Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
Incoming: on April 11th, 2024, Orenthal James Simpson died from prostate cancer. In a related story, the cancer has been found Not Guilty.
The court ordered me and my brother to take blood tests. And I did great! Got an A! A lot better than my brother. He scored 0.
Prices are so high now, it's hardly worth it to buy Head and Shoulders shampoo. It'll cost you an arm and a leg.
My folks always said I'd make a terrible father. Well, the laugh's on them! The IRS says my child support is outstanding!
Genealogy and gynecology are two completely unrelated fields. If you care to make money at either, you better decide if your interest centers on what's inside a client's genes or what's inside a client's jeans.
I just tried a Captain Sully cocktail. It's a rather simple recipe: one shot of Grey Goose and a splash of water.
Your boss is always gonna be a dickhead, and here's why: he's the smartest member on the team.
My daughter must have been really annoyed when I insisted that she take up the piano like her brother. She woke up and chose violins.
Brunette: "I'm getting sick to death of checkers! How would you feel about dominos for a change?"
Blonde: "I can never remember... are they the ones who do stuffed crust?"
You know the restaurant server who comes to your table offering fresh-ground pepper for your meals? That's what I did over the holidays. It's seasonal work.
Hear about the mushroom who wanted to attend a fungal convention? He just couldn't find a room... the experience turned him to mush.
Despite what you might hear, condoms don't guarantee safe sex. Take my buddy, for instance... he was wearing one when he was shot to death by his girlfriend's husband.
In Hollywood, everything is different. Take blacksmiths, for example... in most places, blacksmiths pound iron. In Hollywood, they slap rocks.
My trip to the movie theater got me wondering... how come there's pop-corn but no mom-corn? I'm starting to think that Orville Redenbacker was a maizeogynist!
Have you noticed that there are Pop Tarts but no Mom Tarts? Doubtless the whole line is part of a powerful pastryarchy.
They warned me not to stare straight at the eclipse, but I don't take orders from anybody! Besides, I couldn't see what everyone was so excited about.
Brunette: "Thank God this eclipse nonsense is finally over!"
Blonde: "You said it! Now I can go back to staring directly at the sun!"
I had an online relationship with a gal I met on Twitter. I called her my Twitter pal. But nothing lasts forever... she's now my X pal.
There's been some speculation that OJ's body will be delivered to the cemetery by a white Bronco. However, John Elway has already stated that he doesn't want the job.
After three decades I've finally withdrawn the last dollar from my retirement savings account. It's the end of an IRA.
Brunette: "If you don't pass this physics exam, you may fail the course! So, let's test your knowledge. What does the Archimedes Principle say about bodies immersed in water?"
Blonde: "Oh, I know this one! As soon as your body is completely immersed in water, the phone rings!"
I first heard about OJ Simpson's death from William Perry. That's a perfectly reliable source... one should always consult the Fridge to find out if the Juice has expired.
* * *
The court ordered me and my brother to take blood tests. And I did great! Got an A! A lot better than my brother. He scored 0.
* * *
Prices are so high now, it's hardly worth it to buy Head and Shoulders shampoo. It'll cost you an arm and a leg.
* * *
My folks always said I'd make a terrible father. Well, the laugh's on them! The IRS says my child support is outstanding!
* * *
Genealogy and gynecology are two completely unrelated fields. If you care to make money at either, you better decide if your interest centers on what's inside a client's genes or what's inside a client's jeans.
* * *
I just tried a Captain Sully cocktail. It's a rather simple recipe: one shot of Grey Goose and a splash of water.
* * *
Your boss is always gonna be a dickhead, and here's why: he's the smartest member on the team.
* * *
My daughter must have been really annoyed when I insisted that she take up the piano like her brother. She woke up and chose violins.
* * *
Brunette: "I'm getting sick to death of checkers! How would you feel about dominos for a change?"
Blonde: "I can never remember... are they the ones who do stuffed crust?"
* * *
You know the restaurant server who comes to your table offering fresh-ground pepper for your meals? That's what I did over the holidays. It's seasonal work.
* * *
Hear about the mushroom who wanted to attend a fungal convention? He just couldn't find a room... the experience turned him to mush.
* * *
Despite what you might hear, condoms don't guarantee safe sex. Take my buddy, for instance... he was wearing one when he was shot to death by his girlfriend's husband.
* * *
In Hollywood, everything is different. Take blacksmiths, for example... in most places, blacksmiths pound iron. In Hollywood, they slap rocks.
* * *
My trip to the movie theater got me wondering... how come there's pop-corn but no mom-corn? I'm starting to think that Orville Redenbacker was a maizeogynist!
* * *
Have you noticed that there are Pop Tarts but no Mom Tarts? Doubtless the whole line is part of a powerful pastryarchy.
* * *
They warned me not to stare straight at the eclipse, but I don't take orders from anybody! Besides, I couldn't see what everyone was so excited about.
* * *
Brunette: "Thank God this eclipse nonsense is finally over!"
Blonde: "You said it! Now I can go back to staring directly at the sun!"
* * *
I had an online relationship with a gal I met on Twitter. I called her my Twitter pal. But nothing lasts forever... she's now my X pal.
* * *
There's been some speculation that OJ's body will be delivered to the cemetery by a white Bronco. However, John Elway has already stated that he doesn't want the job.
* * *
After three decades I've finally withdrawn the last dollar from my retirement savings account. It's the end of an IRA.
* * *
Brunette: "If you don't pass this physics exam, you may fail the course! So, let's test your knowledge. What does the Archimedes Principle say about bodies immersed in water?"
Blonde: "Oh, I know this one! As soon as your body is completely immersed in water, the phone rings!"
* * *
I first heard about OJ Simpson's death from William Perry. That's a perfectly reliable source... one should always consult the Fridge to find out if the Juice has expired.
