Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
Putin is woken up by one of his generals, who tell his, "Comrade President, the Ukrainians wish to discuss surrender terms!"
"Well it's about time!" Putin gloats as he clambers out of bed. "Get Zelensky on the phone!"
"No need," the general replies. "He and the Ukranian army are right outside the door."
My new nephew came into the world over the weekend and it must have been a complicated birth. My brother called to let me know he'd been de-livered!
Brunette: "You want to be an optometrist? That's crazy! You don't even know how to spell it!"
Blonde: "Yes I do too!"
Brunette: "Okay... spell it, then!"
Blonde: "That's easy: I... T..."
My uncle's become an expert at flipping houses. This is the third time he's wrecked his RV.
Customer: "I just love frozen treats! So many choices... what are the ones on the green sticks?"
Vender: "Those are my best sellers! Just like the ones Dad used to make! That's why I call them Popsicles!"
Customer: "And what about the ones on the red sticks?"
Vender: "The red sticks indicate my experimental flavors. You need to be a bit wary when tasting them... they're my Testicles."
The blood of heroes flows through my veins! I got a transfusion a Marine base.
Q: What's the best way to gift a Snoop Dogg CD?
A: Using gangsta wrap.
I want to go to the mountains on vacation; my wife wants to go to the Grand Canyon. Neither of us will budge; one of us needs an altitude adjustment.
Don't eat chili served at an actors' retirement home. Nothing palitable ever came from has-beans.
I ran a perfectly successful surveying company until my forman Robert went nuts and painted himself deep purple! What will customers think of my business when they learn I have a plum Bob?
Neil Armstrong: "Mission control, we're ready to return to Earth. And we're bringing a passenger with us!"
Mission control: "You're bringing back a person from the Moon?! What monumental news! What does it have to say?"
Alice: "Just tell Ralph that when I get back home, I'll kill him!"
How an atheist greets you on December 25th: "Merry Christ-myth!"
Q: Which top dinosaur predator became extinct because its vile odor drove its prey away?
A: Tyrannosaurus Reeks.
When I tell people about my wife, I always let them know that she's a geologist. Even though that isn't strictly true... she's just really good at finding faults.
I'm so annoyed that California has banned plastic straws! Now I have to go back to choking sea turles by hand!
If you would find the true path to salvation, seek out a labyrinth made from drooping purple blooms. You see, the Lord works in wisteria's maze.
I'm thinking of sending my dog to law school. He already knows how to chase ambulances.
Music critic: "You claim to have the widest range of any living singer! Well, I attended the choral concert and didn't notice a single note come from your mouth! Didn't you tell me you sang solo?"
Singer: "That's right! So low that only whales can hear me!"
Talk about rotten Christmas holidays... I got three sweaters this year! I'd hoped for at least one moaner or screamer!
A YouTuber in Madrid may be the most dangerous man in Europe. He's the Spanish Influenza.
Santa plowed his sleigh into a helicopter on Christmas Eve. You should have seen the rain deer!
My wife informed us that we, her family, were her special gift this Christmas! We were all feeling pretty good about it until she tried to return us for a refund.
"Well it's about time!" Putin gloats as he clambers out of bed. "Get Zelensky on the phone!"
"No need," the general replies. "He and the Ukranian army are right outside the door."
* * *
My new nephew came into the world over the weekend and it must have been a complicated birth. My brother called to let me know he'd been de-livered!
* * *
Brunette: "You want to be an optometrist? That's crazy! You don't even know how to spell it!"
Blonde: "Yes I do too!"
Brunette: "Okay... spell it, then!"
Blonde: "That's easy: I... T..."
* * *
My uncle's become an expert at flipping houses. This is the third time he's wrecked his RV.
* * *
Customer: "I just love frozen treats! So many choices... what are the ones on the green sticks?"
Vender: "Those are my best sellers! Just like the ones Dad used to make! That's why I call them Popsicles!"
Customer: "And what about the ones on the red sticks?"
Vender: "The red sticks indicate my experimental flavors. You need to be a bit wary when tasting them... they're my Testicles."
* * *
The blood of heroes flows through my veins! I got a transfusion a Marine base.
* * *
Q: What's the best way to gift a Snoop Dogg CD?
A: Using gangsta wrap.
* * *
I want to go to the mountains on vacation; my wife wants to go to the Grand Canyon. Neither of us will budge; one of us needs an altitude adjustment.
* * *
Don't eat chili served at an actors' retirement home. Nothing palitable ever came from has-beans.
* * *
I ran a perfectly successful surveying company until my forman Robert went nuts and painted himself deep purple! What will customers think of my business when they learn I have a plum Bob?
* * *
Neil Armstrong: "Mission control, we're ready to return to Earth. And we're bringing a passenger with us!"
Mission control: "You're bringing back a person from the Moon?! What monumental news! What does it have to say?"
Alice: "Just tell Ralph that when I get back home, I'll kill him!"
* * *
How an atheist greets you on December 25th: "Merry Christ-myth!"
* * *
Q: Which top dinosaur predator became extinct because its vile odor drove its prey away?
A: Tyrannosaurus Reeks.
* * *
When I tell people about my wife, I always let them know that she's a geologist. Even though that isn't strictly true... she's just really good at finding faults.
* * *
I'm so annoyed that California has banned plastic straws! Now I have to go back to choking sea turles by hand!
* * *
If you would find the true path to salvation, seek out a labyrinth made from drooping purple blooms. You see, the Lord works in wisteria's maze.
* * *
I'm thinking of sending my dog to law school. He already knows how to chase ambulances.
* * *
Music critic: "You claim to have the widest range of any living singer! Well, I attended the choral concert and didn't notice a single note come from your mouth! Didn't you tell me you sang solo?"
Singer: "That's right! So low that only whales can hear me!"
* * *
Talk about rotten Christmas holidays... I got three sweaters this year! I'd hoped for at least one moaner or screamer!
* * *
A YouTuber in Madrid may be the most dangerous man in Europe. He's the Spanish Influenza.
* * *
Santa plowed his sleigh into a helicopter on Christmas Eve. You should have seen the rain deer!
* * *
My wife informed us that we, her family, were her special gift this Christmas! We were all feeling pretty good about it until she tried to return us for a refund.
