Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
Cops want to arrest me, just for dropping my kids off at school! Sorry about the roof damage, but nobody told me I couldn't use a helicopter!
She: "Would you still love me if you won the lottery?"
He: "Of course I would! That's why I'd miss you so much!"
We had an Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's ward last Sunday. I barely had to do anything... the patients hid their own eggs.
Rule of thumb for all US egg hunts: search in the direction of the Atlantic Ocean, not the Pacific. It's more Easterly.
Spring is in the air! I just can't seem to put this damned toaster back together right!
He has risen! Since helium is lighter than normal air, that's exactly what you'd expect.
After that terrible accident, my wife will be receiving prosthetic limbs. But because the mail is now so slow, they won't arrive for a week. Till then, I'll be waiting on her hand and foot.
He: "I've now gone 100 days without a drink!"
She: "Liar! I saw you take a drink last night!"
He: "Hey, I didn't say consecutively!"
A parakeet flies into the Unemployment Office and says to the clerk, "I'd like you to find me a job, please."
The clerk, amazed, replies, "Why yes! I'm sure we could get you a job in the circus!"
The parakeet stares at her blankly.
"Why on earth would they want a mathematician at the circus?"
My brother became an astronaut because of his severe claustrophobia. He needs as much space as possible.
Q: Why are there so many "begats" in the Bible?
A: Because history is written by the wieners.
My nephew's decided there aren't enough Easter songs, so he plans to write some new ones. None of them sound very traditional to me... every one of them is Hip Hop.
Easter services were interrupted when a naked junkie burst into the church and ran around the altar screaming obscenities. Fortunately, it didn't last long... the furious pastor caught him by the organ.
There's a problem with Just Saying No to Drugs... if you're talking to them, you've probably already said Yes.
When I was a kid, I was convinced I'd been cloned from my older brother. That's 'cause mom told me that all my genes were hand-me-downs.
I scored a hot new girlfriend by telling her I'm worth between four and five million dollars. Technically, that's true... five bucks is between four bucks and five million.
Octopus: "Come any closer and I'll shoot!"
Cat: "Ha! You're one short, pal!"
I hadn't been to a party for more than a year, so now that I've had my shots I swore I'd take part the next one somebody asked me to attend. Must say, I had a lot less fun than I'd hoped, but the cops told me that wasn't really the point of a search party.
Scriptures say that Jesus worked as a carpenter, but I suspect that he fished in his off-hours. I mean, look at him... even in death, he claimed to have caught one "this big!"
I traveled from California clear to New Hampshire, just to tie the knot. That may seem excessive, but hangman gigs are hard to find these days.
My wife accuses me of treating her like a dog. That's nonsense! I love dogs!
A man goes to see a talent agent at his high-rise office.
"So, what is it you do?" the agent inquires.
"Bird impersonations," replies the visitor.
"Bird impersonations?" scowls the agent. "Forget it! That kind of act went out with vaudeville!"
"Darn!" responds the disappointed man, who then flies out the window.
* * *
She: "Would you still love me if you won the lottery?"
He: "Of course I would! That's why I'd miss you so much!"
* * *
We had an Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's ward last Sunday. I barely had to do anything... the patients hid their own eggs.
* * *
Rule of thumb for all US egg hunts: search in the direction of the Atlantic Ocean, not the Pacific. It's more Easterly.
* * *
Spring is in the air! I just can't seem to put this damned toaster back together right!
* * *
He has risen! Since helium is lighter than normal air, that's exactly what you'd expect.
* * *
After that terrible accident, my wife will be receiving prosthetic limbs. But because the mail is now so slow, they won't arrive for a week. Till then, I'll be waiting on her hand and foot.
* * *
He: "I've now gone 100 days without a drink!"
She: "Liar! I saw you take a drink last night!"
He: "Hey, I didn't say consecutively!"
* * *
A parakeet flies into the Unemployment Office and says to the clerk, "I'd like you to find me a job, please."
The clerk, amazed, replies, "Why yes! I'm sure we could get you a job in the circus!"
The parakeet stares at her blankly.
"Why on earth would they want a mathematician at the circus?"
* * *
My brother became an astronaut because of his severe claustrophobia. He needs as much space as possible.
* * *
Q: Why are there so many "begats" in the Bible?
A: Because history is written by the wieners.
* * *
My nephew's decided there aren't enough Easter songs, so he plans to write some new ones. None of them sound very traditional to me... every one of them is Hip Hop.
* * *
Easter services were interrupted when a naked junkie burst into the church and ran around the altar screaming obscenities. Fortunately, it didn't last long... the furious pastor caught him by the organ.
* * *
There's a problem with Just Saying No to Drugs... if you're talking to them, you've probably already said Yes.
* * *
When I was a kid, I was convinced I'd been cloned from my older brother. That's 'cause mom told me that all my genes were hand-me-downs.
* * *
I scored a hot new girlfriend by telling her I'm worth between four and five million dollars. Technically, that's true... five bucks is between four bucks and five million.
* * *
Octopus: "Come any closer and I'll shoot!"
Cat: "Ha! You're one short, pal!"
* * *
I hadn't been to a party for more than a year, so now that I've had my shots I swore I'd take part the next one somebody asked me to attend. Must say, I had a lot less fun than I'd hoped, but the cops told me that wasn't really the point of a search party.
* * *
Scriptures say that Jesus worked as a carpenter, but I suspect that he fished in his off-hours. I mean, look at him... even in death, he claimed to have caught one "this big!"
* * *
I traveled from California clear to New Hampshire, just to tie the knot. That may seem excessive, but hangman gigs are hard to find these days.
* * *
My wife accuses me of treating her like a dog. That's nonsense! I love dogs!
* * *
A man goes to see a talent agent at his high-rise office.
"So, what is it you do?" the agent inquires.
"Bird impersonations," replies the visitor.
"Bird impersonations?" scowls the agent. "Forget it! That kind of act went out with vaudeville!"
"Darn!" responds the disappointed man, who then flies out the window.
