Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
Bilbo Baggins left his estate to his cousin Frodo because he couldn't have children of his own. It's a little-known fact that Gollum castrated Bilbo in revenge for the Hobbit stealing his magic ring. While similar, Gollum, or course, was not a Hobbit... he was a Bobbit.
Breaking news: Lorena Bobbit has just died in an auto accident. Apparently she was in rush hour traffic and some dick cut her off.
My wife and I are into bondage. She likes it 'cause she's kinky as hell and enjoys being bound and gagged; I like it 'cause it shuts her up for a few hours.
"According to this article, health is down nationwide because people spent too much time sitting in front of computer screens."
"I understand."
"Right. Apparently everybody does!"
I told my wife that husbands are like fine wine: they all grow better with age. Big mistake... next day, she locked me in the cellar.
A report's come out regarding railroad accidents: it states that more fatalities occur in the last car in line than in any other. But authorities found a quick solution to the problem... they've directed that the last car in all trains be removed.
If I want to write an article about rhinoplasty, it's easy to find participants ready and eager to show off their new noses. Those who've had blepharoplasty likewise can't wait to tell me about their improved eyes. But when it comes to labiaplasty, it's a whole different story. Patients are so tight-lipped!
Brunette: "You say your English teacher penalized you just because you misplaced one of your periods?"
Blonde: "Nah, not exactly. He penalized me first. And it wasn't one period I misplaced; it's been three."
I'll never forget the first time I saw a universal remote! What a momentous development! I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Elon Musk bought Twitter, but that didn't last long. He's now an X owner.
To all of you who handed out "healthy" treats this Halloween: how could you be so thoughtless! Eggs have become really expensive lately!
I called the Child Abuse Hotline to no avail! The 12-year-old next door still won't stop teasing me!
Q: After the incident with the wolf, the three little pigs all decided to rebuild. The first little pig built a red house. It was made of red bricks. The second little pig built a blue house. It was made of blue bricks. The third little pig built a green house. What kind of bricks did he use?
A: None. Green houses are made out of glass.
I can't stand Christians! Jews irritate me! Muslims scare me! The Buddhists are so full of themselves! The only ones I get along with are the Hindus... with them, I have no beef.
Q: The mummy of Ramses II suddenly came back to life, just the way he'd intended; after regaining his senses, the first thing he did was head for a spa. Why was that?
A: It was the perfect place to unwind.
Does it confuse anyone else that the fastest cars are always the most expensive? I've always heard that torque is cheap!
Hippos can swim faster than humans and they can run faster than humans. This horrifying information means only one thing: you better do really well on the bike to have chance against him in the triathlon.
I'd just set down my spray deodorant when the can blew up! I was terrified! If Id waited a bit longer, I'd have been blasted to death! But I survived; the only negative effect was that I was saturated in smelly antiperspirant. Folks can smell me coming from a block away now. So, it seems that the old adage is true... whatever does kill you makes you stronger!
Tourist on safari: "I came to Africa expressly to see cheetahs! Are you any good at spotting cheetahs?"
Safari guide: "It isn't necessary, ma'am. They come that way already."
My mom treats the family dog just like he's one of us kids. Don't let that get out... another Animal Cruelty charge, and she'll be heading for jail.
The current actor's strike is even affecting the porn industry; producers have been hiring scabs who aren't nearly as well hung. Talk about being short staffed!
I took my kids trick-or-treating this year. Such wild costumes! No hobos or clowns or Zoros, like when I was a kid... monsters are more popular than ever. Werewolves... mummies... witches... and a strange combination I'd never before seen: ghouls walking arm in arm with demons! So, I guess it's true what I've always heard: demons are a ghoul's best friend.
* * *
Breaking news: Lorena Bobbit has just died in an auto accident. Apparently she was in rush hour traffic and some dick cut her off.
* * *
My wife and I are into bondage. She likes it 'cause she's kinky as hell and enjoys being bound and gagged; I like it 'cause it shuts her up for a few hours.
* * *
"According to this article, health is down nationwide because people spent too much time sitting in front of computer screens."
"I understand."
"Right. Apparently everybody does!"
* * *
I told my wife that husbands are like fine wine: they all grow better with age. Big mistake... next day, she locked me in the cellar.
* * *
A report's come out regarding railroad accidents: it states that more fatalities occur in the last car in line than in any other. But authorities found a quick solution to the problem... they've directed that the last car in all trains be removed.
* * *
If I want to write an article about rhinoplasty, it's easy to find participants ready and eager to show off their new noses. Those who've had blepharoplasty likewise can't wait to tell me about their improved eyes. But when it comes to labiaplasty, it's a whole different story. Patients are so tight-lipped!
* * *
Brunette: "You say your English teacher penalized you just because you misplaced one of your periods?"
Blonde: "Nah, not exactly. He penalized me first. And it wasn't one period I misplaced; it's been three."
* * *
I'll never forget the first time I saw a universal remote! What a momentous development! I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
* * *
Elon Musk bought Twitter, but that didn't last long. He's now an X owner.
* * *
To all of you who handed out "healthy" treats this Halloween: how could you be so thoughtless! Eggs have become really expensive lately!
* * *
I called the Child Abuse Hotline to no avail! The 12-year-old next door still won't stop teasing me!
* * *
Q: After the incident with the wolf, the three little pigs all decided to rebuild. The first little pig built a red house. It was made of red bricks. The second little pig built a blue house. It was made of blue bricks. The third little pig built a green house. What kind of bricks did he use?
A: None. Green houses are made out of glass.
* * *
I can't stand Christians! Jews irritate me! Muslims scare me! The Buddhists are so full of themselves! The only ones I get along with are the Hindus... with them, I have no beef.
* * *
Q: The mummy of Ramses II suddenly came back to life, just the way he'd intended; after regaining his senses, the first thing he did was head for a spa. Why was that?
A: It was the perfect place to unwind.
* * *
Does it confuse anyone else that the fastest cars are always the most expensive? I've always heard that torque is cheap!
* * *
Hippos can swim faster than humans and they can run faster than humans. This horrifying information means only one thing: you better do really well on the bike to have chance against him in the triathlon.
* * *
I'd just set down my spray deodorant when the can blew up! I was terrified! If Id waited a bit longer, I'd have been blasted to death! But I survived; the only negative effect was that I was saturated in smelly antiperspirant. Folks can smell me coming from a block away now. So, it seems that the old adage is true... whatever does kill you makes you stronger!
* * *
Tourist on safari: "I came to Africa expressly to see cheetahs! Are you any good at spotting cheetahs?"
Safari guide: "It isn't necessary, ma'am. They come that way already."
* * *
My mom treats the family dog just like he's one of us kids. Don't let that get out... another Animal Cruelty charge, and she'll be heading for jail.
* * *
The current actor's strike is even affecting the porn industry; producers have been hiring scabs who aren't nearly as well hung. Talk about being short staffed!
* * *
I took my kids trick-or-treating this year. Such wild costumes! No hobos or clowns or Zoros, like when I was a kid... monsters are more popular than ever. Werewolves... mummies... witches... and a strange combination I'd never before seen: ghouls walking arm in arm with demons! So, I guess it's true what I've always heard: demons are a ghoul's best friend.
