Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,904
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The hot girl at school has always said she loves me, but only like a brother. Makes me very nervous now she's invited me to a threesome.
Mario is constantly at the dentist. That's because he has lots of trouble with DK.
Some girls play hard to get. My sister's different... she plays hard to want.
When a spider crawls on walls, everyone marvels at its abilities. I start crawling on walls and they scream I need an exorcist!
Son: "Dad, why do sailors yell 'Man overboard!'?"
Dad: "That happens when one of the crew falls off the boat. It's so they can turn around and rescue him."
Son: "But it only mentions men. Suppose Mom was riding on a boat and fell off. How would you know what to yell then?"
Dad: "There’s a phrase for that, too: 'Full speed ahead!' "
I find condoms to be essential. Every pool needs a lifeguard, especially my gene pool.
Rescuers from the Belfast Fire Department arrive at the site of a flaming pub and hear screams coming from inside. Fearlessly they brave the blaze and drag out a lone patron who had been trapped beneath some wreckage.
"You're a lucky lad!" states the fire chief. "Tell me, how did the fire start?"
"Who's to know?" the patron breathlessly replies. "It was like this when I got here!"
Mr. T became extremely religious after his TV series was canceled. He went from A-Team to A-Men.
Ever since I was a kid, I've been able to tell what's inside each of my birthday and Christmas presents before they're even opened. It's just one of my many gifts.
Name the shape of the hole in a parrot’s cage when the door's been left open.
Polygon.
The design of garden shears will never be updated. That's cutting hedge technology!
I kicked a tree trunk with all my might and broke my foot. Last time I listen to my brother! He told me it was a rubber tree!
She: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
He: "No. It's all that pie you ate last night."
Last Thursday was evidently Pi Day. What a stupid thing to celebrate! It's completely irrational!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm financially irresponsible. Fine with me! When those Nigerian lottery winnings come in, I'll get to spend them all by myself!
A husband calls his wife from work.
He: "Have you ever had a severe stabbing pain, like someone with a voodoo doll was jabbing a pin right in the middle of its neck?"
She: "No. I can't ever say that I have."
He: (after a pause) "Okay, how about now?"
Male-to-female surgery isn't cheap. Experts extimate it'll cost you about a third of your salary.
Son: "Dad, what kind of flower is that?"
Dad: "That, my boy, is a rhododendron.
Son: "Really? How do you spell it?"
Dad: "Uh... on second thought, I believe it's a rose."
I saw the "Captain Marvel" movie and thought it was pretty cheesy! What a waste of money! It was brie larsony!
Why did the cow cross the pasteur?
To get to the other sod.
Why did Death cross the road?
To get to the other scythe.
The Specter of Death doesn't work constantly. Sometimes he needs to take a break. If ever you should chance across his comfy couch, don't dare to lie down on it... it's littered with Reaper cushions.[/FONT]
* * *
Mario is constantly at the dentist. That's because he has lots of trouble with DK.
* * *
Some girls play hard to get. My sister's different... she plays hard to want.
* * *
When a spider crawls on walls, everyone marvels at its abilities. I start crawling on walls and they scream I need an exorcist!
* * *
Son: "Dad, why do sailors yell 'Man overboard!'?"
Dad: "That happens when one of the crew falls off the boat. It's so they can turn around and rescue him."
Son: "But it only mentions men. Suppose Mom was riding on a boat and fell off. How would you know what to yell then?"
Dad: "There’s a phrase for that, too: 'Full speed ahead!' "
* * *
I find condoms to be essential. Every pool needs a lifeguard, especially my gene pool.
* * *
Rescuers from the Belfast Fire Department arrive at the site of a flaming pub and hear screams coming from inside. Fearlessly they brave the blaze and drag out a lone patron who had been trapped beneath some wreckage.
"You're a lucky lad!" states the fire chief. "Tell me, how did the fire start?"
"Who's to know?" the patron breathlessly replies. "It was like this when I got here!"
* * *
Mr. T became extremely religious after his TV series was canceled. He went from A-Team to A-Men.
* * *
Ever since I was a kid, I've been able to tell what's inside each of my birthday and Christmas presents before they're even opened. It's just one of my many gifts.
* * *
Name the shape of the hole in a parrot’s cage when the door's been left open.
Polygon.
* * *
The design of garden shears will never be updated. That's cutting hedge technology!
* * *
I kicked a tree trunk with all my might and broke my foot. Last time I listen to my brother! He told me it was a rubber tree!
* * *
She: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
He: "No. It's all that pie you ate last night."
* * *
Last Thursday was evidently Pi Day. What a stupid thing to celebrate! It's completely irrational!
* * *
My wife left me because she thinks I'm financially irresponsible. Fine with me! When those Nigerian lottery winnings come in, I'll get to spend them all by myself!
* * *
A husband calls his wife from work.
He: "Have you ever had a severe stabbing pain, like someone with a voodoo doll was jabbing a pin right in the middle of its neck?"
She: "No. I can't ever say that I have."
He: (after a pause) "Okay, how about now?"
* * *
Male-to-female surgery isn't cheap. Experts extimate it'll cost you about a third of your salary.
* * *
Son: "Dad, what kind of flower is that?"
Dad: "That, my boy, is a rhododendron.
Son: "Really? How do you spell it?"
Dad: "Uh... on second thought, I believe it's a rose."
* * *
I saw the "Captain Marvel" movie and thought it was pretty cheesy! What a waste of money! It was brie larsony!
* * *
Why did the cow cross the pasteur?
To get to the other sod.
* * *
Why did Death cross the road?
To get to the other scythe.
* * *
The Specter of Death doesn't work constantly. Sometimes he needs to take a break. If ever you should chance across his comfy couch, don't dare to lie down on it... it's littered with Reaper cushions.[/FONT]