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Need help for story text translation

Pinys

Registered User
Joined
Oct 22, 2018
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Hello everyone :wavingguy,

since english is not my first language and I'm creating a tickling art with story text, I need help with the correction of the story text I have written, in particular I would like to have someone both checking for grammatical mistakes and improving the prose if necessary.
To anyone who will help me, I can only give a great :Kiss1:


This is the story text:

"After an intense study session, Penny and her friend Emma decide to spend out the saturday night. The students go to a just opened nightclub.

The new nightclub is a modern place, full of students but also men and women in their high twenties or at most in their thirties.
While waiting at the bar for her friend Emma to get back from the toilet, Penny meets a man who offers her a drink and with whom she engages in conversation.
In her way back from the toilet Emma sees Penny chatting and flirting with this man, and, after presenting herself and knowing that the man's name is Dan, leave them alone with an excuse.

After talking about nothing, Dan offers Penny to take her home, so they take a last drink; taking advantage of a momentary lapse of the girl, the man put something in her drink.

Sometime later Penny wakes up in Dan's car, which she last remembers to have got in; her hands are tied above her head with a rope, and her feet, bareless, are stuck between the front passenger seat and head restraint.
Before she can make out what it is happening, Dan starts tickling her soft feet making her explode in a hysterical laughter.

Penny is alone with a perv and she is helpless and the night is long and the silence is broken only by her laughter mixed with cry."


and this is the (incomplete) artwork:

temp.png
 
I gave it a shot for you. Mostly it's grammar and re-wording in places to make it flow a little better. Some changes, like changing "toilet" to "bathroom", are more in line with American English (here the toilet is the actual toilet that you sit on; the bathroom is the room where the toilets are). "Making small talk" is a common expression that means the same as "talking about nothing/talking about mundane/trivial things" . Other changes like "shoeless and bare" was where I was trying to find a way to express what I thought you meant ('bareless' doesn't make sense). You could add any other descriptive terms before "cries" at the end that you would like, "desperate" is just the one I used there.
This is the story text:

"After an intense study session, Penny and her friend Emma decide to spend a Saturday night out. The students go to a recently-opened nightclub.

The new nightclub is a modern place, full of students, as well as men and women in their twenties and thirties.

While waiting at the bar for her friend Emma to get back from the bathroom, Penny meets a man who offers her a drink, and with whom she engages in conversation.

On her way back from the bathroom, Emma sees Penny chatting and flirting with this man, and, after introducing herself and learning that the man's name is Dan, she leaves them alone, excusing herself.

After making small talk, Dan offers Penny a ride home, so they take one last drink. Taking advantage of a momentary lapse in the girl's attention, the man puts something in her drink.

Some time later, Penny wakes up in Dan's car, which she last remembers getting into after leaving the club. Her hands are tied above her head with a rope, and her feet, shoeless and bare, are stuck between the front passenger seat and head restraint.
Before she can make out what is happening, Dan starts tickling her soft feet, making her explode in hysterical laughter.

Penny is alone with a pervert, and she is helpless. The night is long, and the silence is broken only by her laughter mixed with her desperate cries."
 
Last edited:
Sorry for the very late reply, but I had already published the final work and forgot to check if someone had given a response.

Anyway, thanks for the corrections, I really really like your version of the story :).

I am doing a rework on the of the first artwork this story is related to and I will publish it with your version of the story ;).

Once again thank you very much!
 
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