Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
It's early in January and I already have my first date lined up! Needless to say, I'm dressing my best... you're supposed to for Superior Court.
Ancient Peruvians used owls as hunting birds. These animals were extremely reliable and cooperative; not at all surprising, as they were Inca hoots.
For lunch, I ordered an egg salad sandwich with chicken noodle soup; I was eager to see which one came first.
Genghis Khan, after conquering the Chinese and the Muslims: "Christian countries... Europe!"
I spent $2000 on a hunting dog, but every time we venture into the field the ducks wind up biting him! I suppose that's what you have to expect when you own a purebread.
Q: John and Ruthie were biking in mountain country, when the girl hit a loose rock and plummeted over a cliff. What did John do?
A: He continued on his way. The accident had caused him to become utterly ruthless.
My brother just came out loudly in favor of autosarcophagy! Leave it to him to stick his foot in his mouth!
According to the Bible, Jesus walked on water. He's hardly the only miracle worker, though... even in this modern age, people have done the impossible. It's been said that Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
Jesus walked on water and was considered the Messiah. Puppies are 60% water and I've walked on puppies; I, therefore, am 60% of a Messiah. I'm also 100% in prison.
A square cut corners and got a 0 on his test. In the end, it was all pointless.
GI Joe: what we all call Joe after he's ingested five pounds of cheese.
An inventor came up with a steam powered version of the telephone long before Alexander Graham Bell applied for his famous patent, but got no credit for it... too many mist calls.
Vampires have never gone corporate... they're afraid of the stake-holders.
Cube: "You look confused, man! What's the problem?"
Mobius Strip: "Where do I even begin?"
If you speak to a Mobius Strip, it's understood that you'll be getting a one-sided story. However, prepare for a twist.
Monetary units used during the Zombie Apocalypse: crypto-currency.
He: "Got any hot gossip?"
She: "Certainly not! Gossiping is a nasty practice that causes a lot of misunderstanding and hurt, so it's something I just don't do! Not like that awful Jane Smith! She's supposed to have dirt on everybody!"
My bathroom was kind of a mess with hand soaps, shampoos and lotions all over the place, so my sister recommended I get a shower caddie. It worked out pretty well, too, although he does insist on washing the balls first.
Advertising sign during the French Revolution: "Special! Aristocrats, half off!"
Q: The decimal system decided to play a football game... the first team consisted of 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9, while the second team was made up of 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10. Which team won?
A: Team two. They triumphed even though the odds were against them!
While I'm on this diet, I'm only eating 70% of what I used to. Which means, of course, that I'm only excreting 70% of what I used to, too. 70%... just a little more than two turds.
A blonde motorist pulls up beside a homeless man.
Bum: "Two bucks to wash your windshield, lady?"
Blonde: "Deadbeat! Get away from me!"
She drives on, but soon comes across the same homeless man.
Bum: "C'mon, ma'am! How about a buck? I'm starving!"
Blonde: "You again? Leave me alone!"
She drives further on, but soon encounters the very same homeless man.
Blonde: "This is crazy! Like I said the first time, I got nothing for you!"
Bum: "Look, toots, just 50 cents! For that, I'll show how to get out of this roundabout!"
* * *
Ancient Peruvians used owls as hunting birds. These animals were extremely reliable and cooperative; not at all surprising, as they were Inca hoots.
* * *
For lunch, I ordered an egg salad sandwich with chicken noodle soup; I was eager to see which one came first.
* * *
Genghis Khan, after conquering the Chinese and the Muslims: "Christian countries... Europe!"
* * *
I spent $2000 on a hunting dog, but every time we venture into the field the ducks wind up biting him! I suppose that's what you have to expect when you own a purebread.
* * *
Q: John and Ruthie were biking in mountain country, when the girl hit a loose rock and plummeted over a cliff. What did John do?
A: He continued on his way. The accident had caused him to become utterly ruthless.
* * *
My brother just came out loudly in favor of autosarcophagy! Leave it to him to stick his foot in his mouth!
* * *
According to the Bible, Jesus walked on water. He's hardly the only miracle worker, though... even in this modern age, people have done the impossible. It's been said that Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
* * *
Jesus walked on water and was considered the Messiah. Puppies are 60% water and I've walked on puppies; I, therefore, am 60% of a Messiah. I'm also 100% in prison.
* * *
A square cut corners and got a 0 on his test. In the end, it was all pointless.
* * *
GI Joe: what we all call Joe after he's ingested five pounds of cheese.
* * *
An inventor came up with a steam powered version of the telephone long before Alexander Graham Bell applied for his famous patent, but got no credit for it... too many mist calls.
* * *
Vampires have never gone corporate... they're afraid of the stake-holders.
* * *
Cube: "You look confused, man! What's the problem?"
Mobius Strip: "Where do I even begin?"
* * *
If you speak to a Mobius Strip, it's understood that you'll be getting a one-sided story. However, prepare for a twist.
* * *
Monetary units used during the Zombie Apocalypse: crypto-currency.
* * *
He: "Got any hot gossip?"
She: "Certainly not! Gossiping is a nasty practice that causes a lot of misunderstanding and hurt, so it's something I just don't do! Not like that awful Jane Smith! She's supposed to have dirt on everybody!"
* * *
My bathroom was kind of a mess with hand soaps, shampoos and lotions all over the place, so my sister recommended I get a shower caddie. It worked out pretty well, too, although he does insist on washing the balls first.
* * *
Advertising sign during the French Revolution: "Special! Aristocrats, half off!"
* * *
Q: The decimal system decided to play a football game... the first team consisted of 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9, while the second team was made up of 2, 4, 6, 8 and 10. Which team won?
A: Team two. They triumphed even though the odds were against them!
* * *
While I'm on this diet, I'm only eating 70% of what I used to. Which means, of course, that I'm only excreting 70% of what I used to, too. 70%... just a little more than two turds.
* * *
A blonde motorist pulls up beside a homeless man.
Bum: "Two bucks to wash your windshield, lady?"
Blonde: "Deadbeat! Get away from me!"
She drives on, but soon comes across the same homeless man.
Bum: "C'mon, ma'am! How about a buck? I'm starving!"
Blonde: "You again? Leave me alone!"
She drives further on, but soon encounters the very same homeless man.
Blonde: "This is crazy! Like I said the first time, I got nothing for you!"
Bum: "Look, toots, just 50 cents! For that, I'll show how to get out of this roundabout!"
