VERY embarrassing masturbation experience (Have a laugh)

So just a little bit about me and my masturbation experience.

My first masturbation experience was when I was in middle school. Started by grinding on my sheets and always have ever since. Didn't know how to make it feel good using my hands.

So here I am, 23. Virgin. Never had someone give me a blowjob (Only a handjob, but I was so nervous I couldn't cum). So what does my very smart brain choose to do? Order a male masturbation toy for $35 with free lube!

Couple of days in of getting the toy. Clueless on how it works. Came with directions in Chinese. Don't understand it. So I start experimenting the toy myself. I was most likely doing it all wrong since it didn't feel good at all.

And just today, I decided to pull an all nighter, listening to HFO-ASMR. Was in the mood so I decided to test the toy again. I lube myself up and stick it in. Okay, it seems to be working since I couldn't fit it in that far before. But wait, it's starting to hurt. So I pull the toy roughly off and bam. I see the mushroom that I haven't seen in a LONG time. My foreskin is pulled back and I can't get it back to it's original state. Now I'm freaking out because I don't know what to do. The other time this happened was during the handjob I got back then and I wasn't paying too much attention on how she did it.

I got on my laptop, googling many variations of "putting foreskin back in position." I then think to myself "Wait, I should probably see a doctor in the morning as soon as possible." So I google the type of doctor who specializes in these kind of things (Urologists). I found one that was close to my home. Okay, cool. The doctor had good yelp ratings as well. So here I am, waiting in bed with the head exposed. It caused an uncomfortable feeling. But I just dealt with it until it was almost time to go to the doctor.

Alright, time to get my insurance card and head out.

But wait. Guess who didn't renew their health insurance in time?

Well, shit. Guess I should see how I can renew it (Parents always did it for me). So I call a health insurance center closes to my home. Lady who answered was Chinese with a heavy accent. I hang up. I call another one that was the closest in terms of train stops. Okay, this one seems fine.

So I put on some jeans. The head is making contact with my boxers causing me to grimace. But luckily it didn't bother me when I sat down. I go the health insurance center and it takes me roughly half an hour-40 minutes to get everything ready. The guy told me I would get medicaid tuesday and the health insurance card March 1st.

I don't want to wait till tuesday to do something. This thing is annoying me and it SMELLS. So I go back home, into my bathroom, and just start stretching, trying to get the foreskin to come back out and cover it. Spent a good amount of time on it.

And, well. It's not pretty but the head is back inside. No activities until everything seems normal again.

My first thought in reading this was "TMI," but then my second thought was that I'm the one who clicked on the thread so that kind of disqualifies any such criticism.

Masturbation. The very word seems crass and connotative of Pee Wee Herman's theater activities. Look at all the slang devoted to this singular activity. Beating off, whacking off, jerking off, beating it like it owes you money, polishing the knob, and my personal favorite, chokin' the chicken. But on rare occasions when this topic is brought up in mixed company, I tend to soften it a little, and simply refer to it as "engaging in offbeat behavior." I suppose it works in a pinch, but I tend to favor a massage with a happy ending. I've never tried any such toys, but one guy I knew a few years back used to brag about his "pocket pussy."

I'm grateful my parents had the foresight (pun definitely intended) to have me circumcised.