Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,912
- Points
- 38
It took only five minutes for Sherlock Holmes to discover the murder weapon. It was a brief case.
My mother worked in a strip club. You could say that I'm half pole-ish.
Brunette nurse: "Emergency rooms can be so sad! Just look at that poor man with only one eye."
Blonde nurse: "Okay. Which eye do you want me to close?"
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is enough. "How the hell did you get into my house?" is completely unnecessary.
Atheist astronaut: "We're up in outer space now. How come I don't see God?"
Devout astronaut: "You aren't being humble enough; doff your helmet."
The camel at our local zoo gave birth to a camel calf with a completely smooth back. The zookeepers are calling him Humphrey.
My wife tells me she wants to be pampered. Damn it, I didn't think I'd be changing diapers till we had kids!
Doctor: "This is unprecedented! You're the first person in history to have backwards DNA!"
Patient: "And...?"
My Amish cousin is having his 5th birthday party. His folks will be taking him to the Build a Barn Workshop.
I bought my wife a pug as a birthday present. At first, I thought it might prove off-putting... the squashed-in nose, the bulging eyes, the constant wheezing. But he soon got used to it.
"Do I get any training for this garbage collector job?"
"No need. You'll pick things up as you go."
I believe in looking out for number one... my puppy isn't house trained yet.
Landlord: "Hey! I want to talk to you about these high heating bills!"
Renter: "Sure! Stop by anytime! My door is always open!"
At a restaurant last night, my wife and I paid $300 for fresh octopus. Boy, did we feel like suckers!
R. Kelly doesn't see others as equals; he thinks of them as peons.
I say Hulu gives you the best value for money; my wife thinks it's Netflix. Harsh as it sounds, I'm leaving that woman... I have no tolerance at all for Hulu cost deniers.
"Says here that film archivists are trying to rediscover a lost movie about the life of King Richard the Lionheart. It was directed by Richard Donner and stars Richard
Harris in the title role and Richard Burton as Saladin. Man, if only they can find it... what an embarrassment of riches!"
"I won't watch it! They're all a bunch of dicks!"
No one deserves to be punished for their fetish... not unless they're into humiliation. In that case, I'll gladly grind your face into the dust, you little worm!
Deputy: "Sheriff! I just saw the Romaine Kid! He left his farm and is coming into town!"
Sheriff: "Are you sure it's him?"
Deputy: "Yep! He's covered in ranch dressing!"
Blonde: "I'll never understand how cloning works."
Brunette: "That makes two of us."
Brunette: "The cops just arrested my brother for shoplifting."
Blonde: "Those guys are so brave! I'd never take on anybody that strong!"
Blonde: "Hey, look at that cloud floating in the sky! It's shaped just like a bunny rabbit!"
Cloud: "Hey, look at that gal lying on the grass! She's shaped just like an idiot!"
* * *
My mother worked in a strip club. You could say that I'm half pole-ish.
* * *
Brunette nurse: "Emergency rooms can be so sad! Just look at that poor man with only one eye."
Blonde nurse: "Okay. Which eye do you want me to close?"
* * *
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is enough. "How the hell did you get into my house?" is completely unnecessary.
* * *
Atheist astronaut: "We're up in outer space now. How come I don't see God?"
Devout astronaut: "You aren't being humble enough; doff your helmet."
* * *
The camel at our local zoo gave birth to a camel calf with a completely smooth back. The zookeepers are calling him Humphrey.
* * *
My wife tells me she wants to be pampered. Damn it, I didn't think I'd be changing diapers till we had kids!
* * *
Doctor: "This is unprecedented! You're the first person in history to have backwards DNA!"
Patient: "And...?"
* * *
My Amish cousin is having his 5th birthday party. His folks will be taking him to the Build a Barn Workshop.
* * *
I bought my wife a pug as a birthday present. At first, I thought it might prove off-putting... the squashed-in nose, the bulging eyes, the constant wheezing. But he soon got used to it.
* * *
"Do I get any training for this garbage collector job?"
"No need. You'll pick things up as you go."
* * *
I believe in looking out for number one... my puppy isn't house trained yet.
* * *
Landlord: "Hey! I want to talk to you about these high heating bills!"
Renter: "Sure! Stop by anytime! My door is always open!"
* * *
At a restaurant last night, my wife and I paid $300 for fresh octopus. Boy, did we feel like suckers!
* * *
R. Kelly doesn't see others as equals; he thinks of them as peons.
* * *
I say Hulu gives you the best value for money; my wife thinks it's Netflix. Harsh as it sounds, I'm leaving that woman... I have no tolerance at all for Hulu cost deniers.
* * *
"Says here that film archivists are trying to rediscover a lost movie about the life of King Richard the Lionheart. It was directed by Richard Donner and stars Richard
Harris in the title role and Richard Burton as Saladin. Man, if only they can find it... what an embarrassment of riches!"
"I won't watch it! They're all a bunch of dicks!"
* * *
No one deserves to be punished for their fetish... not unless they're into humiliation. In that case, I'll gladly grind your face into the dust, you little worm!
* * *
Deputy: "Sheriff! I just saw the Romaine Kid! He left his farm and is coming into town!"
Sheriff: "Are you sure it's him?"
Deputy: "Yep! He's covered in ranch dressing!"
* * *
Blonde: "I'll never understand how cloning works."
Brunette: "That makes two of us."
* * *
Brunette: "The cops just arrested my brother for shoplifting."
Blonde: "Those guys are so brave! I'd never take on anybody that strong!"
* * *
Blonde: "Hey, look at that cloud floating in the sky! It's shaped just like a bunny rabbit!"
Cloud: "Hey, look at that gal lying on the grass! She's shaped just like an idiot!"
