I had a bit of time this afternoon. I worked from the video but I had the text of the play for reference, and because the choppy editing left out a few key sentences. Here is the translation:
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THE FATHER: Cyprienne, answer the question!
CYPRIENNE: I will not!
THE FATHER: Then we will have to resort to draconian measures. Marie, go back to your room. Jacques? You stay here.
JACQUES: There are enough of you, you don't need me.
THE FATHER: Lay her down upon the work bench.
CYPRIENNE: I understand now why you had me change my name (indistinct)
(they tie her down)
JACQUES: What are we going to torture her with? (evil laughter)
CATHERINE: I've got cigars.
THE FATHER: I cannot stand the smell of cigars.
CYPRIENNE: Me neither, but I do not want my opinion to influence yours.
THE FATHER: When I say I can't stand the smell of cigars, it is not rhetorical. Actually, there are two things I cannot stand: a badly sharpened plane, and to have wet feet.
JACQUES: What about the smell of cigars?
THE FATHER: In the long run, it dissipates. And here, you know, in a place like this we wouldn't smell it. I think we had better tickle her.
JACQUES: Listen Cyprienne, we must look like we are coming to bully you, but we merely have one simple demand. If you would talk right know, you would spare us a spectacular yet uncomfortable scene.
CYPRIENNE: What do you want me to say, Jacques? You are all here pouncing on me like lice on a head. I suppose you must be as embarrassed as I am. That said, if I were you, I would do the same, because torturing me is the only way you can make me talk. I am stubborn as a mule and I won't answer you.
JACQUES: Then my dear, we are gonna tickle you.
THE FATHER: Don't be afraid to go harsh on her. She is strong as a horse, I should know. Here, use this feather, it is perfect for tickling.
JACQUES: Bring me a straw of hay.
(Cyprienne wails in laughter)
JACQUES: Please, Cyprienne. You're hurting my ears.
(Cyprienne laughs harder)
THE FATHER: Watch out with this feather Jacques, it's precious to me. How stubborn she is... Will you talk already, you little twat?
(Cyprienne still roars in laughter)
CATHERINE (sadistically while affecting an accent): You know Cyprienne, I am disappointed. I did not think you would be so shy. I would have thought that you'd be showing more trust towards your brother and sister, more warmth even.
JACQUES: Really, this is stupid. Why won't you talk? There's this guy you've been sleeping with for four years, everybody knows, everyone has seen you together. And I must add that there is nothing wrong with that. And yet, stupidly, through your stubbornness for whatever reason, you refuse to tell us whether you are pregnant or not. It makes no sense. We wonder what you would do if something bad happened to you.
CATHERINE: We come back here. We are all happy to see you and your fiancé. We are getting ready to celebrate together as a family, to see mom and dad... and yet you wouldn't talk to us. You're acting like you are a stranger to this family.
JACQUES: We could have hoped for a better welcome than this.
THE FATHER: Cyprienne, my little girl... I would never, never have thought you'd have treated us like that!
CATHERINE: We are all sad because of you and you still won't talk!
(Cyprienne is still laughing)
THE FATHER: Here, I'll give you some nails. We need to bind her tighter. Why use ropes to bind people while it is so easy to just nail them down?
JACQUES: It's gonna damage the work bench.
THE FATHER: Never mind. Your sister's marriage is too high a stake. Here's the hammer, Jacques.
JACQUES: No, let's just use duct tape.
THE FATHER: Go get it, Catherine. It is in the tools cupboard.
CATHERINE: On my way.
JACQUES: It makes me sick, dad... I could never stand being tickled. To do it to her feels like someone else doing it to me. Could you take over her torture?
THE FATHER: Come on, come on, a hero like you? In my day in 1890, it would have been unthinkable for a paratrooper to lack guts.
JACQUES: People were raised like savages in your day, too.
(Cyprienne laughs so intensely that she coughs)
THE FATHER: Jacques, don't let her choke. I can see that you're not the one paying 200 Francs per month to buy her singing lessons.
JACQUES: Neither are you.
THE FATHER: That's right, but I wanted to. Come on, Catherine, would you stop playing around?
CATHERINE (entangled in duct tape): Help me, daddy. Cut me out!
(Once she is free, she goes back to tickling her sister)
CATHERINE (yelling): Tell me now. Has Heiz impregnated you, yes or no?
CYPRIENNE: I will say say nothing, nothing! Ouch! Leave me alone!
(She explodes in hysterical laughter)
CYPRIENNE: Please, stop! I'll talk!
THE FATHER (proudly): She has her ways, uh, our Catherine... She's a real tomboy. Come on, Cyprienne: are you expecting?
CYPRIENNE: No...
JACQUES: Is that true?
CYPRIENNE: Yes...
CATHERINE: Are you lying to us?
CYPRIENNE: I am telling the truth.
THE FATHER: Dammit, you are not the talkative type!...
JACQUES: Give me a drink, dad...
(Cyprienne gets up and slaps her father)
CYPRIENNE: Why did you do that to me? Why?! I did not want to tell you!
(someone knocks)
THE FATHER: To know if you needed to marry Heinz. Now we know that he did not impregnate you. We need to start all over again. We need to fix this situation as soon as possible. You marry him, today. Happy? You idiot!
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Only the torture scene has been translated as the video is much longer. My personal opinion about this sad excuse for a play notwithstanding, I'd like to point out that this was supposed to be an
actual torture scene originally, and that it is on a suggestion from one of his friends who proofread the manuscript that Vian changed it. Hence probably this odd reference to the use of nails. No guarantee therefore that he was one of us, although I must say the way it is written strikingly evokes a scene that could have been filmed by FTKL or Tickling in Russia. I imagine a lot of us back then must have "gotten their fix" from it.
For additional info, the play is an anarchist farce that was written to heavily criticize contemporary (1947) France as well as the "barbaric, puritanical and militaristic American society" (the author's words, not mine). Never mind of course that the only reason Vian was able to write said play in the first place was of course because the Americans had landed in 1944, therefore preserving half of Europe from Stalin's greed
Thanks for the link. 
J
