Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
We're all going to miss Grandma this Christmas, but we know she'll looking down on us from above; the stairlift repair man can't get here until after the holidays.
Q: Which is the oldest genre of music?
A: Rock. It comes from the Stone Age.
My wife regularly insists that I put the toilet seat down, but it's only gotten worse as we reach the end of the year. She warns that she'll cancel Christmas dinner if I try to bring it to the table.
The guy who plays Santa at the mall has gone out on strike... he's tired of being considered a subordinate Claus.
I'm delighted to report that I've received a 25% raise!... or would be if all the prices hadn't gone up by 35%.
Junior: "Hey dad! I just got cast in the school play!"
Senior: "That's great news, son! What part did you get?"
Junior: "He's a guy just like you who's married to a lady just like mom!"
Senior: "Nuts. I had hoped you'd get a speaking roll."
I drank the last beer in my brother's refrigerator even though I actually prefer soda. It was completely out of Sprite.
Brunette: "There's a quiz coming up and you can't afford another F, so let's check your science knowledge: why is Helium so much lighter than air?"
Blonde: "I dunno. I guess it must use sunscreen."
According to proper etiquette, She always comes before He. However, in the real world She has been known to fake it.
According to my investigation, certain trainers are inducing their horses to vomit so they'll weigh less before a big race. I haven't seen it happen myself...my belief is based on feedback I've received.
Dress your pig in black and it will never be stolen. That's because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
After years of bugging my brother to start his own business, he finally did: he opened up an illicit cat house. I guess you could say he's now an improprietor.
Hear about the lunatic who got a gun and started mowing down street performers? What an ugly turn of events! A mime is a terrible thing to waste!
In the distant future, all humans will be grown in Petri dishes. At last, a truly cultured society!
Q: Which Star Wars character is responsible for modelling the latest Jedi fashions?
A: Mannequin Skywalker. He can be found working at the Darth Mall.
Tampax has released a festively decorated tampon for the holidays. It's specially designed for the Yule tide.
Chewbacca never got a medal for that last-minute rescue, so he spent the rest of the film series making high-pitched whining sounds and waving his arms around. That's just the way the Wookiee grumbles.
My pet frog broke both his legs in the most recent Calaveras competition. He's feeling distinctly unhoppy.
Hear about the constipated financial expert? He tried to work it out with a #2 pencil, but he still couldn't budget.
It's true, Virginia... Santa really does go down the chimney every Christmas Eve! Why? simply because it soots him.
The Dynamic Duo were careless and got clobbered by the Joker on a steamroller. From now on, you can call them Flatman and Ribbon.
I took my son out for his first beer today! He had a sip of English ale, but didn't like it so I had to finish it myself. He then tried a Pilsner and didn't care for that much either, so I was forced to empty that glass too. On and on it went, style after style, brand after brand; seems he hates beer as much as I love it! What an afternoon! I tell you, I got so sloshed, I could barely push the stroller home!
* * *
Q: Which is the oldest genre of music?
A: Rock. It comes from the Stone Age.
* * *
My wife regularly insists that I put the toilet seat down, but it's only gotten worse as we reach the end of the year. She warns that she'll cancel Christmas dinner if I try to bring it to the table.
* * *
The guy who plays Santa at the mall has gone out on strike... he's tired of being considered a subordinate Claus.
* * *
I'm delighted to report that I've received a 25% raise!... or would be if all the prices hadn't gone up by 35%.
* * *
Junior: "Hey dad! I just got cast in the school play!"
Senior: "That's great news, son! What part did you get?"
Junior: "He's a guy just like you who's married to a lady just like mom!"
Senior: "Nuts. I had hoped you'd get a speaking roll."
* * *
I drank the last beer in my brother's refrigerator even though I actually prefer soda. It was completely out of Sprite.
* * *
Brunette: "There's a quiz coming up and you can't afford another F, so let's check your science knowledge: why is Helium so much lighter than air?"
Blonde: "I dunno. I guess it must use sunscreen."
* * *
According to proper etiquette, She always comes before He. However, in the real world She has been known to fake it.
* * *
According to my investigation, certain trainers are inducing their horses to vomit so they'll weigh less before a big race. I haven't seen it happen myself...my belief is based on feedback I've received.
* * *
Dress your pig in black and it will never be stolen. That's because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
* * *
After years of bugging my brother to start his own business, he finally did: he opened up an illicit cat house. I guess you could say he's now an improprietor.
* * *
Hear about the lunatic who got a gun and started mowing down street performers? What an ugly turn of events! A mime is a terrible thing to waste!
* * *
In the distant future, all humans will be grown in Petri dishes. At last, a truly cultured society!
* * *
Q: Which Star Wars character is responsible for modelling the latest Jedi fashions?
A: Mannequin Skywalker. He can be found working at the Darth Mall.
* * *
Tampax has released a festively decorated tampon for the holidays. It's specially designed for the Yule tide.
* * *
Chewbacca never got a medal for that last-minute rescue, so he spent the rest of the film series making high-pitched whining sounds and waving his arms around. That's just the way the Wookiee grumbles.
* * *
My pet frog broke both his legs in the most recent Calaveras competition. He's feeling distinctly unhoppy.
* * *
Hear about the constipated financial expert? He tried to work it out with a #2 pencil, but he still couldn't budget.
* * *
It's true, Virginia... Santa really does go down the chimney every Christmas Eve! Why? simply because it soots him.
* * *
The Dynamic Duo were careless and got clobbered by the Joker on a steamroller. From now on, you can call them Flatman and Ribbon.
* * *
I took my son out for his first beer today! He had a sip of English ale, but didn't like it so I had to finish it myself. He then tried a Pilsner and didn't care for that much either, so I was forced to empty that glass too. On and on it went, style after style, brand after brand; seems he hates beer as much as I love it! What an afternoon! I tell you, I got so sloshed, I could barely push the stroller home!
