Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
Erik the Phantom has been mighty generous to me. Still, I try to stay out of his French restaurant; he's always given me the crepes.
Did you see that documentary on Rembrandt's last portrait? So boring! It was like watching paint dry!
Last night in the cocktail lounge, I heard the table next to me order a 9/11. I'd never heard of that before, but I guess the waitress did: she brought a Manhattan and two Kamikazes.
Its easy to tell who the mouth-breathers are... that's because they're not wearing masks.
I'm scared of COVID, but I won't be taking the vaccine. My grandad got inoculated for the Spanish Flu and you know what? He's dead now!
Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas have broken up and the gossip columnists can't get enough of it. Easy to see why; who doesn't enjoy a good Ben/Ana split!
My brother has developed a weird fetish: eating helium balloons. That may seem disgusting, but I understand they're really satisfying once you get the first one down.
Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. But it takes him 15 episodes to do it.
My mom was terribly upset when she caught five-year-old me playing "doctor" with my cute little cousin Jenny. In retrospect, I don't know why she raised such a fuss; that appendix might have become infected and killed Jen.
The CIA has developed a special type of bumblebee that's been trained to collect information instead of pollen. Since that time, the computer world has been taken over by US bees.
My wife says I'm never around when she needs me. She says I'm a lousy husband. I disagree. She needs to remember the wise old saying: "A good man is hard to find."
She: "You need to do more chores around the house."
He: "Can you change the subject, please?"
She: "Sure. More chores around the house need to be done by you."
He: "Yoga pants look great on women!"
She: "Hey! Quit objectifying women!"
He: "If you insist: women look great in yoga pants!"
It's true that if you lose one of your senses, the other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor gain a heightened sense of self-importance.
If you're in the Okefenokee Swamp and an anonymous voice accuses you of wrongdoing, there's no need to look around. It's sure to be an alligator.
Recruiter: "So, why do you want to join the Air Force?"
Recruit: "I have a deficiency. My doctor told me I need more B2."
My dad's friends call him Arson. His actual name is Carson, but they call him that because he's blind.
If you want to lose weight, just start painting your house. The trip to the hardware store is sure to get you thinner.
Sports major: "I say we buy some hot wings for the playoffs! Who doesn't love hot wings!"
Folklore major: "Icarus."
In the wake of Global Warming, a group of scientists has been working on ways to control the weather. Their efforts have met with some success, too. Previously, government agencies wouldn't grant them any money or lab space; nowadays, they have free rain.
Brunette: "I'm a bit concerned about our trip to Spain. I mean, what about Pamplona? What do we do if a bull starts charging?"
Blonde: "Shoot, that's easy! Just unplug it."
A very bleary alcoholic attacks a nun dispensing pamphlets outside the bar. He punches her, kicks her, headbutts her, then knocks her down into the street. Once she's stopped moving, he pulls himself up proudly and crows, "Ha! You ain't as tough as people claim, Batman!"
* * *
Did you see that documentary on Rembrandt's last portrait? So boring! It was like watching paint dry!
* * *
Last night in the cocktail lounge, I heard the table next to me order a 9/11. I'd never heard of that before, but I guess the waitress did: she brought a Manhattan and two Kamikazes.
* * *
Its easy to tell who the mouth-breathers are... that's because they're not wearing masks.
* * *
I'm scared of COVID, but I won't be taking the vaccine. My grandad got inoculated for the Spanish Flu and you know what? He's dead now!
* * *
Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas have broken up and the gossip columnists can't get enough of it. Easy to see why; who doesn't enjoy a good Ben/Ana split!
* * *
My brother has developed a weird fetish: eating helium balloons. That may seem disgusting, but I understand they're really satisfying once you get the first one down.
* * *
Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. But it takes him 15 episodes to do it.
* * *
My mom was terribly upset when she caught five-year-old me playing "doctor" with my cute little cousin Jenny. In retrospect, I don't know why she raised such a fuss; that appendix might have become infected and killed Jen.
* * *
The CIA has developed a special type of bumblebee that's been trained to collect information instead of pollen. Since that time, the computer world has been taken over by US bees.
* * *
My wife says I'm never around when she needs me. She says I'm a lousy husband. I disagree. She needs to remember the wise old saying: "A good man is hard to find."
* * *
She: "You need to do more chores around the house."
He: "Can you change the subject, please?"
She: "Sure. More chores around the house need to be done by you."
* * *
He: "Yoga pants look great on women!"
She: "Hey! Quit objectifying women!"
He: "If you insist: women look great in yoga pants!"
* * *
It's true that if you lose one of your senses, the other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor gain a heightened sense of self-importance.
* * *
If you're in the Okefenokee Swamp and an anonymous voice accuses you of wrongdoing, there's no need to look around. It's sure to be an alligator.
* * *
Recruiter: "So, why do you want to join the Air Force?"
Recruit: "I have a deficiency. My doctor told me I need more B2."
* * *
My dad's friends call him Arson. His actual name is Carson, but they call him that because he's blind.
* * *
If you want to lose weight, just start painting your house. The trip to the hardware store is sure to get you thinner.
* * *
Sports major: "I say we buy some hot wings for the playoffs! Who doesn't love hot wings!"
Folklore major: "Icarus."
* * *
In the wake of Global Warming, a group of scientists has been working on ways to control the weather. Their efforts have met with some success, too. Previously, government agencies wouldn't grant them any money or lab space; nowadays, they have free rain.
* * *
Brunette: "I'm a bit concerned about our trip to Spain. I mean, what about Pamplona? What do we do if a bull starts charging?"
Blonde: "Shoot, that's easy! Just unplug it."
* * *
A very bleary alcoholic attacks a nun dispensing pamphlets outside the bar. He punches her, kicks her, headbutts her, then knocks her down into the street. Once she's stopped moving, he pulls himself up proudly and crows, "Ha! You ain't as tough as people claim, Batman!"
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