Depression and Anxiety

Be strong. Remember that you can always ask for help people around you, don't be afraid of this, we can go through everything when we have the necessary support. Depression and anxiety it's a cancer for your soul and mind, you shouldn't fight it alone, share it with close people, that's how I managed to go through it. There were days when I felt hopeless, to calm myself I used maeng da kratom in therapeutic purpose, it was the best rescue when I felt the worst.

Sleep, exercise, distractions, drugs, the nihilistic acceptance that every moment is one step nearer to death and every memory is just a reflection of the oblivion.

I guess now is as good a time as any to reveal the strange and different inner workings of my brain.

(Please note: this is long, yet descriptive, and it explains pretty well WHY my reputation in this community is not good at all.)

First and foremost, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at an early age. Also, I decided to sit for a neuropsychological evaluation in September 2020 -- just a few months ago -- and I learned that I have some (but not all) issues related to Asperger's syndrome.

The largest Aspie issue I have, according to the neuropsychologist, is specific to my poor social skills. Those poor social skills are a big reason why I was banned from NEST after I attended in 2012. (As you might expect, I was depressed and despondent after learning this, and I attempted multiple times to persuade Lee Allure, the NEST organizer, to let me come back on a trial basis. To her credit, she either ignored me, or she replied with a firm NO. In retrospect, that was the right thing to do. I'll explain later in this post.)

The neuropsychologist gave me details. [1] My social skills in UNSTRUCTURED social situations are poor. (Interestingly enough, my social skills in STRUCTURED social situations -- such as classrooms, or presentations, or seeing a movie or play or sporting event -- are typical and satisfactory. Also, when I speak with a person one-on-one, my social skills are also typical and satisfactory.) [2] During some UNSTRUCTURED social situations, I apparently have the capacity and the ability to treat people poorly -- BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF DOING SO.

I'm going to repeat that last part, because it's REALLY IMPORTANT.

I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OR MEMORY OF MISTREATING ANYBODY.

That is one of the MAJOR reasons why I've been so confused and angry about why I think people have been treating me so poorly in many aspects of my life! Obviously, there is no way that I can give an example.

Did all of you really think I was misbehaving (at tickling gatherings) ON PURPOSE? HELL NO! WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?

I'm taking a lot of prescriptions every day. (I actually don't mind doing that.) I've been in therapy for quite some time now, and a team of mental health professionals have also been working with me to determine exactly what my brain chemistry is doing to my behavior. They have determined that I have an EXTRAORDINARILY RARE series of mental health issues. I REALLY wish that all of this wasn't true about me. I am well aware of the many, many ways in which I am different from the average person. I continue to find one example after another where I am THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. (I started counting them! I've made a list, and I'm over TWO HUNDRED at this point.)

Before I reached this revelation -- with the help of my therapist and other mental health professionals -- I thought people treated me poorly for no good reason. I thought they did it because they could; I thought they were bullies. I eventually learned that people HATED me... BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHY. I actually used to ask people: "What am I doing wrong?" ...and NOBODY answered my question! Now I understand WHY nobody answered that question... all of you thought I was kidding or joking! But I wasn't joking at all... I was COMPLETELY SERIOUS. I had NO IDEA what I was doing wrong... and, in fact, I STILL DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG.

Moreover, I think I have identified my FATAL FLAW -- that which has prevented me from truly experiencing the best that life has to offer:

I DO NOT KNOW WHEN I DO SOMETHING WRONG TO OTHERS.
I DO NOT KNOW WHEN I DO SOMETHING BAD TO OTHERS.
I DO NOT KNOW WHEN I MAKE SOMEONE ELSE FEEL ANNOYED, AWKWARD, UNCOMFORTABLE, ANGRY, OR NEGATIVE IN ANY WAY.

It took me only forty-seven years to figure this out. </sarcasm>

Now, I am completely aware that many of you think that what I am saying might seem completely ridiculous to you, or you may think that I'm lying... but I swear to you that this is all completely 100% true. (I can't make this up... I'm not THAT creative...)

Another thing about my fatal flaw: NOBDY HAS EVER LET ME KNOW that I've done something wrong, or bad, et cetera. Not even privately (by taking me aside), or by e-mail or text message... NOTHING! THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED! It's true: nobody has ever clued me in. And THAT has REALLY surprised me! Did NOBODY ever stop to THINK that MAYBE the REASON for Adam's behavior is due to him having (undiagnosed) MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES?

I imagine that most people think "well, everyone knows when they do or say something wrong or bad, so Adam must know as well." Nope. Apparently, that doesn't apply to me... and again, I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

Now, I do have a slightly better understanding... but I'm still curious to know exactly what I do or say that angers people. Why? Because the truth of the matter is that I really DON'T like angering people! I don't like stirring the pot! People who know me REALLY WELL will tell you that I'm actually a nice person. (I know that most of you may not believe that, due to my behavior... but now I know that my behavior was due to my mental health issues, which were undiagnosed and untreated at the time.)

My mental health issues are to blame for my undesirable behavior, and I'm only learning about this secondhand. I have been working feverishly with multiple mental health professionals -- including a behavioral therapist -- to find solutions to my problems.

Because I have learned all of this, I have made the difficult decision to AVOID unstructured social situations FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Certainly, there are many unstructured social situations found at bars, meet-and-greets, MUNCHES, and TICKLING GATHERINGS... but because I apparently have a subconscious tendency to anger people in unstructured social situations, I have decided to make a necessary change to my social life, and AVOID unstructured social situations, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE GREATER GOOD OF SOCIETY. I have absolutely no interest in angering other people, and so I have made this change.

I want to issue a blanket apology to EVERYONE IN THE TICKLING COMMUNITY. If I have made you uncomfortable in any way... if I have made you feel negative in any way... please know that it was NOT intentional, and please know that I AM TERRIBLY SORRY that it happened. You did NOT deserve whatever negativity came from me; moreover, I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OR MEMORY OF MISTREATING YOU -- OR ANYBODY ELSE -- IN THE FIRST PLACE! I want to make sure you understand that I HAVE NO MEMORY OF WHATEVER IT IS THAT REQUIRES AN APOLOGY! I'm basically apologizing for whatever-I-did-that-upset-you... but I swear to you that I have ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF DOING ANYTHING WRONG! ...and that feels very bizarre to me. Put yourself in my shoes, and imagine that you are feeling tremendous social pressure to apologize for MANY, MANY HORRIBLE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE DONE... but YOU HAVE NO MEMORY OF DOING ANY OF THEM!

If I was a typical person, I would call this "God's cruel joke." But another non-typical trait about me -- a trait that I actually chose for myself, interestingly enough -- is that I am a staunch, confirmed atheist... and therefore, I would not refer to any god or gods in regards to anything about me. But that's another story for another day...

In the meantime, I'm trying my best every day. I am currently unemployed, and I am looking for full-time employment in my new field. My current username, recycler1973, reflects the work I used to do; I was an environmental manager and an environmental academic. But after I had a mental health breakdown in the spring of 2016, I decided that I needed a clean break from who I used to be. This included a career change. I have about ten years of part-time experience teaching math on the community college level (while earning various graduate degrees in the environmental field), and that seemed like a good foot in the door towards a new career in teaching math on the community college level. I had the experience, but not the education... and so I applied to programs throughout the country for a master's in math education. Rutgers University was the best school that accepted me, and so I moved to central New Jersey in the summer of 2017. I worked my tail off for 18 months, and graduated with a 3.65 GPA in December 2018.

I moved back to metro Detroit right after graduation (I was born here, and I have a lot of family and friends here), and I've been here ever since, constantly applying for full-time math teaching jobs on the community college level. (I've had a handful of part-time gigs since I moved back here, but none had benefits.)

Anyway, that's my story. Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome -- either on this thread, or by private message, or by e-mail to [email protected].

I have hits of depression once in a while and I used to socialize with friends and go out to deal with it but that hasn't exactly been possible lately. It's been hitting me pretty hard recently and I'm not too sure how to handle it, I try to distract myself but once I try to fall asleep I just have to deal with it until I eventually pass out.

When anxiety is born inside you, the main thing is to prevent the birth of depression, because the second is already a disease and has more serious consequences. When I was depressed, a lot of things didn't help me, doctors and medications didn't work on me and didn't help me cope with it. I suffered from anxiety for quite a long time until I found white maeng da kratom. This is what helped me cope with this feeling, which eventually turned into stress, and then completely disappeared. Now I feel more calm and not afraid of anxiety. If you still suffer from it, then take advantage of it