Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
I had to beat up an old man who was lounging on the corner next to a hatful of quarters. In my defense, he was just begging for it.
He: "Why buy a whole cow when you can get the milk for free?"
She: "Why buy a whole pig when all you get's a little sausage?"
The foreman on our jobsite is handsome, gregarious, intelligent, and a hard worker. Even so, no woman will be interested in marrying him until he fixes his premature ejaculation problem. It's his single shortcoming.
After having spent 40 years thrilling audiences, the Human Cannonball decided to retire. The circus owner was so grateful for his extensive service, he threw the man a testimonial dinner.
"You won't be easy to replace," the ringmaster praised, raising his glass. "It'll be some time before we find another man of your caliber!"
Critics say that sitcoms in the '60s had goofy premises, like the ones in "Gilligan's Island" or "Green Acres". That may be true, but those from the 2000s could be pretty wild too. Like this Charlie Sheen comedy I heard about where he's playing a male version of the Little Mermaid living under the sea with all his brothers... you know, the one called "Tuna Half-Men".
Much as he'd like to, Donald Trump can't take charge the Oval Office anymore. It's absolutely for Biden.
The lesbian couple next door asked me if I'd help them conceive a baby. I did my best, answering, "Well, it's pretty much like an adult, only bald and much, much smaller... "
Q: Why did Jesus have to feed the multitudes with five loaves and two fishes?
A: He'd originally baked more bread, but it took three days to rise.
Q: Why did Jesus think that feeding bread to the multitudes would make him popular?
A: Because the Son ascends from the yeast.
Uni-sex clothing really bugs me. Last week I saw a man and a woman walking down the street wearing the exact same outfit and I wasn't shy about telling them how stupid they looked! That was the day I found out the police have no sense of fashion or humor.
"So, how did your Las Vegas trip go?"
"Let me put it this way... the vehicle that took me down there was worth 20 thousand bucks. The one that brought me back cost 250 thousand!"
"Wow! 250 thousand dollars!"
"Yeah! Those Greyhound buses are surprisingly expensive."
I went fishing for flounder last week and had the most frustrating time! I'd hooked one and started to reel it in, when a shark came along and bit the blamed thing in half! On my second try, a moray eel got ahold of my catch and ate up everything but its tail. This went on all afternoon; finally in frustration, I chucked my pole overboard. It sailed straight to the bottom like an anchor and clobbered the very fish I was after, which floated placidly up to the surface for me to haul onboard! It was a complete fluke!
She: "Fool! You've been sitting in the kitchen for six hours, guzzling whisky! You can't keep drinking like this!"
He: "I suppose you're right. I'll take the bottle and stretch out on the sofa for awhile."
All my friends say I'm funnier when I'm drunk. Guess I've got a rye sense of humor.
Der Führer: "I must have an accurate weather report before the big offensive! Can I expect sunny skies, high winds or rain?"
Meteorologist: "Hail, Hitler!"
My doctor told me I needed to give up cigarettes. He also warned me against substituting chewing tobacco. Well, I can take a hint... snuff said.
She: "Why would I want to watch that dumb 'Avengers Endgame' movie now! You already told me that Ant-Man kills the villain in the first 15 minutes!"
He: "Well, you've got that wrong for a start! Ant-Man does not kill Thanos!"
She: "Oh really? You distinctly said the guy had a huge thorax!"
"Ever hear a good joke about chiropractors?"
"Yeah. It was about a week back."
He: "I may be 60, but I have the body of an 20 year old!"
She: "You're gonna have to prove that to me, big boy!"
He: "Sure thing! Step over here to the freezer..."
We're currently going through a ferocious thunder storm and my 6 year old has spent the past two hours just gazing through our big picture window. Two hours of this is way too much... it's starting to turn into an unhealthy obsession. Any more of it, and I'll have to let him back inside.
If you want to lose weight, bake your bread in the shape of a sombrero. A loaf hat diet is supposed to work wonders!
A man arrives at a business complex for a vitally critical job interview, one that will change the whole course of his life, but he can't seem to find a parking spot for his car. Time is running short, so he clasps his hands together and gazes heavenward.
"Lord," he prays, "I'm desperate! If I don't find a parking spot soon, I'll miss the most important meeting of my life! Help me out and I swear I'll donate half my earnings to the poor forever afterward!"
He rounds a corner in the lot and low and behold! A big, beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance is there in front of him!
Rapturously, he looks skyward once more.
"Never mind, Lord! There's one now!"
* * *
He: "Why buy a whole cow when you can get the milk for free?"
She: "Why buy a whole pig when all you get's a little sausage?"
* * *
The foreman on our jobsite is handsome, gregarious, intelligent, and a hard worker. Even so, no woman will be interested in marrying him until he fixes his premature ejaculation problem. It's his single shortcoming.
* * *
After having spent 40 years thrilling audiences, the Human Cannonball decided to retire. The circus owner was so grateful for his extensive service, he threw the man a testimonial dinner.
"You won't be easy to replace," the ringmaster praised, raising his glass. "It'll be some time before we find another man of your caliber!"
* * *
Critics say that sitcoms in the '60s had goofy premises, like the ones in "Gilligan's Island" or "Green Acres". That may be true, but those from the 2000s could be pretty wild too. Like this Charlie Sheen comedy I heard about where he's playing a male version of the Little Mermaid living under the sea with all his brothers... you know, the one called "Tuna Half-Men".
* * *
Much as he'd like to, Donald Trump can't take charge the Oval Office anymore. It's absolutely for Biden.
* * *
The lesbian couple next door asked me if I'd help them conceive a baby. I did my best, answering, "Well, it's pretty much like an adult, only bald and much, much smaller... "
* * *
Q: Why did Jesus have to feed the multitudes with five loaves and two fishes?
A: He'd originally baked more bread, but it took three days to rise.
* * *
Q: Why did Jesus think that feeding bread to the multitudes would make him popular?
A: Because the Son ascends from the yeast.
* * *
Uni-sex clothing really bugs me. Last week I saw a man and a woman walking down the street wearing the exact same outfit and I wasn't shy about telling them how stupid they looked! That was the day I found out the police have no sense of fashion or humor.
* * *
"So, how did your Las Vegas trip go?"
"Let me put it this way... the vehicle that took me down there was worth 20 thousand bucks. The one that brought me back cost 250 thousand!"
"Wow! 250 thousand dollars!"
"Yeah! Those Greyhound buses are surprisingly expensive."
* * *
I went fishing for flounder last week and had the most frustrating time! I'd hooked one and started to reel it in, when a shark came along and bit the blamed thing in half! On my second try, a moray eel got ahold of my catch and ate up everything but its tail. This went on all afternoon; finally in frustration, I chucked my pole overboard. It sailed straight to the bottom like an anchor and clobbered the very fish I was after, which floated placidly up to the surface for me to haul onboard! It was a complete fluke!
* * *
She: "Fool! You've been sitting in the kitchen for six hours, guzzling whisky! You can't keep drinking like this!"
He: "I suppose you're right. I'll take the bottle and stretch out on the sofa for awhile."
* * *
All my friends say I'm funnier when I'm drunk. Guess I've got a rye sense of humor.
* * *
Der Führer: "I must have an accurate weather report before the big offensive! Can I expect sunny skies, high winds or rain?"
Meteorologist: "Hail, Hitler!"
* * *
My doctor told me I needed to give up cigarettes. He also warned me against substituting chewing tobacco. Well, I can take a hint... snuff said.
* * *
She: "Why would I want to watch that dumb 'Avengers Endgame' movie now! You already told me that Ant-Man kills the villain in the first 15 minutes!"
He: "Well, you've got that wrong for a start! Ant-Man does not kill Thanos!"
She: "Oh really? You distinctly said the guy had a huge thorax!"
* * *
"Ever hear a good joke about chiropractors?"
"Yeah. It was about a week back."
* * *
He: "I may be 60, but I have the body of an 20 year old!"
She: "You're gonna have to prove that to me, big boy!"
He: "Sure thing! Step over here to the freezer..."
* * *
We're currently going through a ferocious thunder storm and my 6 year old has spent the past two hours just gazing through our big picture window. Two hours of this is way too much... it's starting to turn into an unhealthy obsession. Any more of it, and I'll have to let him back inside.
* * *
If you want to lose weight, bake your bread in the shape of a sombrero. A loaf hat diet is supposed to work wonders!
* * *
A man arrives at a business complex for a vitally critical job interview, one that will change the whole course of his life, but he can't seem to find a parking spot for his car. Time is running short, so he clasps his hands together and gazes heavenward.
"Lord," he prays, "I'm desperate! If I don't find a parking spot soon, I'll miss the most important meeting of my life! Help me out and I swear I'll donate half my earnings to the poor forever afterward!"
He rounds a corner in the lot and low and behold! A big, beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance is there in front of him!
Rapturously, he looks skyward once more.
"Never mind, Lord! There's one now!"
