Another Simpsons Thread. I couldn't find the old one!

[JoBelle]

I know there was a Simpsons thread a while back and I was going to post this to it, but I couldn't find the darned thing! The opening lines always cracked me up and I found a list of them!! Hope you get a giggle too!
Joby

BART SIMPSON'S PUNISHMENT

The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different. Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpsonfrom the opening credits:

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

 

[venray]

As usual I prefer to say it with pics......

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Ven

 

[Darkknight]

JoBelle! You rock!!!! I was just talking to a co-worker about all the things Bart wrote on the chalkboard!

Thanks for the list, I'm going to show off tomorrow.

DK

 

[JoBelle]

Thanks DK! Hope they are dutifully impressed!!
Joby

 

[strokeofgenius2]

My personal favs of what Bart writes on the board:

The boys room is not a water park.
I do not have power of attorney over first graders.

yuk, yuk, yuk

 

[Dave2112]

"I have neither been there nor done that"

"I will not scare the Vice President"

"I will not hang donuts on my person"

"Beans are neither musical nor a fruit"

"A desk is no place for a fish"

 

[Frink]

Great thread, Joby. (ty for the tip, EQ)

For all those interested in the most complete, up-to-date list of these....indexed by episode & with commentaries. Go to

http://www.snpp.com/guides/chalkboard.openings.html

snpp.com (Springfield Nuclear Power Plant) is THE place for Simpsons trivia, questions, episode archives and summaries, etc.

 

[Dave2112]

Not a Bartism, but still a classic....

As Marge is competing in the Demolition Derby and getting hammered on, Homer runs into the arena yelling "Quit banging my wife!!!!"