Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,913
- Points
- 38
All these cookies can't be good for my health. I enjoy eating a big plateful, but always feel crummy afterward.
Optometrist: "I just got the results from your eye test. I'm afraid they don't look good."
Patient: "Can I see them for myself, please?"
Optometrist: "Probably not."
My sister held services for her deceased dog Fifi and was outraged that I had a snack during the funeral. A lapse in judgement possibly, but I saw no reason to let the damn mutt go to waste.
Rumor has it that Mario and Princess Daisy are now one in the same. Damn Nintendo! They've taken the Switch way too far!
I just love the bird-proof sod I had installed in my lawn! It's absolutely impeccable!
Daughter: "I've decided I wanna be the wife of a witch doctor."
Dad: "A witch doctor?! For heaven's sake, why?"
Daughter: "Obviously, all the financial secewity!"
I've just learned the secret recipe for the perfect honeymoon cocktail: 7-up in cider.
You might catch COVID-19 from handling business luggage, but don't worry... you won't have it for long. Most of them are brief cases.
My doctor says I'm too sick to go to work, but happily I can still party on Saturday and Sunday. It's great to have a weekend immune system!
Shetland pony: "I've been drinking cup after cup of espresso."
Clydesdale: "Let me guess: they've made you a little hoarse."
Shetland pony: "Not since I spilled some in my lap. Now I feel a little coughy."
This Halloween season, I've been trying to decide which monsters are the creepiest. On reflection, I have to give it to the vampires.
Oedipus' subjects followed their king's example by tearing their own eyes out. They'd all sworn to obey him blindly.
I spent 100 grand on a fancy limousine, but my driver's been sick. All that money and nothing to chauffer it!
If you know how to fix broken hinges, stop by anytime. My door's always open.
My dad and his brother were originally conjoined twins, but a surgeon managed to separate them. That means I have one father and one uncle, once removed.
Our new team quarterback comes from Texas. We call him "El Passo".
Some clown at the bar bragged that he can last three hours in bed. Man, do I have him beat! I was in a coma for over a year!
My brother's been awfully moody since the accident, so I'm going to get him the perfect stocking-stuffer this Christmas: a new prosthetic leg!
I insist that my boy wear his glasses when he does his math homework. They improve division.
Any US COVID vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe; if they don't, the country is safe.
My wife's been bugging me for a new fridge, so I got her one for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
On the Mount of Olives, Jesus suffered his crucifixion. Suddenly He called out, "Peter, come to me!"
There were many Roman guards, but Peter fought his way through them until he stood before his master.
"I'm here, my Christ!" he sobbed, falling to his knees. "What is it you want?"
"Hey Pete!" Jesus hollered. "I can see your house from up here!"
* * *
Optometrist: "I just got the results from your eye test. I'm afraid they don't look good."
Patient: "Can I see them for myself, please?"
Optometrist: "Probably not."
* * *
My sister held services for her deceased dog Fifi and was outraged that I had a snack during the funeral. A lapse in judgement possibly, but I saw no reason to let the damn mutt go to waste.
* * *
Rumor has it that Mario and Princess Daisy are now one in the same. Damn Nintendo! They've taken the Switch way too far!
* * *
I just love the bird-proof sod I had installed in my lawn! It's absolutely impeccable!
* * *
Daughter: "I've decided I wanna be the wife of a witch doctor."
Dad: "A witch doctor?! For heaven's sake, why?"
Daughter: "Obviously, all the financial secewity!"
* * *
I've just learned the secret recipe for the perfect honeymoon cocktail: 7-up in cider.
* * *
You might catch COVID-19 from handling business luggage, but don't worry... you won't have it for long. Most of them are brief cases.
* * *
My doctor says I'm too sick to go to work, but happily I can still party on Saturday and Sunday. It's great to have a weekend immune system!
* * *
Shetland pony: "I've been drinking cup after cup of espresso."
Clydesdale: "Let me guess: they've made you a little hoarse."
Shetland pony: "Not since I spilled some in my lap. Now I feel a little coughy."
* * *
This Halloween season, I've been trying to decide which monsters are the creepiest. On reflection, I have to give it to the vampires.
* * *
Oedipus' subjects followed their king's example by tearing their own eyes out. They'd all sworn to obey him blindly.
* * *
I spent 100 grand on a fancy limousine, but my driver's been sick. All that money and nothing to chauffer it!
* * *
If you know how to fix broken hinges, stop by anytime. My door's always open.
* * *
My dad and his brother were originally conjoined twins, but a surgeon managed to separate them. That means I have one father and one uncle, once removed.
* * *
Our new team quarterback comes from Texas. We call him "El Passo".
* * *
Some clown at the bar bragged that he can last three hours in bed. Man, do I have him beat! I was in a coma for over a year!
* * *
My brother's been awfully moody since the accident, so I'm going to get him the perfect stocking-stuffer this Christmas: a new prosthetic leg!
* * *
I insist that my boy wear his glasses when he does his math homework. They improve division.
* * *
Any US COVID vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe; if they don't, the country is safe.
* * *
My wife's been bugging me for a new fridge, so I got her one for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
* * *
On the Mount of Olives, Jesus suffered his crucifixion. Suddenly He called out, "Peter, come to me!"
There were many Roman guards, but Peter fought his way through them until he stood before his master.
"I'm here, my Christ!" he sobbed, falling to his knees. "What is it you want?"
"Hey Pete!" Jesus hollered. "I can see your house from up here!"
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