Tickling and Relationships

This could become a bit of a long one. I apologise in advance.

For me tickling has always been my main sexual interest. I’m fact, for a long time it was the only interest. I’ve had boyfriends in the past who have humoured me with it and whilst with them I have also developed interests in more vanilla pleasures, because with them it was fun.

This was really great, because when I was younger and shy I wasn’t able to connect with anyone. This was largely because I felt a pressure to have sex with them, when all I was interested in was tickling. I’ve moved passed this now and if required tickling can take a back seat.

The problem I now have is this. My current boyfriends sex drive has gone, entirely. We cuddle but that’s about as far as the intimacy goes. This is connected to issues he is having with his mental health, he says. He told me many months ago that he didn’t like tickling, it didn’t interest him in the same way it interested me. Either doing or being tickled. That’s fair enough. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m old enough to accept that.

The problem I’m having and I’m hoping someone has some advice, is since we’ve stopped being intimate, my craving for tickling has gone through the roof and just want it in my life so bad. But tickling for me is a fetish, it’s highly sexual. It would be very much cheating if I did start seeing other guys.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? Is there a way out other than ending the relationship?

Thanks for your time.

Many antidepressants cause a significant loss of libido. Maybe he can discuss with his doctor?

A loss of interest in sex, lower libido, and even the outright inability to have sex can be a symptom of a mental health struggle. Unfortunately, many medications that treat these same conditions can have the same side effects, especially initially. Some recover their drive and ability in time, others don’t. This is something for him to discuss with his doctor and mental health professional if it’s something he wants to address.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hello Matheu,

You present your problem very clearly, and also provide a greater context for it in relation to your own life, which is hugely important for moving forward with it.

Your like of tickling lies in the realm of Paraphilia rather then Fetish, which is basically the difference in it being a preference you strongly enjoy, and a need that you must have. The fact that you normalized the desire into your greater sex life, and found paths to enjoying basic sex is a sign of this. It's a sign that you have a good mindset regarding all of this.

You also recognize and admit that tickling is a sexual behavior for you and that you respond to it in that context. Also important to know. Why? because it indicates that your approach to sexual fulfillment can take more than one path, the traditional or the tickling one.

So enter a problem in your relationship. Your partners sexual drive has dropped off for whatever reasons. He's communicated that to you, which is a sign of a good relationship. It puts the two you on the same page at least in relation to a potential issue.

And that issue is well put by yourself: "We cuddle but that’s about as far as the intimacy goes."

You are feeling a loss of intimacy across your primary relationship, on the basic sexual level which you have come to use with your partner as the tickling path is not something that has worked for him.

In short you are feeling a lack of connectivity that arises from sexual interaction, and might be a bit... horny to put it bluntly on the physical side of things.

Since your sexuality knows it can get positive results from basic sexual, or tickling interactions, it starts to put subtle pressure on your thinking mind as to ways it can get those needs met. Sex with anyone is not in the cards, but tickling, well that can be done perhaps.... And that is where you are now.

Your own morality is the question that really is here. From your tone I get the feeling that being tickled by someone other than your partner will feel a lot like cheating to you. That really is a stopper for stepping out and getting tickled by another I wager.

So what to do?

My advice is to use that solid relationship with your partner that you have. You have good communication and that is the basis for real progress.

You'll need to talk to him, and it's your turn to share a problem. You can certainly tell him that you understand his lack of sexual drive, and why it's happening, and how it makes him feel. That he was comfortable telling you that was how he feels is proof of that. But you also have the right to tell him about your own needs, and how not having them filled makes you feel. How you want to be as sensitive to his mood regarding sex as you can, but that going without intimacy that you have a need for is difficult.

And then a discussion as to what can be done. He's not 'into' tickling and gets nothing from it, but it might be a less costly path for him to take over regular sex to supply the intimacy you need. It would be something he did for you, because you his partner needs it. It might be a compromise that both of you can work with.

Alternatively perhaps he is willing to let you fill your needs outside the relationship while his condition prevents him from doing it. You'd need to discuss exactly how that works, and of course it's complicated. If you are both of a traditional mono style relationship mindset, such options seem pretty weird and uncomfortable. But many make them work.

But in either case you need to discuss your needs also with him. Just because he has problems that directly give rise to yours is not a reason for you to just suppress all this and sit on it. You are both in the relationship, and both of you need to find ways to be comfortable in it, and be able to draw the most you can from it, without resentment or deceits creeping in and staining things.

For perspective this is an issue many couples face when one suffers from a serious medical issue that prevents them from being sexual with the other. The issue of the ables partners needs does become a real thing that needs handling. That you have the additional tickling aspect is really not a big difference. You just have an extra path to filling your needs.

There is no question that this is hard. And I hope that you and your partner can work through it to a solution that all are good with.

Myriads

I agree with Myraids that it sounds like you and your partner have incredible communication skills with one another. But maybe, you both need to venture a bit more into uncomfortable territory.

While it is perfectly acceptable for a partner to have no sex drive, it is equally as acceptable for you to struggle with that. You're both human. I'm not sure, based on your post, how much a conversation you've both had about how his struggles have come to impact you.

It sounds like your body is pushing for a physical release, and it's important to have that fact completely understood by your partner. That you're struggling with your bodies physical needs in a similar way that he is struggling with his mental health needs. Neither one of you is at fault. It's just biology.

Now, having been in both positions, I do feel like it's important to note that struggling with mental health shouldn't give someone an absolute pass. It feels like your partner should be able to help you come up with feasible solutions.

He doesn't like tickling, but how much of a hard no is it? I'd imagine that maybe even some light tickles while watching tv could go a long way to strengthening your connection. The idea is compromise...I always feel like if two people are in it together, then while it might not be their thing, they should be able to indulge their partner.

Now, maybe there is a very valid reason for no tickling. The discussion should then focus on alternatives. Maybe you have a dinner of all finger foods with the rules being the only things you have have must be fed to you. Maybe start with something like a massage for one another...even simple like a scalp massage. Again, the name of the game is compromise...finding something that he's comfortable with attempting, although he may not be feeling it entirely, because he loves you enough to see the importance of meeting your needs as well. And while you may be hoping for an all out love fest, meeting him at these smaller steps may help to quench the need for tickling.

And after meeting in the middle, it may gradually help things to flow back to your normal. It takes time and effort on both parts though - it's not just going to magically happen for either of you.

Course you also have the option of sharing with him about the tickling too...she what his thoughts are about you looking for release. But know what your looking for. There are tons of people who enjoy tickling without there needing to be a sexual element. It's an option, but if for you its always an intimate act, simple tickling may not be what you're actually looking for...

Just keep talking with him. I could be wrong, but I cant imagine thqt you wouldn't find something that works for both of you if you both cade about one another and are honest with one another.

Take this all with a grain of salt, I don't know what your partner is struggling with and even while writing I can think of a variety of situations in which this would be inappropriate. Know it's based on my experiences on both sides of the fence dealing with issues of depression and stress.

Thank you for such an in depth response. Communication between us is ok, but it could be better. He knows I feel unfulfilled, but he seems to brush it under the rug and hope it will go away.

I’m going to try and talk to him this evening and see if we can move forward. It’s really causing me a lot of issues with stress and anxiety. Your message really gave me a lot to think about.

I think you had some awesome advise here from outstanding members of this forum. It is always upsetting when a message like this appears on the board because it is a reminder that this kinda stuff does happen. Plus you seem like a really nice person who cares alot for your partner and the relationship you have. So with that in mind and with how determined you are to find an outcome to this I hope you do and with what ever you decide it is what is 'best' for both yourself and your partner.

I have read over your message and i can relate some what to your current predicament, I myself am in a loving relationship which is has been happening over 4 years. Similar to yourself my partner was never really into tickling it was my like not hers, also she suffered thru anxiety so sometimes we can go months without even tickling or anything else sexually other than kissing or cuddling on the couch.

When this first happened in the early stages of my relationship I wa lost in fact I was blaming myself for it and I was getting a bit stressed myself and like u tickling is a huge part of my sexual drive that a lot of the time I need it to kick start my other desires so..when I was going thru periods of none it really made me question the future.

But i got to the point where I thought.. what if I explain it to her, so one night I went over sat my partner down and spoke to her about it and explained how I was feeling and I wanted to clarify the whole situation..and my god it was the best thing I ever did..because by that conversation she then explained to me about what she had suffered from in the past with depression and how she still suffers with anxiety and she explained to me what it is..and what it does and she just basically told me how much she loved and cared about me and to not over think things because when we go thru the dry period it's not because shes unhappy with us or the relationship its just what she goes thru when her anxiety flares up and the effects it has on her body.

Tbh I was amazed I even after that conversation I went online and researched it so I fully could try understood what it does and as I did that and she comforted me it just blew away a lot of my doubts so now I understand it and I am just do thankful for what I have ..and we have never looked back since. It just shows how much communicating with each others feels can help.

Hope if nothing else this gives u a bit if hope Matheu about not giving up