Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
I'm writing an autobiography, but it's turning out to be pretty dull. I may have to kill off the main character.
Brunette: "Have you ever been told that you've got an infectious smile?"
Blonde: "My boyfriend did once. But it wasn't true... someone else must have given him herpes."
Being color-blind and living in Denver can be a pain. I hate having to tell folks that I come from the state of Rado.
I got no luck at all! Bought myself a voodoo doll of my mother-in-law and started sticking pins in it; turns out I cured her arthristis.
Before Jim Jones became a cult leader, he was a standup comedian. That's where he perfected his killer punchline.
My art school buddy and I challenged each other to a quick-sketch contest. Result: it was a draw.
Everyone knows that Captain Sullenberger had trouble with his US Airways Airbus and successfully landed it on the Hudson River; what's less well known is that he then raised a sail on top of the aircraft and continued the journey. It was plane sailing after that.
Too bad my folks don't watch Game of Thrones. It'd be nice for once if I wasn't the biggest disappointment in their lives.
A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whisky. He drinks the first one, but sets the second aside. He then downs the third, but also sidelines the fourth before swallowing the fifth.
"Keep 'em coming," he tells the bartender.
The barman looks quizical.
"What about those two?" he asks.
The barfly smiles. "I promised my doctor I'd only take the odd drink."
My elderly grandmother has accidently contaminated our farm's water supply twice now; she just can't see that well anymore.
I've never seen "Iron Man 2", but I understand that the plot concerns Tony Stark suffering from Palladium poisoning. I'm not sympathetic; with all the crime around, he's got no business spending so much time at the theater.
"How do you expect to get a job as a courier? The wheels have come off your car!"
"The delivery company should be happy to get me! I work tirelessly!"
I'm sure to get that promotion to customer sales! My boss says my skills have always been counter productive!
Seven Dwarfs: "We told you to distract the Wicked Witch.! Why didn't it happen?"
Gingerbread Man: "Sorry, guys. I wasn't cut out for the job."
My wife died of natural causes during our Grand Canyon tour. Hey, gravity's as natural as you can get.
My 8 year old son and I visited the natural history museum and he just couldn't get enough of the dinosaur skeletons.
"Boy!" he cried out in delight. "I'd sure like to see a live dinosaur!"
"That would be cool," I agreed, " but don't ignore the dead ones. They leave the best impressions."
Patient: "Why is it so damn cold in this examining room?"
Blonde Nurse: "The doctor insists on it; he's constantly bragging about his 12 degrees."
A bunch of us kids went to the theater; during the movie, I found out that one of the girls got a huge crush on me. Those damn snack bar sodas are just too big to handle!
Somebody stole my bottle of Ambien! I won't rest until the thief is brought to justice!
"I'm heading west with that gal I met in the bar last night! We're gonna look for the Lost Dutchman Mine!"
"You don't want to hang around with her! She's a golddigger!"
"Perfect!"
I wasn't sure I could care about another human being until I had my first child. Now I'm dead certain I can't.
"Well, it's your 5th wedding anniversary! What are you and your wife gonna do?"
"I'm taking her to China."
"Wow! That's mighty impressive! Gonna be tough to top... what do you expect to do on your 50th anniversary?"
"I dunno. If I'm curious enough, I guess I'll go back there and see how she's doing."
* * *
Brunette: "Have you ever been told that you've got an infectious smile?"
Blonde: "My boyfriend did once. But it wasn't true... someone else must have given him herpes."
* * *
Being color-blind and living in Denver can be a pain. I hate having to tell folks that I come from the state of Rado.
* * *
I got no luck at all! Bought myself a voodoo doll of my mother-in-law and started sticking pins in it; turns out I cured her arthristis.
* * *
Before Jim Jones became a cult leader, he was a standup comedian. That's where he perfected his killer punchline.
* * *
My art school buddy and I challenged each other to a quick-sketch contest. Result: it was a draw.
* * *
Everyone knows that Captain Sullenberger had trouble with his US Airways Airbus and successfully landed it on the Hudson River; what's less well known is that he then raised a sail on top of the aircraft and continued the journey. It was plane sailing after that.
* * *
Too bad my folks don't watch Game of Thrones. It'd be nice for once if I wasn't the biggest disappointment in their lives.
* * *
A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whisky. He drinks the first one, but sets the second aside. He then downs the third, but also sidelines the fourth before swallowing the fifth.
"Keep 'em coming," he tells the bartender.
The barman looks quizical.
"What about those two?" he asks.
The barfly smiles. "I promised my doctor I'd only take the odd drink."
* * *
My elderly grandmother has accidently contaminated our farm's water supply twice now; she just can't see that well anymore.
* * *
I've never seen "Iron Man 2", but I understand that the plot concerns Tony Stark suffering from Palladium poisoning. I'm not sympathetic; with all the crime around, he's got no business spending so much time at the theater.
* * *
"How do you expect to get a job as a courier? The wheels have come off your car!"
"The delivery company should be happy to get me! I work tirelessly!"
* * *
I'm sure to get that promotion to customer sales! My boss says my skills have always been counter productive!
* * *
Seven Dwarfs: "We told you to distract the Wicked Witch.! Why didn't it happen?"
Gingerbread Man: "Sorry, guys. I wasn't cut out for the job."
* * *
My wife died of natural causes during our Grand Canyon tour. Hey, gravity's as natural as you can get.
* * *
My 8 year old son and I visited the natural history museum and he just couldn't get enough of the dinosaur skeletons.
"Boy!" he cried out in delight. "I'd sure like to see a live dinosaur!"
"That would be cool," I agreed, " but don't ignore the dead ones. They leave the best impressions."
* * *
Patient: "Why is it so damn cold in this examining room?"
Blonde Nurse: "The doctor insists on it; he's constantly bragging about his 12 degrees."
* * *
A bunch of us kids went to the theater; during the movie, I found out that one of the girls got a huge crush on me. Those damn snack bar sodas are just too big to handle!
* * *
Somebody stole my bottle of Ambien! I won't rest until the thief is brought to justice!
* * *
"I'm heading west with that gal I met in the bar last night! We're gonna look for the Lost Dutchman Mine!"
"You don't want to hang around with her! She's a golddigger!"
"Perfect!"
* * *
I wasn't sure I could care about another human being until I had my first child. Now I'm dead certain I can't.
* * *
"Well, it's your 5th wedding anniversary! What are you and your wife gonna do?"
"I'm taking her to China."
"Wow! That's mighty impressive! Gonna be tough to top... what do you expect to do on your 50th anniversary?"
"I dunno. If I'm curious enough, I guess I'll go back there and see how she's doing."
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