norris has had an uncredited role in every one of the Star Wars films. He played The Force.

* * *​

I slave away at my job day after day and nobody ever seems to notice. Makes me proud to be a pickpocket.

* * *​

Blonde: “Look at me! I’m dressed like a ghost!”

Brunette: “What for? Halloween’s still weeks away!”

Blonde: “Ooops! I spook too soon!”

* * *​

I went to the plastic surgeon for a tummy tuck and he insisted on trying to sell me bicep implants instead. Man, I hate being strong-armed!

* * *​

The Cleveland Indians, the Atlanta Braves and the Washington Redskins all lost last Monday. Coincidence? I think not. It was, after all, Columbus Day.

* * *​

Teacher: “What does A stand for, little Jeffrey?”

Jeffrey: “Apple!”

Teacher: “Very good, Jeffrey! And what is B for, little Mary?”

Mary: “Banana!”

Teacher: “Excellent, Mary! And how about you, little Billy? What is C for?”

Billy: “Plastic explosive.”[/FONT]
 
Lottsa good zingers this week, low_roads! Three favs:

“How’d you like a 40 inch TV for only 100 bucks? The volume control doesn’t work, but it’s still a heck of a deal!”
“Hey, I can’t turn that down!”

Never open an email from Hormel. It could be spam.

These two - just obvious.

The Cleveland Indians, the Atlanta Braves and the Washington Redskins all lost last Monday. Coincidence? I think not. It was, after all, Columbus Day.
Being in Atlanta.......
 
Lottsa good zingers this week, low_roads! Three favs:
Holy smoke, three choices this week! A record for you, I think! Thanks so much for the bounty!

“How’d you like a 40 inch TV for only 100 bucks? The volume control doesn’t work, but it’s still a heck of a deal!”

“Hey, I can’t turn that down!”

Never open an email from Hormel. It could be spam.


These two - just obvious.
Spam and a broken TV... sounds like my Saturday nights!

The Cleveland Indians, the Atlanta Braves and the Washington Redskins all lost last Monday. Coincidence? I think not. It was, after all, Columbus Day.

Being in Atlanta.......
A timely piece of humor (that is to say, good for one week only). My condolences on the loss, buy the way. Being a Niners fan, I know the pain.
 
And, anytime I see a joke about spam, the old Monty Python skit comes to mind...... "spam, spam, spam, spam,......" Them danged Vikings!
 
Well, it was time for something complete different.
 
LOL :p
Great collection! :D
My favorite:

I just can’t take it! My wife’s out every night, hitting bar after bar. No matter which one I’m in, she always finds me!
 
Ah, thanks Milagros! Martial harmony wins out! Guys are so lucky!
 
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