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Friday night nyuks (4-19-19).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
Joe Biden's election staff has come out with his official slogan: "The hands-down candidate! Can't touch Joe!" It originated with the female staffers who've been long been heard to say, "Hands down, candidate! Can't touch, Joe!"

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My punk cousin used his switchblade to carve a swastika right in the middle of my antique wooden steamer trunk and it took me weeks to sand it out again. I really , really hate that facist symbol! Man, I'm so happy to finally get that off my chest!

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You've heard the phrase "busy as a bee", right? Well bees aren't so darned busy! It's in their nature to stop and smell the roses!

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My cousin says he has an allergy to honey, but his reaction makes me doubt that. He tells me he just got hives.

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Technically, a chicken can't cross the road to get to the other side. Once he crosses, the other side is back where he started.

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I may have failed both my mythology quiz and my state capitals quiz, but don't worry about me! My grades shall rise, like a phoenix from Arizona!

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Europe's hottest touist attraction: Notre Dame cathedral.

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How did the Notre Dame cathedral fire start? I don't know, but Quasimodo has a hunch.

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I got a slow cooker for my birthday. Perfect gift... I always wanted to cook a sloth.

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Bill Cosby's moto: if you snooze, you loose.

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I got evidence today that my wife's been selling drugs. I was late for work this morning when the phone rang; the guy on the line said, "It's me, Margaret. Is the dope gone yet?"

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When a cannibal catches a female missionary, what does he have for lunch the next day?

Left ovaries.

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Our neighborhood block party last night was lit! Our neighborhood this morning is litter.

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There are already complaints about Samsung's new phone breaking when it's opened. It's an unfolding story.

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A lot of people think folding phones are a great idea. But there's always a flip side.

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My sister was killed for reading between the lines. She never saw the train coming.

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Blonde: "Boo hoo hoo!"

Brunette: "Goodness gracious, dear! What's the matter?"

Blonde: "There was an awful accident! My brother was just hurt in a car wreck!"

Brunette: "I'm so terribly sorry! You really ought to be with your family right now."

Blonde: "That won't make me feel any better. I just heard from my sister... turns out her brother was hurt in a car wreck too."

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I wanted to play a game of chess, but once I unpacked the set I found that all the pawns were white. Sticky, too... I never should have left them in the same box as the bishops.

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A pet spider can cost as much as $50 if you look for it in a pet store. Fortunately, you can always find one cheaper if you check the web.

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Museum tour guide: "This Egyptian mummy is over 5,000 years old. That means there's a chance Moses could have seen it!"

Tourist: "Don't be a jackass! When was Moses ever in New York?"

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I call my wife my "better half". That's 'cause she better half the house cleaned, my clothes washed and my dinner ready when I git home.

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A pretty blonde is on horseback, when her mount suddenly breaks into a ferocious gallop. She feels herself begin to slip from the saddle; she hollars at the horse, then pleads for help from onlookers, but it does no good. It becomes all too clear that she'll soon fall off.

Disaster is averted at the last minute when one of the clerks comes out of the grocery store and unplugs the darned thing.
 
Last edited:
LOL :p
Great collection, as usual. :D
My favorite:

I got evidence today that my wife's been selling drugs. I was late for work this morning when the phone rang; the guy on the line said, "It's me, Margaret. Is the dope gone yet?"
 
Thank you Milagros! Great choice! A statement against narcotics abuse and infidelity!
 
Thanks Sensualsoul! Sorry about the late reply.
 
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