Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
Take care not to upset your pet pig. The breed is already prone to soooey-cide.
I ran into a conundrum last night: I was digging in the woods, when I unearthed a big chest full of gold coins. My first impulse was to rush home and tell my wife that our money crisis was over... then I remembered why I was digging in the woods.
No matter how much mayhem Godzilla causes, he no longer swallows hotels. His doctor told him he was eating too many suites.
Godzilla doesn't seem to find Japan tasty anymore. Evidently his mouth is watering for a new East Asian country: Viet Nom.
"How does your family like the new car? I understand your mom has a small complaint."
"Yep. She's had one for years."
"But you've only owned the car a week. How's that possible?"
"Dad's a midget."
My brother just can't follow instructions... he impregnated his girlfriend on a pull-out couch.
COVID unemployment has hit every corner of our globe... even Peter Pan's Neverland. Word is that Captain Hook is short-handed.
I've heard it said that women don't fart as much as men. That doesn't surprise me... I've never known one who could stop talking long enough to build up the air pressure.
A blonde was dining in a fancy restaurant and decided she'd like a bottle of wine with her meal.
"But of course!" the waiter purred. "Which year would madam prefer?"
"This one!" she replied indignantly. "I'm thirsty right now!"
My wife wants to divorce me. She says I can't even maintain an erection anymore. I have hard evidence to the contrary, but I'm afraid it won't stand up in court.
Q: Why are nuclear byproducts considered so dangerous?
A: For the most part, they aren't... just Barium.
Have you heard about Ernst Gräfenberg? He's the German physician the "G" spot's named after. I'd give you more information about him, but I've been searching for hours and just can't find it.
He: "When I first married you, I thought you were beautiful! Well I gotta tell ya, I've changed my mind!"
She: "Good. Hope this new one works better than your last."
My uncle used to write TV jingles for the Singer Sewing Machine Company. They're entertaining, but it was just a job to him. He'd rather have been working on his pet project: an opera dealing with the downtrodden workers in the garment district. I've read the finished libretto, and the story's terrific: those poor women win their big strike against management... or sew it seams.
A man enters a fishmonger's shop with a huge salmon under his arm.
"Can you make fish cakes?" he asks the proprietor.
"Certainly I can, sir," the shopkeeper replies.
"Great!" the man gushes. "It's his tenth birthday!"
After a prolonged illness, I died last month... imagine my astonishment when I found that my spirit had been reincarnated into an African herd! Not many of us get a gnu start!
Q: How does Fred Flintstone order Italian lunch meat?
A: "Yabba Gabagool!"
It's an established fact hermit crabs will cultivate Actiniaria larvae and raise them to adulthood on their shells. In exchange for food, these symbiotic partners will protect the crabs with their poisonous stings. So effective is this defense, other crab species will be drawn to the hermit to share its protection. It's a perfect example of the well known adage: keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
"Are you the bastard who's been screwing my girlfriend?"
"Hey, easy! You have the wrong person!"
"Oh... sorry, pal."
"I mean it! Why would you even want a slut like Trixie?"
Q: Okay... your boyfriend wants to take you street racing in his reconstructed, souped-up Viper. What should you, as an responsible girlfriend, do?
A: Get the heck out of Dodge.
Some molds are edible, like the kind in bleu cheese. Others, however, can be intensely poisonous. There's just no telling which ones will kill you and which ones won't... that's why they're called spore-adic.
It can't have escaped anyone's notice that we're currently going through a period of lawlessness where junkies and gang members loot businesses in broad daylight without any fear of opposition from store employees or the police. And to all those crooks and degenerates, I have this to say: don't forget, only six more shoplifting days till Christmas!
* * *
I ran into a conundrum last night: I was digging in the woods, when I unearthed a big chest full of gold coins. My first impulse was to rush home and tell my wife that our money crisis was over... then I remembered why I was digging in the woods.
* * *
No matter how much mayhem Godzilla causes, he no longer swallows hotels. His doctor told him he was eating too many suites.
* * *
Godzilla doesn't seem to find Japan tasty anymore. Evidently his mouth is watering for a new East Asian country: Viet Nom.
* * *
"How does your family like the new car? I understand your mom has a small complaint."
"Yep. She's had one for years."
"But you've only owned the car a week. How's that possible?"
"Dad's a midget."
* * *
My brother just can't follow instructions... he impregnated his girlfriend on a pull-out couch.
* * *
COVID unemployment has hit every corner of our globe... even Peter Pan's Neverland. Word is that Captain Hook is short-handed.
* * *
I've heard it said that women don't fart as much as men. That doesn't surprise me... I've never known one who could stop talking long enough to build up the air pressure.
* * *
A blonde was dining in a fancy restaurant and decided she'd like a bottle of wine with her meal.
"But of course!" the waiter purred. "Which year would madam prefer?"
"This one!" she replied indignantly. "I'm thirsty right now!"
* * *
My wife wants to divorce me. She says I can't even maintain an erection anymore. I have hard evidence to the contrary, but I'm afraid it won't stand up in court.
* * *
Q: Why are nuclear byproducts considered so dangerous?
A: For the most part, they aren't... just Barium.
* * *
Have you heard about Ernst Gräfenberg? He's the German physician the "G" spot's named after. I'd give you more information about him, but I've been searching for hours and just can't find it.
* * *
He: "When I first married you, I thought you were beautiful! Well I gotta tell ya, I've changed my mind!"
She: "Good. Hope this new one works better than your last."
* * *
My uncle used to write TV jingles for the Singer Sewing Machine Company. They're entertaining, but it was just a job to him. He'd rather have been working on his pet project: an opera dealing with the downtrodden workers in the garment district. I've read the finished libretto, and the story's terrific: those poor women win their big strike against management... or sew it seams.
* * *
A man enters a fishmonger's shop with a huge salmon under his arm.
"Can you make fish cakes?" he asks the proprietor.
"Certainly I can, sir," the shopkeeper replies.
"Great!" the man gushes. "It's his tenth birthday!"
* * *
After a prolonged illness, I died last month... imagine my astonishment when I found that my spirit had been reincarnated into an African herd! Not many of us get a gnu start!
* * *
Q: How does Fred Flintstone order Italian lunch meat?
A: "Yabba Gabagool!"
* * *
It's an established fact hermit crabs will cultivate Actiniaria larvae and raise them to adulthood on their shells. In exchange for food, these symbiotic partners will protect the crabs with their poisonous stings. So effective is this defense, other crab species will be drawn to the hermit to share its protection. It's a perfect example of the well known adage: keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
* * *
"Are you the bastard who's been screwing my girlfriend?"
"Hey, easy! You have the wrong person!"
"Oh... sorry, pal."
"I mean it! Why would you even want a slut like Trixie?"
* * *
Q: Okay... your boyfriend wants to take you street racing in his reconstructed, souped-up Viper. What should you, as an responsible girlfriend, do?
A: Get the heck out of Dodge.
* * *
Some molds are edible, like the kind in bleu cheese. Others, however, can be intensely poisonous. There's just no telling which ones will kill you and which ones won't... that's why they're called spore-adic.
* * *
It can't have escaped anyone's notice that we're currently going through a period of lawlessness where junkies and gang members loot businesses in broad daylight without any fear of opposition from store employees or the police. And to all those crooks and degenerates, I have this to say: don't forget, only six more shoplifting days till Christmas!
Last edited:
