Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
My wife gave me an ultimatum: I've been spending way too much on my hobbies... she wants to sell off either my Lego sets or my Lord of the Rings cosplay costumes. Which did I pick? Well, just call me Legoless.
Legos... the most insensitive toy to give a double amputee.
I'm what you'd call an Alpha Male. My brother's a Beta: better crafted, with fewer bugs.
Blonde: "Geesh, what is that corny old music you're listening to?"
Brunette: "That is not corny music! It's some of the finest ever! For your information, that happens to be J. S. Bach's composition, Magnificat!"
Blonde: "Wow, sorry! Thanks for setting me straight! I had no idea he'd written a song about Garfield!"
I was sent to interview a crazy entomologist who was infamous for crossbreeding bug species. It didn't take too long for me to get tired of his ant-ticks.
Christmas may be over now, but that hasn't kept it out of the news. Seems that Mrs. Claus has dragged Santa into divorce court on a charge of infidelity. She claims that he's been cheating on her by pleasuring a sexy female elf. Santa's pleading mistaken identity... it's Rudolph who goes down in his story.
I always thought that Anthony Hopkins was an English actor. Turns out he's actually Welsh. Wow... no wonder he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.
If the warden's a dick, chances are good you're serving time in a penile colony.
The workforce is so depleted right now, my foreman has considered hiring prison labor to finish laying pipe. Yes, it certainly is essential to have a conduit.
I don't know what it is about the Sith Empire; those guys just don't seem fiscally responsible. I mean, they keep building Death Star after Death Star that keep blowing up. What a waste of money! And how about Vader's shiny black suit? That had to cost an arm and a leg!
A degenerate finds a magic lamp and summons up the genie. In return, the genie will grant him one wish.
"That's easy!" the creep leers. "I wish I had the sexiest girlfriend in the world to grope and humiliate!"
"If you insist," sighs the genie. "You had the sexiest girlfriend in the world. At the current moment, though, she's moved on to a better man."
"Last night at the bar, some old cougar offered me 100 bucks if I'd come to her home and have sex with her. She evidently thought that would rattle me, but it didn't. I remained cool, calm and..."
"Collected?"
"You bet your ass!"
When asked if I'm a leg or breast man, I have a standard answer: I make my choice based on personality. It confuses the hell out of the butchers.
Since joining AA, I've managed to stay sober for two whole months! For me, that's not a bad yearly average.
I sent the little woman to the drug store for something that would increase her sex drive. She came back and handed me a bottle of diet pills.
Q: What tactic nourishes a chromosome well enough to help him duplicate DNA?
A: Helix.
My brother's acting all smug and conceited because he managed to make a 50 lb. sausage. What a brat!
King Arthur had a special knighthood for all his excess warriors. He dubbed them Sir Plus.
My wife's favorite phrase: beauty is only skin deep. I keep having to remind her that skin and blubber aren't the same thing.
"I'm opening up a new snack shack... calling it 'A Dish Best Served Cold'."
"Odd name. What will you be serving?"
"Just desserts."
My wife managed to squeeze 14 animals into her pantyhose: ten piggies, two calves, an eager beaver and a fat, ugly old ass.
He: "My, what a purdy little chippy you are! And what's your New Year's resolution gonna be, sweet thang?"
She: "Fuck you, creep!"
He: "Dang! What a great year 2022's gonna be!"
* * *
Legos... the most insensitive toy to give a double amputee.
* * *
I'm what you'd call an Alpha Male. My brother's a Beta: better crafted, with fewer bugs.
* * *
Blonde: "Geesh, what is that corny old music you're listening to?"
Brunette: "That is not corny music! It's some of the finest ever! For your information, that happens to be J. S. Bach's composition, Magnificat!"
Blonde: "Wow, sorry! Thanks for setting me straight! I had no idea he'd written a song about Garfield!"
* * *
I was sent to interview a crazy entomologist who was infamous for crossbreeding bug species. It didn't take too long for me to get tired of his ant-ticks.
* * *
Christmas may be over now, but that hasn't kept it out of the news. Seems that Mrs. Claus has dragged Santa into divorce court on a charge of infidelity. She claims that he's been cheating on her by pleasuring a sexy female elf. Santa's pleading mistaken identity... it's Rudolph who goes down in his story.
* * *
I always thought that Anthony Hopkins was an English actor. Turns out he's actually Welsh. Wow... no wonder he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.
* * *
If the warden's a dick, chances are good you're serving time in a penile colony.
* * *
The workforce is so depleted right now, my foreman has considered hiring prison labor to finish laying pipe. Yes, it certainly is essential to have a conduit.
* * *
I don't know what it is about the Sith Empire; those guys just don't seem fiscally responsible. I mean, they keep building Death Star after Death Star that keep blowing up. What a waste of money! And how about Vader's shiny black suit? That had to cost an arm and a leg!
* * *
A degenerate finds a magic lamp and summons up the genie. In return, the genie will grant him one wish.
"That's easy!" the creep leers. "I wish I had the sexiest girlfriend in the world to grope and humiliate!"
"If you insist," sighs the genie. "You had the sexiest girlfriend in the world. At the current moment, though, she's moved on to a better man."
* * *
"Last night at the bar, some old cougar offered me 100 bucks if I'd come to her home and have sex with her. She evidently thought that would rattle me, but it didn't. I remained cool, calm and..."
"Collected?"
"You bet your ass!"
* * *
When asked if I'm a leg or breast man, I have a standard answer: I make my choice based on personality. It confuses the hell out of the butchers.
* * *
Since joining AA, I've managed to stay sober for two whole months! For me, that's not a bad yearly average.
* * *
I sent the little woman to the drug store for something that would increase her sex drive. She came back and handed me a bottle of diet pills.
* * *
Q: What tactic nourishes a chromosome well enough to help him duplicate DNA?
A: Helix.
* * *
My brother's acting all smug and conceited because he managed to make a 50 lb. sausage. What a brat!
* * *
King Arthur had a special knighthood for all his excess warriors. He dubbed them Sir Plus.
* * *
My wife's favorite phrase: beauty is only skin deep. I keep having to remind her that skin and blubber aren't the same thing.
* * *
"I'm opening up a new snack shack... calling it 'A Dish Best Served Cold'."
"Odd name. What will you be serving?"
"Just desserts."
* * *
My wife managed to squeeze 14 animals into her pantyhose: ten piggies, two calves, an eager beaver and a fat, ugly old ass.
* * *
He: "My, what a purdy little chippy you are! And what's your New Year's resolution gonna be, sweet thang?"
She: "Fuck you, creep!"
He: "Dang! What a great year 2022's gonna be!"
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