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Friday night nyuks (3-15-19).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,904
Points
38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The hot girl at school has always said she loves me, but only like a brother. Makes me very nervous now she's invited me to a threesome.

* * *​

Mario is constantly at the dentist. That's because he has lots of trouble with DK.

* * *​

Some girls play hard to get. My sister's different... she plays hard to want.

* * *​

When a spider crawls on walls, everyone marvels at its abilities. I start crawling on walls and they scream I need an exorcist!

* * *​

Son: "Dad, why do sailors yell 'Man overboard!'?"

Dad: "That happens when one of the crew falls off the boat. It's so they can turn around and rescue him."

Son: "But it only mentions men. Suppose Mom was riding on a boat and fell off. How would you know what to yell then?"

Dad: "There’s a phrase for that, too: 'Full speed ahead!' "

* * *​

I find condoms to be essential. Every pool needs a lifeguard, especially my gene pool.

* * *​

Rescuers from the Belfast Fire Department arrive at the site of a flaming pub and hear screams coming from inside. Fearlessly they brave the blaze and drag out a lone patron who had been trapped beneath some wreckage.

"You're a lucky lad!" states the fire chief. "Tell me, how did the fire start?"

"Who's to know?" the patron breathlessly replies. "It was like this when I got here!"

* * *​

Mr. T became extremely religious after his TV series was canceled. He went from A-Team to A-Men.

* * *​

Ever since I was a kid, I've been able to tell what's inside each of my birthday and Christmas presents before they're even opened. It's just one of my many gifts.

* * *​

Name the shape of the hole in a parrot’s cage when the door's been left open.

Polygon.

* * *​

The design of garden shears will never be updated. That's cutting hedge technology!

* * *​

I kicked a tree trunk with all my might and broke my foot. Last time I listen to my brother! He told me it was a rubber tree!

* * *​

She: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

He: "No. It's all that pie you ate last night."

* * *​

Last Thursday was evidently Pi Day. What a stupid thing to celebrate! It's completely irrational!

* * *​

My wife left me because she thinks I'm financially irresponsible. Fine with me! When those Nigerian lottery winnings come in, I'll get to spend them all by myself!

* * *​

A husband calls his wife from work.

He: "Have you ever had a severe stabbing pain, like someone with a voodoo doll was jabbing a pin right in the middle of its neck?"

She: "No. I can't ever say that I have."

He: (after a pause) "Okay, how about now?"

* * *​

Male-to-female surgery isn't cheap. Experts extimate it'll cost you about a third of your salary.

* * *​

Son: "Dad, what kind of flower is that?"

Dad: "That, my boy, is a rhododendron.

Son: "Really? How do you spell it?"

Dad: "Uh... on second thought, I believe it's a rose."

* * *​

I saw the "Captain Marvel" movie and thought it was pretty cheesy! What a waste of money! It was brie larsony!

* * *​

Why did the cow cross the pasteur?

To get to the other sod.

* * *​

Why did Death cross the road?

To get to the other scythe.

* * *​

The Specter of Death doesn't work constantly. Sometimes he needs to take a break. If ever you should chance across his comfy couch, don't dare to lie down on it... it's littered with Reaper cushions.[/FONT]
 
LOL :p
Great collection!
My favorite:

Son: "Dad, why do sailors yell 'Man overboard!'?"

Dad: "That happens when one of the crew falls off the boat. It's so they can turn around and rescue him."

Son: "But it only mentions men. Suppose Mom was riding on a boat and fell off. How would you know what to yell then?"

Dad: "There’s a phrase for that, too: 'Full speed ahead!' "

And, of course, I love this one:
Last Thursday was evidently Pi Day. What a stupid thing to celebrate! It's completely irrational!
 
Thanks Milagros! :D I figured the math joke would be right up your alley! As to the first, who can resist maritime tradition! My friends constantly tell me I'm wet behind the ears!
 
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