Tips for getting a reluctant gf into tickling

I'd assume just being honest about it to start but taking care to not come off like you're trying to pressure her into anything would be somewhat ideal.

If it's that important to you, it might be easier on both of you to move on and find someone more sexually compatible. At the very least, put yourself in her position; would you want someone to be with you "in spite of" who you are? Who feels the need (and the right) to change you right from the start, to make you acceptable?
There's nothing wrong with you liking what you like.
There's also nothing wrong with her not liking it.

Libertine said:

I'm in complete agreement with Jeff here. We've met and chatted IRL at several NESTs, and I can vouch for his sanity, or at least the fact that he's among the saner members on this site.

I'm ancient compared to most here and first began practical exploration of this hobby in the 70s. I've met some girls (girls in those days but of legal age...) who loved it anyway, some who found themselves interested, some who indulged me and some who absolutely hated it. Above all don't forget that every woman is a human being and approach her accordingly.

That being said, Dr. Seuss's book 'Green Eggs and Ham' is a pretty valuable allegory when explaining how new things might be fun.

My present wife of almost 14 years confided that when an ex snuck up behind her and gently poked her in the ribs when she was preparing dinner she tried to knife him, declaring very loudly that she hated being tickled. Now though gentle modification of that once- dreaded sensation she can now be brought to orgasm by moderate to vigorous foot tickling and nothing else. It's actually quite fun for both of us, but as we met relatively late in life (mine; she's almost three decades younger and I have every intention of dying first) I'd discovered that it did work with a fair few of her predecessors. I experimented.

Nothing works with everyone because everyone is different, but sometimes people can change. It's best not to judge or be censorious, as has happened in previous posts in this thread.

In conclusion I'll offer the same advice as was offered me when he noticed me floundering badly by a far older (late 30s) and more sophisticated English guy in '75, when I was 19. 'Unfortunately you can't be too nice to women', he said. 'If you are, you'll always have plenty of female friends, but everyone else will be fucking them'. I was in my early 30s before I realised that unfortunately he was right.

I didn't like the long series of rotten experiences I went through to learn it, but he was right.

Don't be a pig, but don't be a pushover either. And that's a real balancing act.

Never force; learn when and how to negotiate.

Good luck. And remember that humanity in general doesn't change but individual people might.

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While I hear what you are saying.... at the end of the day "no means no"... and trying to change someone else is a form of control and responsibility that isn't yours. Let people be.

For whatever it's worth, your recent post went way off topic in defense for yourself, and many of us agree that being clear with this girl would be the way to go. But again... at the end of the day... "no means no", man. Respect the boundaries of other people.

Finally, I don't see that Jeff is saying to coerce someone into doing something they don't want to do, but instead I see him saying to have an open discussion about it.

Wolf said:

Do not concur. When someone tells you about a horrible experience in the past, that they've only just now been able to tell someone about, you don't counter with how much it turns you on. That just adds another layer of bad feelings to something they've already got a problem with.

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Is he supposed to break up with her and not tell her why? At minimum, there needs to be a conversation where he explains what's going on in his head.

TMF Jeff said:

Is he supposed to break up with her and not tell her why? At minimum, there needs to be a conversation where he explains what's going on in his head.

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To what end? They've been dating for about six months. If he hasn't been open about what he's into by then, he dropped the ball. You can't expect to get something if you don't ask for it.

She absolutely hates tickling. She had a horrible experience in the past being groped and now associates tickling with that event.
She had never told anyone about it until she told the OP and it was quite a big deal for her. And he still didn't tell her. Now, he wants advice on how to "get her into it".

Now, you want him to break up with her, and make it her fault, for having bad feelings about something he never bothered to tell her was so important to him? Or is the goal to give her a chance to tamp down her feelings, once she knows it's so important to him? And then, she has to worry that if she somehow doesn't want to anymore, she'll lose him? She was honest about her feelings. He has yet to be.

I get the idea of not wanting to end things without a reason, and that maybe you're hoping she's not serious about how she hates it, and there could be a positive outcome. He might be overstating her reaction. Hard to tell from text.

There’s a difference between hating being tickled and hating being tickled because it brings flashbacks from a sexual assault incident. Two very different ballparks here and as a person who has survived sexual assault twice I would know. When I’ve spoken about my previous experiences with tickling and how my girlfriends hated it due to past experiences, it was alway with family members like brothers, uncles, dads, who took tickling too far which made it unpleasant for them and now they hate it. But it had nothing to do with them being sexually abused. Though still I always respected their wishes and never tried to push tickling on them. What the OP is talking about is a sexual assault situation. I think we are so used to these threads popping up “how to I get my partner to be more open to tickling?” Or “how do I convert my vanilla partner?” etc that we just go into our normal responses because it’s so common on this thread but we have to realize this situation is much more serious than your run of the mill “gf hates tickling” and even still if they hate it they hate it. They still have autonomy over their body and what they want or do not want you to do with it and you should not make them feel guilty over it.
That being said, we don’t really know much about the context of their relationship or sex life. Obviously communication hasn’t been a strong point. Is it tickling in general that she’s not okay with? Does she not want to tickle you either? Does she not like hard tickling vs light tickling or just a certain body part that is off limits?
When I was with one of my exes she had experienced sexual trauma when she was a small child. Because of this she had certain limits in the bedroom that she never told me about until I discovered them. I knew about her trauma but did not know physically what exactly happened to her. One time I happened to be playing with her ass which she liked and would ask for all the time, but I accidentally slipped a finger between the cheeks (not inside the actual hole) and she told me she didn’t like me going near her butthole because it reminded her of what happened when she was a kid. I immediately apologized and never did it again and in fact was highly disturbed because now the act reminds me of what happened to her. But she still enjoyed having her ass cheeks played with just nothing going inside. After I was sexually assaulted by my boss I didn’t want my girlfriend kissing on my body or even making out with me because it reminded me of the incident where my boss literally was on top of me shoving his tongue down my throat, tried to lick me all over, and stuck his hands down my pants. I was fine with doing stuff to my girlfriend but basically my girlfriend couldn’t do anything to me for a long time before I was comfortable again. And eventually I was. So I agree that the OP should have been more open about his fetish a long time ago. But I still think some sort of conversation needs to happen about what she is or isn’t comfortable with. And he needs to be supportive of her regardless of her response. And make it about her and her comfort level and not about him and his fetish. This is a trauma situation so he needs to be completely empathetic and understanding. If the possibility of her not being open to tickling on any level is a deal breaker then he should just move on now.

How do you get 6 months into a relationship without this coming up? I'd understand if you were taking it slowly but from what you say it's a sexual relationship. Why is this still a secret? I get that some people are shy with it but this comes across as downright deceitful at this point. Especially when it's something that can potentially nuke the relationship. What if she says a hard no when you ask, are you happy to do without?

Personally I'd be livid if I'd invested 6 months into a serious relationship and one day she turned around and said "oh by the way I have this fetish I need to indulge to be truly happy" and it happened to be one I couldn't accomodate. This is your thing and it's your responsibility to handle it. By saying "How do I make her like my thing?" you're shoving the responsibility onto her and ignoring that maybe she doesn't want to be MADE to like anything? Your only option at this point is tell her the truth WITHOUT trying to guilt trip her over it and see how she responds, but you should prepare yourself for a negative- this is going to be much harder now that you've waited so long.

NB: I'm not suggesting you should to blurt it out over the breadsticks in the restaraunt on your first date, but this is what pillow talk was invented for.

Really appreciate the advice from those who gave it. It's actually worked! So rather than straight up going into tickling with her I asked her if I could stroke her body lightly with my fingertips all over. She said that was fine and since she's super sensitive she was giggling the whole time. Then I asked her if I could more rigorously touch her most sensitive spots assuming I stopped if she got distressed and she agreed. Ended up having a great pre sex tickle session, was very fun for us both!

Congrats! Happy to hear it worked out for you! (And that you ignored the self appointed morality police)

Props.

You might have given your gf her only positive experience involving tickling, OP. Well done.

I am very happy that you were able to go about it from an approach of consent and respect for her and that it turned out to be mutually enjoyable.

Sensualswitch10 said:

Congrats! Happy to hear it worked out for you! (And that you ignored the self appointed morality police)

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Amen....

Wolf said:

Do not concur. When someone tells you about a horrible experience in the past, that they've only just now been able to tell someone about, you don't counter with how much it turns you on. That just adds another layer of bad feelings to something they've already got a problem with.

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Thanks for saying this. There's some people responding directly to the fact that the girlfriend's reluctance is coming from a place of trauma and saying she shouldn't try to be convinced, and that's the respectful, human thing to do.

But it's really disturbing how others are reading into this like her discomfort is just an obstacle to the fetish or something to be argued against. As if OP's girlfriend doesn't actually know what she wants, and we should try to get as much from her as she's willing to give even if she's unwilling.

There's not really any talk happening about how to support her through trauma for her own sake or for their relationship. Just creepy strategizing.

TMF Jeff said:

Is he supposed to break up with her and not tell her why? At minimum, there needs to be a conversation where he explains what's going on in his head.

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That's an especially great point here - and he'd have to be careful about how he broaches the subject and phrases his concerns.

It could easily sound like: "Hey, remember that traumatic incident you confided in me about? That reminded me to talk to you about what turns me on...." The problem is two fold here and the primary problem being her violated sense of safety and wellbeing, whether she can and wants to trust again & OP wants to be that person for her. Everything else is secondary

I know not many like to hear this, but regardless of how much you are into someone and they are into you, when it comes to romantic relationship sexual compatibility is a MUST. Regardless of what fairy tales you'd like to believe about "love is the most important thing and that's all that matters", while that is true in other parts of the relationship, if you are not sexually compatible, this can lead to both unhappiness and sheer utter disaster in the future.

Before getting in deep and actually becoming an item with someone, always be up front about your special kink. If they react positively, then you know you should be ok if a relationship happens, if they don't, move on right then and there and remain good friends. I know this doesn't help in this situation since it's already in progress...but if you end up having to move on because of this, for future the above is the best advice possible

lovelovelove said:

Thanks for saying this. There's some people responding directly to the fact that the girlfriend's reluctance is coming from a place of trauma and saying she shouldn't try to be convinced, and that's the respectful, human thing to do.

But it's really disturbing how others are reading into this like her discomfort is just an obstacle to the fetish or something to be argued against. As if OP's girlfriend doesn't actually know what she wants, and we should try to get as much from her as she's willing to give even if she's unwilling.

There's not really any talk happening about how to support her through trauma for her own sake or for their relationship. Just creepy strategizing.

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This happens to females so much when interacting with dudes. I cannot stand it

Without even trying, I find this

http://www.ticklingforum.com/showth...y-LER)-around-my-age!!!&p=4542928#post4542928

chicago said:

Without even trying, I find this

http://www.ticklingforum.com/showth...y-LER)-around-my-age!!!&p=4542928#post4542928

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Damn, that's sad people are terrible.

I assume linking that was more intended to argue in favour of just trying to find someone you're more sexually compatible with from the get go as opposed to trying to get a reluctant person into your kink.

Mostly about listening to others and caring about how they feel vs what turns your on. If consent isn't there, don't turn it into something where you're trying to change her mind / convince her

That makes more sense.

My post on this thread was categorized in a way I didn't intend to sound, so I'm breaking my normal "no follow-ups" rule to make sure there was no ambiguity.

I am against convincing people who hate tickling to "give it one more try".

First: I am against convincing someone who is "against" being tickled. If it is a hard limit for her, then explore options to sate your tickling needs another way or find a new girlfriend.

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I am against coaxing, coercing, strategizing, and scheming to sate a kink at the expense of an unwilling participant.

Now, pause: the point of this note is not to change anybody's mind. If tickling is a hard limit for you, or if you are convinced you don't like it, that is valid and worthy of being respected. Everybody has had someone with a kink or a fetish say, "but you haven't tried it my way" as if they swing a flogger or tie a rope with that magic touch that will change their perspective immediately and completely. I'm not That Guy, and I don't advocate listening to That Guy.

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My commentary, and the associated FetLife post, are meant to serve as explanations to (often unaware) kinksters of why tickling is such a visceral matter for some people and to try to frame the experience in ways that make sense in a broader BDSM context.

The "tips" included in my posts, here and elsewhere, are what I hope is helpful advice for communicating with people who range from "reluctant-but-curious" to "curious-but-inexperienced" to "enthusiastic-first-timers".

I would hope that my general commentary here and on other forums would speak to how I view the kink, potential partners, etc., but if anyone feels that my remarks can be interpreted in another light, I welcome a DM to tell me so, so that I can do better in future comments.

Straps&Laughter said:

My post on this thread was categorized in a way I didn't intend to sound, so I'm breaking my normal "no follow-ups" rule to make sure there was no ambiguity.

I am against convincing people who hate tickling to "give it one more try".



I am against coaxing, coercing, strategizing, and scheming to sate a kink at the expense of an unwilling participant.



My commentary, and the associated FetLife post, are meant to serve as explanations to (often unaware) kinksters of why tickling is such a visceral matter for some people and to try to frame the experience in ways that make sense in a broader BDSM context.

The "tips" included in my posts, here and elsewhere, are what I hope is helpful advice for communicating with people who range from "reluctant-but-curious" to "curious-but-inexperienced" to "enthusiastic-first-timers".

I would hope that my general commentary here and on other forums would speak to how I view the kink, potential partners, etc., but if anyone feels that my remarks can be interpreted in another light, I welcome a DM to tell me so, so that I can do better in future comments.

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Your fetlife post was great, and spot on. I remembered seeing it a while back, and I "loved" it. Was actually going to try to find it on fet and post it in this thread, but I saw you had already done it.

I'll admit I did find some of the comments somewhat unhelpful, namely those rushing to judge my morality and character off a few lines of text with zero context or proper understanding of the wider situation. They're not really worth addressing directly imo, I thank those who helped though, the whole situation has progressed in a really mutually enjoyable way