Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
Most boyfriends carry condoms, but have you ever wondered what the difference is between a boyfriend and a condom? The answer's pretty simple: condoms have evolved. They aren't as thick or insensitive as they used to be.
My son throws a tantrum every time we drive near the toy store. I understand he hates the job, but if he doesn't quit it soon he can start finding his own way to work.
In the '50s, a lot of cars sported rear tailfins. Most people think these were inspired by fish, but the idea actually came from alligators. If you drove up near enough to examine them, you were demonstrating the way a popular term got started: tailgater.
I've heard it said that it takes 45 muscles to frown, but only 10 to smile. Ergo, I scowl constantly; exercise is good for you.
"What's pi times e?
"I dunno... ate something?"
My brother prefers bitcoin to paper money because it isn't plastered with a lot of dead presidents. If he really finds death that distasteful, I can't understand why he'd deal in crypt-o currency.
Here are the results from a recent women's survey: 30% of women think their ass is too fat; 10% think their ass is too skinny; 60% don't care what shape he's in as long as he brings home a paycheck.
Snails may eat moss, but not me. It's not to my lichen.
Dad bought his little boy a toy iPhone so realistic it looks like the real thing. Any kid would be delighted with a gift this good, but it hasn't worked out so well... he's now receiving calls about an extended warranty on his Power Wheels car.
I'm furious at Tiffany's! I special ordered a silver jewelry box for my wife, and when I examined it I found that someone had engraved the word "whore" on the inside of the lid! I expressly asked for that to be put on the outside!
Customer: "What would you recommend for a light lunch?"
Waitress: "Well, the chicken strips for $5.99."
Customer: "Maybe it does, but how does that help satisfy my hunger?"
There's a new law in our state: young children must be carried when you're using escalators. Guess I'll have to take the stairs when I shop at the mall from now on... I don't have any kids.
Hear about the new stir fry restaurant that just opened up in Port-au-Prince? Rumor has it the place is staffed by zombies. The name of the place doesn't diminish that impression: Dead Man Wokking.
Despite the march of progress, it doesn't seem to me that photographs taken today look any better than they did when I was a kid. The profession just hasn't developed since then.
She: "Are you still at the bar? Be back here in fifteen minutes or I'm giving your dinner to the dog!"
He: "Yeah? So what are you serving tonight?"
She: "Same as every Friday! Kibble 'n Bits!"
My auntie worked for Ringling Brothers, billing herself as the Zelda, the Arial Artist with the 55 Inch Bust! Yes, she was Queen of the Big Top!
It's small wonder that women find vampires the most romantically attractive of monsters: they always get permission before cumming inside.
I read all the negative press about cigarettes and went to the doctor to see if he could help me quit. He told me that every time I felt like having another coffin nail, I should grab a Tootsie Roll instead. Well, that didn't work out so good... couldn't keep the damn things lit.
Diner: "Hey! I ordered this steak rare and it's well done!"
Chef: "Thank you sir! I always try to do my best!"
My seven year old son is driving me crazy! Last night he squeezed a whole tube of Elmer's glue over my antique pistol collection! I'm planning on a harsh punishment this time. My wife would prefer I go easy on him, but I'm sticking to my guns!
"Hey pal, I'd like your opinion. Do you think it's all right for me to have a few drinks once the kids are in school?"
"I don't see what harm it could do."
"Thanks! Glad to hear it! The rest of the teachers think I'm being irresponsible!"
A kindergarten teacher arrives at his classroom obviously plastered.
"A'right class," he slurs, "t'day we're gonna... I dunno... recite the alphabet, I guess. Jimmy, you start."
Jimmy stares at his teacher uncertainly, then asks, "Teacher... are you okay?"
"Yeah, they're in there," the drunk responds. "But you got 'em in the wrong order."
* * *
My son throws a tantrum every time we drive near the toy store. I understand he hates the job, but if he doesn't quit it soon he can start finding his own way to work.
* * *
In the '50s, a lot of cars sported rear tailfins. Most people think these were inspired by fish, but the idea actually came from alligators. If you drove up near enough to examine them, you were demonstrating the way a popular term got started: tailgater.
* * *
I've heard it said that it takes 45 muscles to frown, but only 10 to smile. Ergo, I scowl constantly; exercise is good for you.
* * *
"What's pi times e?
"I dunno... ate something?"
* * *
My brother prefers bitcoin to paper money because it isn't plastered with a lot of dead presidents. If he really finds death that distasteful, I can't understand why he'd deal in crypt-o currency.
* * *
Here are the results from a recent women's survey: 30% of women think their ass is too fat; 10% think their ass is too skinny; 60% don't care what shape he's in as long as he brings home a paycheck.
* * *
Snails may eat moss, but not me. It's not to my lichen.
* * *
Dad bought his little boy a toy iPhone so realistic it looks like the real thing. Any kid would be delighted with a gift this good, but it hasn't worked out so well... he's now receiving calls about an extended warranty on his Power Wheels car.
* * *
I'm furious at Tiffany's! I special ordered a silver jewelry box for my wife, and when I examined it I found that someone had engraved the word "whore" on the inside of the lid! I expressly asked for that to be put on the outside!
* * *
Customer: "What would you recommend for a light lunch?"
Waitress: "Well, the chicken strips for $5.99."
Customer: "Maybe it does, but how does that help satisfy my hunger?"
* * *
There's a new law in our state: young children must be carried when you're using escalators. Guess I'll have to take the stairs when I shop at the mall from now on... I don't have any kids.
* * *
Hear about the new stir fry restaurant that just opened up in Port-au-Prince? Rumor has it the place is staffed by zombies. The name of the place doesn't diminish that impression: Dead Man Wokking.
* * *
Despite the march of progress, it doesn't seem to me that photographs taken today look any better than they did when I was a kid. The profession just hasn't developed since then.
* * *
She: "Are you still at the bar? Be back here in fifteen minutes or I'm giving your dinner to the dog!"
He: "Yeah? So what are you serving tonight?"
She: "Same as every Friday! Kibble 'n Bits!"
* * *
My auntie worked for Ringling Brothers, billing herself as the Zelda, the Arial Artist with the 55 Inch Bust! Yes, she was Queen of the Big Top!
* * *
It's small wonder that women find vampires the most romantically attractive of monsters: they always get permission before cumming inside.
* * *
I read all the negative press about cigarettes and went to the doctor to see if he could help me quit. He told me that every time I felt like having another coffin nail, I should grab a Tootsie Roll instead. Well, that didn't work out so good... couldn't keep the damn things lit.
* * *
Diner: "Hey! I ordered this steak rare and it's well done!"
Chef: "Thank you sir! I always try to do my best!"
* * *
My seven year old son is driving me crazy! Last night he squeezed a whole tube of Elmer's glue over my antique pistol collection! I'm planning on a harsh punishment this time. My wife would prefer I go easy on him, but I'm sticking to my guns!
* * *
"Hey pal, I'd like your opinion. Do you think it's all right for me to have a few drinks once the kids are in school?"
"I don't see what harm it could do."
"Thanks! Glad to hear it! The rest of the teachers think I'm being irresponsible!"
* * *
A kindergarten teacher arrives at his classroom obviously plastered.
"A'right class," he slurs, "t'day we're gonna... I dunno... recite the alphabet, I guess. Jimmy, you start."
Jimmy stares at his teacher uncertainly, then asks, "Teacher... are you okay?"
"Yeah, they're in there," the drunk responds. "But you got 'em in the wrong order."
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