Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
This St. Paddy's Day, a street vendor tried to sell me a chip of granite he claimed came from the Blarney Stone. Well, it was obviously fake! What a way to mock the holiday... there's nothing Irish about a sham rock!
How does a technicolor telephone work?
Green, green... yellow?
I came home early to find my wife lying in bed. She was next to the new mailman, telling him she was single.
Grammar nazis in the government are now charging us for poorly worded sex phone-calls. It's what's known as "syntax".
I was having a really sexy dream... but before I could consummate, the alarm woke me up. Dammit, I really hate being clock-blocked!
If you're fumigating cotton and come across two bugs, but have only poison enough to kill one, don't waste it on the smaller of the pair. It's the lesser of two weevils.
My wife made me join this book club. We've met five times, and so far we've only discussed a single book! What a waste of time! I've told her over and over, "I'm just not interested in church!"
Chuck Norris was dropped only twice as a baby... one in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki.
I was born on the 2nd of June, not in September. But for some reason, my mom always refers to it as Labor Day.
"I smoked a whole pack of Camels last night."
"The entire pack?! Man, how you gonna store that much smoked meat?"
The wizard Gargamel was so sadistic, he would create little blue people expressly so he could fill them full of gas and then poke them with a pin. That's how the whole franchise got started... with pop-a-Smurf.
I guy showed up at my door, smiling and holding a set of encyclopedias. He was obviously a salesman... he didn't say a word, but his look spoke volumes.
Mom goes into her son's bedroom and sees 20 jars full of quarters.
"That's an awful lot of change to leave lying around!" Mom tells him. "Does the word 'hoard' mean anything to you?"
"Hey!" grouses the lad, "I'm just the pimp! Sis is the one who whored it!"
My great gramma's going out with some geezer who's 101 years old! I don't mind her dating, but I draw the line at carbon dating.
How do students at Hogwarts get into the gym weight room?
Through the dumbbell door.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been accused of visiting massage parlors. Alledgedly, that's where he goes to get his balls deflated.
A police detective shows up at the scene of a murder. Next to the corpse is a battered, well-worn piece of lugguage.
"Well," says the cop, "looks like an open and shut case."
A canny record producer got the idea to turn a duck into a soul singer. His plan: stick it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
Elon Musk never failed in school. He had to succeed... a single F would turn him into a felon.
If the PETA folks had their own TV show, they could spread awareness of their message and raise plenty of money for the cause at the same time. But they'll never do it... they refuse to kill two birds with one stone.
My wife treats our pet puppies and kittens like royalty and I'm getting sick and tired of it! The storm clouds have gathered at my house... it's reigning cats and dogs!
Point to ponder: if you die while fixing a meal in a slow cooker, whoever finds you will have a hardy meal waiting for them!
If they're still hungry after that, they can have whatever's in the crock-pot.
* * *
How does a technicolor telephone work?
Green, green... yellow?
* * *
I came home early to find my wife lying in bed. She was next to the new mailman, telling him she was single.
* * *
Grammar nazis in the government are now charging us for poorly worded sex phone-calls. It's what's known as "syntax".
* * *
I was having a really sexy dream... but before I could consummate, the alarm woke me up. Dammit, I really hate being clock-blocked!
* * *
If you're fumigating cotton and come across two bugs, but have only poison enough to kill one, don't waste it on the smaller of the pair. It's the lesser of two weevils.
* * *
My wife made me join this book club. We've met five times, and so far we've only discussed a single book! What a waste of time! I've told her over and over, "I'm just not interested in church!"
* * *
Chuck Norris was dropped only twice as a baby... one in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki.
* * *
I was born on the 2nd of June, not in September. But for some reason, my mom always refers to it as Labor Day.
* * *
"I smoked a whole pack of Camels last night."
"The entire pack?! Man, how you gonna store that much smoked meat?"
* * *
The wizard Gargamel was so sadistic, he would create little blue people expressly so he could fill them full of gas and then poke them with a pin. That's how the whole franchise got started... with pop-a-Smurf.
* * *
I guy showed up at my door, smiling and holding a set of encyclopedias. He was obviously a salesman... he didn't say a word, but his look spoke volumes.
* * *
Mom goes into her son's bedroom and sees 20 jars full of quarters.
"That's an awful lot of change to leave lying around!" Mom tells him. "Does the word 'hoard' mean anything to you?"
"Hey!" grouses the lad, "I'm just the pimp! Sis is the one who whored it!"
* * *
My great gramma's going out with some geezer who's 101 years old! I don't mind her dating, but I draw the line at carbon dating.
* * *
How do students at Hogwarts get into the gym weight room?
Through the dumbbell door.
* * *
Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been accused of visiting massage parlors. Alledgedly, that's where he goes to get his balls deflated.
* * *
A police detective shows up at the scene of a murder. Next to the corpse is a battered, well-worn piece of lugguage.
"Well," says the cop, "looks like an open and shut case."
* * *
A canny record producer got the idea to turn a duck into a soul singer. His plan: stick it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
* * *
Elon Musk never failed in school. He had to succeed... a single F would turn him into a felon.
* * *
If the PETA folks had their own TV show, they could spread awareness of their message and raise plenty of money for the cause at the same time. But they'll never do it... they refuse to kill two birds with one stone.
* * *
My wife treats our pet puppies and kittens like royalty and I'm getting sick and tired of it! The storm clouds have gathered at my house... it's reigning cats and dogs!
* * *
Point to ponder: if you die while fixing a meal in a slow cooker, whoever finds you will have a hardy meal waiting for them!
If they're still hungry after that, they can have whatever's in the crock-pot.
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