Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
He: "I consulted a psychic today. She told me I'd die during sex!"
She: "Don't look so downcast! You know that'll be years from now! And at least it'll be a quick death!"
I worry about my blond sister. She was so desperate for gas money last week, she sold her car.
To save on manpower, jail detainees are currently being asked to take their own mugshots. Inmates refer to these photos as "cellfies".
My brother says robotic preparers and servers will soon take over the fast food industry. Personally, I don't see how that could ever happen. If you don't believe me, just check out the nearest MechDonalds!
A foreign exchange student was caught pleasuring himself in his hosts' sleeping quarters. When questioned why he'd do something so disrespectful, he claimed, "I thought it would be okay! They kept calling it the masturbate room!"
Today I didn't have anything planned, so I figured I'd spend my time procrastinating. Then I figured, awww what the hell, I'll just put that off till tomorrow!
"These new bidet toilets make your butthole as clean as a whistle!"
"Sounds like a great improvement!"
"I thought so too until I farted."
I spend most of my work day posting warning notices about professional sloth... that's because the rest of the staff just sits around all day staring off into space! If things don't improve, I'm gonna quit my job at the observatory!
Hear about the Chinese restauranteur who wanted to bring Asian cuisine to the African veldt? It may sound adventurous, but it was nothing new... he'd long been know for taking a wok on the wild side.
My wife and I were role-playing last night; she knows I'm keen on Star Wars, so she pretended to be frozen in carbonite while I was a bounty hunter searching her for Death Star plans. May sound silly, but I enjoy any fantasy that's Boba Fettish. Afterward, she rewarded me with a Hand Solo.
Sinner: "What am I doing down here? In life, I never did harm to any person or even animal! I was a devout vegetarian!"
Devil: "Yeah, we hear that excuse constantly! How could you ever expect to enter Heaven when you were a seitan worshipper!"
I don't want to be a master racist, but I can't help it: all Stormtroopers look alike to me!
When England exiled its wrong-doers to Australia, it turned them spineless. Australia is clear on the other side of the world... what else could they become except inverta-Brits?
I'm so ready to kill my roommate; he never shuts up about wanting to sleep with all the windows open! I'd chuck him out, but our sub doesn't dock for another three months!
Statistics tell us the 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Even so, it could be worse... the other 50% end in death.
If 50% of marriages end in death, I'd still rather be married than single. 100% of lives led single end in death!
The Houthi rebels are now causing even more trouble in the Red Sea; one of their operatives is strapping explosives to barracuda and training them to target enemy shipping. That's a move sure to get attention: Houthi and the blowfish.
Our pastor wanted a mural of the Crucifixion for the church entryway, so I told him I'd take a crack at it. The scenery didn't turn out so well, but I nailed the subject!
Best place to store genetically modified vegetables: keep them in the CRISPR drawer.
I've been reading up on Nicolas II of Russian; according to this new book, the Bolsheviks became so fed up with him, they threw him into a huge crack which opened in the earth! My brother says that isn't true and maybe he's right; possibly it was just an example of Tzar chasm.
No one could decide if the new movement in town was a religion or a cult, but its green-blue vestments made everyone nervous; a lot of troubling rumor has been spread about the Church of Cyantology.
My son came out of the womb all lopsided, so we named him Humphrey Bogart Jones... ears looking askew, kid!
She: "Don't look so downcast! You know that'll be years from now! And at least it'll be a quick death!"
* * *
I worry about my blond sister. She was so desperate for gas money last week, she sold her car.
* * *
To save on manpower, jail detainees are currently being asked to take their own mugshots. Inmates refer to these photos as "cellfies".
* * *
My brother says robotic preparers and servers will soon take over the fast food industry. Personally, I don't see how that could ever happen. If you don't believe me, just check out the nearest MechDonalds!
* * *
A foreign exchange student was caught pleasuring himself in his hosts' sleeping quarters. When questioned why he'd do something so disrespectful, he claimed, "I thought it would be okay! They kept calling it the masturbate room!"
* * *
Today I didn't have anything planned, so I figured I'd spend my time procrastinating. Then I figured, awww what the hell, I'll just put that off till tomorrow!
* * *
"These new bidet toilets make your butthole as clean as a whistle!"
"Sounds like a great improvement!"
"I thought so too until I farted."
* * *
I spend most of my work day posting warning notices about professional sloth... that's because the rest of the staff just sits around all day staring off into space! If things don't improve, I'm gonna quit my job at the observatory!
* * *
Hear about the Chinese restauranteur who wanted to bring Asian cuisine to the African veldt? It may sound adventurous, but it was nothing new... he'd long been know for taking a wok on the wild side.
* * *
My wife and I were role-playing last night; she knows I'm keen on Star Wars, so she pretended to be frozen in carbonite while I was a bounty hunter searching her for Death Star plans. May sound silly, but I enjoy any fantasy that's Boba Fettish. Afterward, she rewarded me with a Hand Solo.
* * *
Sinner: "What am I doing down here? In life, I never did harm to any person or even animal! I was a devout vegetarian!"
Devil: "Yeah, we hear that excuse constantly! How could you ever expect to enter Heaven when you were a seitan worshipper!"
* * *
I don't want to be a master racist, but I can't help it: all Stormtroopers look alike to me!
* * *
When England exiled its wrong-doers to Australia, it turned them spineless. Australia is clear on the other side of the world... what else could they become except inverta-Brits?
* * *
I'm so ready to kill my roommate; he never shuts up about wanting to sleep with all the windows open! I'd chuck him out, but our sub doesn't dock for another three months!
* * *
Statistics tell us the 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Even so, it could be worse... the other 50% end in death.
* * *
If 50% of marriages end in death, I'd still rather be married than single. 100% of lives led single end in death!
* * *
The Houthi rebels are now causing even more trouble in the Red Sea; one of their operatives is strapping explosives to barracuda and training them to target enemy shipping. That's a move sure to get attention: Houthi and the blowfish.
* * *
Our pastor wanted a mural of the Crucifixion for the church entryway, so I told him I'd take a crack at it. The scenery didn't turn out so well, but I nailed the subject!
* * *
Best place to store genetically modified vegetables: keep them in the CRISPR drawer.
* * *
I've been reading up on Nicolas II of Russian; according to this new book, the Bolsheviks became so fed up with him, they threw him into a huge crack which opened in the earth! My brother says that isn't true and maybe he's right; possibly it was just an example of Tzar chasm.
* * *
No one could decide if the new movement in town was a religion or a cult, but its green-blue vestments made everyone nervous; a lot of troubling rumor has been spread about the Church of Cyantology.
* * *
My son came out of the womb all lopsided, so we named him Humphrey Bogart Jones... ears looking askew, kid!
