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Friday night nyuks (11-16-18).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My son didn’t get the new video game system he wanted for his birthday. He kicked up such a fuss, I had to console him.

* * *​

He: “Do you ever think of anyone else when we’re having sex?”

She: “No, dear, never. It’s always George Clooney.”

* * *​

As a protector of public morals, I must protest the act of pollination. Why can’t those damn flowers just keep it in their plants?

* * *​

It may seem slanderous to call a group of crows a murder, but there is probable caws.

* * *​

I do my best to support local industry, which is why I haven’t bought a new TV. Lately, every set I see anymore says “built in Amplifier”.

* * *​

Jesus’s first miracle was to cure himself of blindness, and it was all thanks to his carpentry. One fateful day, he picked up his hammer and saw.

* * *​

I tend to be on the scrawny side; that’s because a high metabolism runs in my family. My neighbor’s on the obese side; that’s because no one runs in his family.

* * *​

Gandalf: “Where did you two scamps go in such a hurry?”

Merry: “We had to pee, so we ran off behind those trees.”

Pippin: “Yeah. We did miss anything, did we?”

Gandalf: “Fly, you fools!”

* * *​

I’d already driven out of the garage before I found out the mechanic neglected to fix my reverse gear. Well, there’s no going back now.

* * *​

The US tried switching to the metric system in 1975, but it never caught on. A good thing, too. Imagine if we suddenly started using grams and kilograms instead of pounds and ounces; it would only create mass confusion.

* * *​

Tonight I’m going to a kick boxing class. Hope it works... I’ve been trying to quit punching people for years.

* * *​

The ancients used to talk about “the music of the spheres”. It’s a idea started by Pythagoras way back in the 6th century BC. And that long before he knew there were any Neptunes!

* * *​

If I got one dollar for every existing gender, I’d have two actual bucks and a small fortune in Monopoly money.

* * *​

Frankenstein monster: “I’d like absolution, Father. I am, after all, half Catholic.”

Priest: “Oh? On your mother’s side or your father’s side?”

Monster: “On my left side, I think.”

* * *​

After 20 years of marriage, I’ve found that I’m bisexual. I don’t have sex more than twice a year.

* * *​

It’s hard to believe that an escaped slave could raise an entire army... successfully defy the Roman Empire for three whole years... and still not know that all his comrades were named Spartacus!

* * *​

My last girlfriend stole my heart. Well, I wasn’t having that, so I placed her under cardiac arrest.

* * *​

“What do we want?”

“A CURE FOR DYSLEXIA!”

“When do we want it?”

“OWN!”

* * *​

Anesthesiology is a well-paid profession, but never get employed by a brain surgeon. The work is mind numbing.

* * *​

I’ve just been told I have xenophobia. Bet I caught it from some damn foreigner!

* * *​

To keep up morale, some oil rigs are starting to build facilities for bordellos. They believe in off-shore drilling.

* * *​

In the past, California forests were best represented by sequoias and sycamore. Nowadays, most of the trees are ash.[/FONT]
 
As always, many good ones....some I won't mention for certain reasons. Two goodies fer me:

The US tried switching to the metric system in 1975, but it never caught on. A good thing, too. Imagine if we suddenly started using grams and kilograms instead of pounds and ounces; it would only create mass confusion.

As a scientist, yeh - that's the ticket......

To keep up morale, some oil rigs are starting to build facilities for bordellos. They believe in off-shore drilling.

Having worked in the oil industry years ago (on shore, though) - I could see that happening, to attract workers.....


In the past, California forests were best represented by sequoias and sycamore. Nowadays, most of the trees are ash.

With all due respect to our fellow TMFers in Cali.... I lived in So. Cal. for 5 years, so I know a bit about what they may be dealing with. Best to them.
 
Last edited:
As always, many good ones....some I won't mention for certain reasons. Two goodies fer me:

The US tried switching to the metric system in 1975, but it never caught on. A good thing, too. Imagine if we suddenly started using grams and kilograms instead of pounds and ounces; it would only create mass confusion.

As a scientist, yeh - that's the ticket......
Once again, Rdhd, thank you for your kind words and favorites choices! Happy I found another on that hit home!

To keep up morale, some oil rigs are starting to build facilities for bordellos. They believe in off-shore drilling.

Having worked in the oil industry years ago (on shore, though) - I could see that happening, to attract workers.....
Full employment for everybody!


In the past, California forests were best represented by sequoias and sycamore. Nowadays, most of the trees are ash.

With all due respect to our fellow TMFers in Cali.... I lived in So. Cal. for 5 years, so I know a bit about what they may be dealing with. Best to them.
Amen to that. I live in the San Francisco North Bay Area; last year, the Atlas Fire was scorching our local hills and it seemed like Hell on earth. This year, the threat is more remote, but the horrific damage is rocking everybody despite proximity. The Camp Fire has wiped out whole towns, with a death toll in the 70s and over a thousand unaccounted for. The air quality is horrendous; breathing masks are pretty much mandatory for anyone venturing outside. We’d dodged really bad fires for several years prior to this. Maybe next year there won’t be anything left to burn.
 
LOL :p
Great collection! :D
My favorite:

“What do we want?”

“A CURE FOR DYSLEXIA!”

“When do we want it?”

“OWN!”

It reminds me of this classic:

What is an insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
Somebody who lies awake at night wondering whether or not there is a Dog.
 
What is an insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
Somebody who lies awake at night wondering whether or not there is a Dog.
Ah, another jewel! Perhaps it’s unfair to laugh at someone’s misfortunes, but with dyslexia the urge is irresistible! I pray sufferers will forgive us our good-natured mirth!

A swell addition, Milagros! Thank you for that and for your fine favorites choice!
 
Thank you, Hot_Flicker! Glad you’re enjoying!
 
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