Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
Could the romance be over? Since my girl's started taking Ozempic, I've begun seeing less and less of her.
The Fruit of the Loom Corporation no longer holds board meetings. Instead, they've instituted brief chats.
I shell out $300 for a course that's supposed to help me date women... the instructor spends the whole time painting flames on a Ford truck! This is the last time I seek advice from a pickup artist!
"I hear you took a trip to Jerusalem to see the Wailing Wall."
"Indeed I did! In retrospect, it was a waste of time for me to have brought along my harpoon."
When I was a kid, my mom would play that game all mom's play when they want their kids to eat: "Here comes the train! Here comes the train!" When I heard that, I knew that a mouthful of stew would follow. What I didn't know was exactly what sort of meat it would be; it all depended on what she'd tied to the tracks that day.
Thomas Edison is the most important figure in the history of inventing. Before him, nothing came on above a person's head when he had a clever idea.
My dad died while water skiing. He toppled over, but due to his death grip on the tow rope, the oblivious boat driver drug him around for twenty solid minutes. The resulting water abrasion sanded away his features; needless to say, his closed casket funeral was a solemn affair. On the other hand, nobody could claim that his wake wasn't a blast!
Are you familiar with the Mystery of the Music Studio? It was Sherlock Holmes' most baffling case.
I got into trouble last week for referring to my cousins as hipsters. I guess the proper term is really "conjoined twins".
An anthropologist seeks out a cannibal village to study, but is brought up short once he actually gets there.
"Sorry," states the village elder. "This are no longer any cannibals in this village."
"Are you sure?" queries the disappointed researcher.
"Positive," replies the elder. "We ate the one yesterday."
This morning, I stepped out of bed and ran around the block 5 times in my pajamas. After the pain died down, I took the stupid thing to my kid's bedroom and put it with the rest of his Legos.
Auto mechanic: "Sorry Mr. Johnson; we were unable to fix that rattle in your engine."
Mr. Johnson: "No? What am I supposed to do now?"
Auto mechanic: "Don't worry about it! We did manage to pump up the volume on your car stereo!"
Brunette: "We won't be using the car today. The battery's completely flat."
Blonde: "It always was! Whoever heard of a round car battery?"
I think it's safe to say that my Uncle George is way too fat. He was diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria infection today and the doctors have given him only 50 years to live.
The French Revolution was tough on everyone involved. By the time it was over, even King Louis the 16th was a basket case.
When I went off to college, I had to rent an attic apartment with ceilings only four feet high. I couldn't stand living there!
Q: Which profession should a mermaid take up: mathematics or fashion?
A: It doesn't matter. Either one will require the use of an algae bra.
Thor: "Galactus has invaded our solar system! He's already eaten Mars and and Jupiter!"
Iron Man: "Does he plan to eat Uranus?"
Thor: "He plans to eat everyone's anus!"
Psychiatric patient: "Doctor, I think the core of my trouble is that I've never really learned to like myself."
Psychiatrist: "Yes... I hear that a lot. It's a very common problem."
Patient: "Really?"
Psychiatrist: "Oh yes indeed. Most of my other patients don't like you either."
Have you made your plans for National Ballet Appreciation Day? Better hurry: it's 2/2.
When the Israelites came to the borders of Canaan, Moses was not permitted to enter with the rest; he was commanded to stand at the river bank while the others crossed over. There he stayed, watching thoughtfully as his people became more and more indistinct. Soon, they vanished from sight altogether; Canaan was, after all, the pro-mist land.
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. Let's face it... Heaven's gonna be a damn lonely place.
* * *
The Fruit of the Loom Corporation no longer holds board meetings. Instead, they've instituted brief chats.
* * *
I shell out $300 for a course that's supposed to help me date women... the instructor spends the whole time painting flames on a Ford truck! This is the last time I seek advice from a pickup artist!
* * *
"I hear you took a trip to Jerusalem to see the Wailing Wall."
"Indeed I did! In retrospect, it was a waste of time for me to have brought along my harpoon."
* * *
When I was a kid, my mom would play that game all mom's play when they want their kids to eat: "Here comes the train! Here comes the train!" When I heard that, I knew that a mouthful of stew would follow. What I didn't know was exactly what sort of meat it would be; it all depended on what she'd tied to the tracks that day.
* * *
Thomas Edison is the most important figure in the history of inventing. Before him, nothing came on above a person's head when he had a clever idea.
* * *
My dad died while water skiing. He toppled over, but due to his death grip on the tow rope, the oblivious boat driver drug him around for twenty solid minutes. The resulting water abrasion sanded away his features; needless to say, his closed casket funeral was a solemn affair. On the other hand, nobody could claim that his wake wasn't a blast!
* * *
Are you familiar with the Mystery of the Music Studio? It was Sherlock Holmes' most baffling case.
* * *
I got into trouble last week for referring to my cousins as hipsters. I guess the proper term is really "conjoined twins".
* * *
An anthropologist seeks out a cannibal village to study, but is brought up short once he actually gets there.
"Sorry," states the village elder. "This are no longer any cannibals in this village."
"Are you sure?" queries the disappointed researcher.
"Positive," replies the elder. "We ate the one yesterday."
* * *
This morning, I stepped out of bed and ran around the block 5 times in my pajamas. After the pain died down, I took the stupid thing to my kid's bedroom and put it with the rest of his Legos.
* * *
Auto mechanic: "Sorry Mr. Johnson; we were unable to fix that rattle in your engine."
Mr. Johnson: "No? What am I supposed to do now?"
Auto mechanic: "Don't worry about it! We did manage to pump up the volume on your car stereo!"
* * *
Brunette: "We won't be using the car today. The battery's completely flat."
Blonde: "It always was! Whoever heard of a round car battery?"
* * *
I think it's safe to say that my Uncle George is way too fat. He was diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria infection today and the doctors have given him only 50 years to live.
* * *
The French Revolution was tough on everyone involved. By the time it was over, even King Louis the 16th was a basket case.
* * *
When I went off to college, I had to rent an attic apartment with ceilings only four feet high. I couldn't stand living there!
* * *
Q: Which profession should a mermaid take up: mathematics or fashion?
A: It doesn't matter. Either one will require the use of an algae bra.
* * *
Thor: "Galactus has invaded our solar system! He's already eaten Mars and and Jupiter!"
Iron Man: "Does he plan to eat Uranus?"
Thor: "He plans to eat everyone's anus!"
* * *
Psychiatric patient: "Doctor, I think the core of my trouble is that I've never really learned to like myself."
Psychiatrist: "Yes... I hear that a lot. It's a very common problem."
Patient: "Really?"
Psychiatrist: "Oh yes indeed. Most of my other patients don't like you either."
* * *
Have you made your plans for National Ballet Appreciation Day? Better hurry: it's 2/2.
* * *
When the Israelites came to the borders of Canaan, Moses was not permitted to enter with the rest; he was commanded to stand at the river bank while the others crossed over. There he stayed, watching thoughtfully as his people became more and more indistinct. Soon, they vanished from sight altogether; Canaan was, after all, the pro-mist land.
* * *
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. Let's face it... Heaven's gonna be a damn lonely place.
