Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,911
- Points
- 38
My wife was furious when she saw I'd brought a rubber dog turd home from the store. I don't understand why; she told me she desperately needed sham poo.
Hear about the Eskimo who moved into a brand new igloo? His neighbors threw him a house-warming party; he's currently homeless.
I could tell you I've eaten zebra meat, but if I did I'd be a' lyin'.
Human cannonball: "You can't fire me! I quit!"
Today at the restaurant, I ordered my steak very rare. They brought me a slice of black rhinoceros.
Q: What can you say for sure about a 50 year old who has the chance for some sexy video talk with a girl in her early teens?
A: He's gonna face time.
I've always thought that Lake Superior is conceited. But then, all the Great Lakes are pretty full of themselves.
Q: Why did the Velociraptor cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
My doctor tried to cheer me up by telling me that I'm as healthy as ten oxen. He doesn't fool me; far as I'm concerned, that's a load of bullocks.
Prince Phillip of France made an attempt to invade Russia in 1669, but was defeated and killed by the forces of Tzar Peter the Great. The prince's skull was made into a flagon, out of which the Tzar toasted his victory with a mixture of vodka and orange juice. It was the first ever use of a Phillip's head Screwdriver.
I shot a deer on my hunting trip, then invited my cousins over for a venison dinner. What an evening... we spent the whole time passing the buck.
Jack returned from the giant's castle in the clouds with a bag of gold, a golden goose and a golden harp, after which he was nabbed by authorities. Not for theft, though; he was charged with stalking.
I brought a date to our last family get-together. No one else was very pleased; it was a potluck and my offering didn't go very far.
Cop: "That was a terrible crash! Do you think you're badly hurt?"
Driver: "How should I know? I'm not a lawyer!"
Which cameras are best for selfies? I really don't think it matters. Look them all over... you can take your pic.
Larry Talbot never realized that he turned into a slavering monster during the full moon. He was an unawarewolf.
Q: What does the Queen of the Ostriches say when told a risque joke?
A: "We are not emus."
Coach Reid: "Boys, we may be down 31 to 9, but there's one quarter left and we can still win this thing if we work together! Unity, that's what we need! Remember, there's no 'I' in 'team'!"
Patrick Mahomes: "That may sound good from the sidelines, coach... but out on the field, there's no 'f' in 'way'."
The current energy policy in Texas is being called a dumpster fire. That's slanderous... dumpster fires create affordable light and heat.
Koi fish travel in schools of four. This is a species survival tactic, as the fourth fish is the stupidest, slowest. most useless member of the group. If a predator surprises them, Kois A through C will scatter, leaving the attacker to go after the D Koi.
Sometimes I look at the state of our planet and say to myself, "... how the hell did I end up in orbit?"
"Dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend!"
"Good God! Can't you do any better than this?"
"Stop that, Dad! She's a very sweet person!"
"Butt out, boy. I wasn't talking to you."
* * *
Hear about the Eskimo who moved into a brand new igloo? His neighbors threw him a house-warming party; he's currently homeless.
* * *
I could tell you I've eaten zebra meat, but if I did I'd be a' lyin'.
* * *
Human cannonball: "You can't fire me! I quit!"
* * *
Today at the restaurant, I ordered my steak very rare. They brought me a slice of black rhinoceros.
* * *
Q: What can you say for sure about a 50 year old who has the chance for some sexy video talk with a girl in her early teens?
A: He's gonna face time.
* * *
I've always thought that Lake Superior is conceited. But then, all the Great Lakes are pretty full of themselves.
* * *
Q: Why did the Velociraptor cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
* * *
My doctor tried to cheer me up by telling me that I'm as healthy as ten oxen. He doesn't fool me; far as I'm concerned, that's a load of bullocks.
* * *
Prince Phillip of France made an attempt to invade Russia in 1669, but was defeated and killed by the forces of Tzar Peter the Great. The prince's skull was made into a flagon, out of which the Tzar toasted his victory with a mixture of vodka and orange juice. It was the first ever use of a Phillip's head Screwdriver.
* * *
I shot a deer on my hunting trip, then invited my cousins over for a venison dinner. What an evening... we spent the whole time passing the buck.
* * *
Jack returned from the giant's castle in the clouds with a bag of gold, a golden goose and a golden harp, after which he was nabbed by authorities. Not for theft, though; he was charged with stalking.
* * *
I brought a date to our last family get-together. No one else was very pleased; it was a potluck and my offering didn't go very far.
* * *
Cop: "That was a terrible crash! Do you think you're badly hurt?"
Driver: "How should I know? I'm not a lawyer!"
* * *
Which cameras are best for selfies? I really don't think it matters. Look them all over... you can take your pic.
* * *
Larry Talbot never realized that he turned into a slavering monster during the full moon. He was an unawarewolf.
* * *
Q: What does the Queen of the Ostriches say when told a risque joke?
A: "We are not emus."
* * *
Coach Reid: "Boys, we may be down 31 to 9, but there's one quarter left and we can still win this thing if we work together! Unity, that's what we need! Remember, there's no 'I' in 'team'!"
Patrick Mahomes: "That may sound good from the sidelines, coach... but out on the field, there's no 'f' in 'way'."
* * *
The current energy policy in Texas is being called a dumpster fire. That's slanderous... dumpster fires create affordable light and heat.
* * *
Koi fish travel in schools of four. This is a species survival tactic, as the fourth fish is the stupidest, slowest. most useless member of the group. If a predator surprises them, Kois A through C will scatter, leaving the attacker to go after the D Koi.
* * *
Sometimes I look at the state of our planet and say to myself, "... how the hell did I end up in orbit?"
* * *
"Dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend!"
"Good God! Can't you do any better than this?"
"Stop that, Dad! She's a very sweet person!"
"Butt out, boy. I wasn't talking to you."
