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Friday night nyuks (10-15-21).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,904
Points
38
My dad is a tailor with a very specific job: he's the one who connects the separate halves of ballet dresses. At this, he's the smartest in the business; he's always been good a putting tu and tu together.

* * *​

An airliner lost power and plummeted directly into a rubber factory. The Boeing could be heard for miles.

* * *​

Just like every year, the Halloween Store opened in our town. But thanks to COVID, it's operating with a skeleton crew.

* * *​

He: "So, you say the new neighbor lady used to keep birds?"

She: "No, I said it looks like she's had a cock or two."

* * *​

Don't miss our two-for-one sale! Iron and carbon... two elements for the price of a single alloy! It's a steel!

* * *​

The local undertaker promises I'll have a smokin' hot body even after I die! He has access to a crematorium.

* * *​

Q: Here's a trick question: which state is Lake Michigan in?

A: Liquid.

* * *​

On Valentine's day, I give my wife pickles instead of chocolates. I believe in the wisdom of the great philosopher Confucius: love is brined.

* * *​

Waitress: "How would you like your steak, sir?"

Customer: "Same way I have my sex, darlin'!"

Waitress: "Sorry, sir. We can't serve it that rare."

* * *​

I bought a toilet brush last week and have been using it every day. Must say, I'm not much of a fan... am going back to toilet paper.

* * *​

Two things Ireland doesn't have are snakes and vampires. For the first, there's St. Patrick. For the second: too much Gaelic.

* * *​

I just lost my girlfriend to Cancer. Me being an Aries, she said we just weren't compatible.

* * *​

Q: When Dracula wanted to move from Transylvania to London, he first contacted an estate agent. How did he start the letter?

A: "Tomb it may concern."

* * *​

Once paramedics pried me out of my crashed car, they found that I was suffering hysterical blindness. Fortunately, they sent me to the ICU.

* * *​

Brunette: "Did you hear? There's gonna be new mask mandates throughout the country."

Blonde: "Smart idea. It gives the ugly guys a better chance."

* * *​

My blond girlfriend accidently locked herself in the bathroom. It took us so long to get her out, she peed her pants.

* * *​

Some guy in our class dropped acid before the big exam. He must have taken too much, 'cause they carted him out on a stretcher. Even so, I guess he scored a pretty good grade; I hear he passed with flying colors!

* * *​

My grandad's at that age when he needs to wear adult diapers. He says he's never happier than after he's put on a new pair; he feels like a changed man!

* * *​

William Shatner was launched into space Wednesday with four other passengers, but one of them didn't come back. The poor guy never should have worn that red shirt.

* * *​

To celebrate my first month as a single man, I decided to hit the bars. My formerly conjoined twin prefers to drink at home.

* * *​

James West arrived just in time to see Miguelito Loveless break out of federal prison. The villain smirked at the secret agent as he slid down an escape rope. West thought it was a little condescending.

* * *​

I can always tell what people do for a living. I usually blab about their salary and sex life, too.
 
Last edited:
LOL :p
Great collection, as usual. :D
My favorite this week is a double:
Brunette: "Did you hear? There's gonna be new mask mandates throughout the country."

Blonde: "Smart idea. It gives the ugly guys a better chance."

* * *

My blond girlfriend accidently locker herself in the bathroom. It took us so long to get her out, she peed her pants.
 
Thank you Milagros! :D The blondes pull double duty today! Few men can resist one; nobody can ignore two!
 
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