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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    2,524

    Friday night nyuks (1-14-22).

    I hoped people would pay plenty to read my autobiography, but so far I haven't sold a single miserable copy. That's the story of my life!

    * * *

    Son: "Dad, I stepped right into something the dog did this morning."

    Dad: "Hmmph. Well, I hope you had the good sense to leave that something outside."

    Son: "What, my pants?"

    * * *

    I was introduced to a woman called Sue Denham. Turned out that wasn't her real name.

    * * *

    Q: Who'd be courageous enough to take the One Ring into Mordor?

    A: Elijah would.

    * * *

    When using the phone, I always wear protection. I have no desire to get hearing aids.

    * * *

    My wife says I'm trash. She says I should stand out on the corner and wait for the garbage men. Well, I refuse!

    * * *

    I grew up in the hood. My sister had it better... she was raised in the trunk.

    * * *

    Hasbro has rebranded one of its most popular toy lines and aimed it at boys who suspect they may be transgender. It's now called "GI Don't Know".

    * * *

    The wife and I have been role playing to spice up our sex life. Last night, the game was Doctor and Patient... we were at it for 3 whole hours! Unfortunately, I spent 2 hours and 55 minutes of it in the waiting room.

    * * *

    Q: New Car Smell is a term used to describe the distinct chemical odor found in brand new cars. Telsas, however, are a different breed of automobile. How does a new Tesla smell?

    A: Musky.

    * * *

    Elon Musk is devoted to the idea of starting a colony on Mars. To that end, he's recruiting married couples for the the first rocket flight. If you intend to go, choose your mate carefully... remember, you already have a SpaceX.

    * * *

    Q: What happens to the Energizer Bunny if you insert the batteries up his asshole?

    A: He keeps cumming and cumming and cumming...

    * * *

    The Energizer Bunny finally ran out of juice. He was found dead in his cell.

    * * *

    Ever seen the show "Spongebob Squarepants"? The title's a bit misleading... Spongebob may be the main character, but Patrick is the star.

    * * *

    When I was young, the girls used to chase after me constantly. Truth to tell, I was a pretty lousy pickpocket.

    * * *

    Before they were kicked out of Eden, Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth to be truly happy. No inlaws!

    * * *

    I spent all my money on self-help books. I just couldn't help myself!

    * * *

    There was a time when women weren't allowed to serve in courtrooms. Back then, they had a lot of hung juries.

    * * *

    Mom came into my room, looked around disgustedly and yelled, "I'm sick to death of seeing your clothes lying around on the floor! I want you to put them all in their place!" I'm not sure what they did to piss her off so bad, but I followed her instructions and gave them a severe talking to.

    * * *

    Q: What starts with T, ends with T and is filled with T?

    A: A British toilet.

    * * *

    My cousin wanted me to be Best Man at his wedding, but I just couldn't get out of a work assignment.

    "Sorry," I told him. "Maybe next time."

    * * *

    "Why were you digging the garden, dear?"

    "It was a grave for my pet goldfish, mom. He died today."

    "That's very sweet, honey. But you really didn't need a hole that big."

    "Yeah, I really did. He was inside the goddam cat."

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    NY City
    Posts
    519,770
    Blog Entries
    13
    LOL
    Great collection, as usual.
    My favorite:

    Before they were kicked out of Eden, Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth to be truly happy. No inlaws!
    <== the sacred soles of Goddess Shelly



    A link to my stories on the TMF.


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    עם ישראל חי
    אֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל חי

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    2,524
    Thank you, Milagros! An interesting choice! Frankly, I'm not sure how much of a paradise Eden really was. There may not have been any inlaws, but it did have experimental surgery. Adam was the world's very first tissue donor! If he'd been willing to give up a few more ribs, he could have had himself quite a harem. A dozen wives... we'd have found out then if Eden was Heaven or Hell.

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