Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
It's a good thing Jesus was a guy. If he'd been female, his nieces and nephews would have called him Auntie Christ.
I'd like to make spaghetti for dinner, but my budget's limited and the noodles are just too expensive. I consulted with my blond girlfriend for advice and she suggested using penne pasta.
There's a subtle difference between a surgeon and a therapist. A therapist helps people open up; a surgeon takes care of that by himself.
My financial consultant told me I needed to stop spending so much money. It was sound advice; I fired him right there and then.
Wooing is a practice that few men have mastered. Casanova is a good example of someone who did. So is Rick Flair.
Our local bartender put up a big sign stating "Don't Take Glasses Into the Restroom". Okay, I followed the rules; that big puddle in front of the urinal is his own falt.
He: "Check me out, babe! I've been well endowed by my creator!"
She: "So... that beer gut's a matter of divine intervention?"
I've had my mental problems, but lately things have improved. I still see imaginary monsters, but the voices in my head assure my they aren't real.
Wanna learn how to play the guitar beautifully? Stay tuned!
I'm new to ham radio and so was a bit flummoxed when a friend asked me what my wavelength is. I found out soon enough though when I raised my hand to bid him goodbye... turns out its about a foot and a half.
Dentist: "This may hurt a bit. Are you ready?"
Patient: "Yes, I'm ready."
Dentist: "I've been sleeping with your wife."
My doctor had bad news for me: he told me I have an enlarged heart. Damn it, that's what I get for learning the true meaning of Christmas!
To most men, a broken rubber is worrying. To the Michelin Man, it's catastrophic.
Clark Kent comes over to Lois Lane's house with a splitting headache. He takes off his glasses and lays them on her kitchen table so he can massage his temple.
Lois glances over and starts.
"Hey, is that my table? All of a sudden I don't recognize it!"
Uber driver: "Mind if I put on some music?"
Rider: "Okay by me."
Driver: "KISS?"
Rider: "Well, let's hear the music first and see if it sets the right mood."
My wife wants me to adopt a more vigorous exercise routine, something that includes squats and lunges. Man, I don't know... squatting's tough enough, but lunging? That's a big step to take!
Q: How did M.C. Escher die?
A: He fell up a flight of stairs.
I promised to drive René Descartes to the airport, but had no clear idea if he was coming to meet me or if I should pick him up at his place. I also didn't know what time he wanted to leave. When I called him to check, he answered nonchalantly, "I think there, 4 AM."
Biden vows to be the greenest president yet, but he'll never be as green as the Bushes.
A classical music aficionado is humming a selection from Hayden's Emperor string quartet when a neo-Nazi strolls by. Being musically limited, he recognizes the tune only as the national anthem of Hitler's Germany.
"Great tune, brother!" the skinhead winks, flashing a covert open-palmed heil. "I'm hip!"
The snob, ruffled, replies, "Are you referring to the adagio I was just humming? Young man, I'll have you know that the composer is Haydn!"
"Smart move!" grins the neo-Nazi. "We'll let you know when its safe for him to come out!"
I'm so relieved! My test results came back negative! It was an important test, too; everyone's concerned about their IQ.
Two golfers are changing in the clubhouse when one of them notices that the other has a bra on underneath his shirt.
"Jesus, Sam!" the first bellows in surprise. "How long have you been wearing that damn thing?"
Sam sighs.
"Ever since my wife found it in our car's glove compartment."
* * *
I'd like to make spaghetti for dinner, but my budget's limited and the noodles are just too expensive. I consulted with my blond girlfriend for advice and she suggested using penne pasta.
* * *
There's a subtle difference between a surgeon and a therapist. A therapist helps people open up; a surgeon takes care of that by himself.
* * *
My financial consultant told me I needed to stop spending so much money. It was sound advice; I fired him right there and then.
* * *
Wooing is a practice that few men have mastered. Casanova is a good example of someone who did. So is Rick Flair.
* * *
Our local bartender put up a big sign stating "Don't Take Glasses Into the Restroom". Okay, I followed the rules; that big puddle in front of the urinal is his own falt.
* * *
He: "Check me out, babe! I've been well endowed by my creator!"
She: "So... that beer gut's a matter of divine intervention?"
* * *
I've had my mental problems, but lately things have improved. I still see imaginary monsters, but the voices in my head assure my they aren't real.
* * *
Wanna learn how to play the guitar beautifully? Stay tuned!
* * *
I'm new to ham radio and so was a bit flummoxed when a friend asked me what my wavelength is. I found out soon enough though when I raised my hand to bid him goodbye... turns out its about a foot and a half.
* * *
Dentist: "This may hurt a bit. Are you ready?"
Patient: "Yes, I'm ready."
Dentist: "I've been sleeping with your wife."
* * *
My doctor had bad news for me: he told me I have an enlarged heart. Damn it, that's what I get for learning the true meaning of Christmas!
* * *
To most men, a broken rubber is worrying. To the Michelin Man, it's catastrophic.
* * *
Clark Kent comes over to Lois Lane's house with a splitting headache. He takes off his glasses and lays them on her kitchen table so he can massage his temple.
Lois glances over and starts.
"Hey, is that my table? All of a sudden I don't recognize it!"
* * *
Uber driver: "Mind if I put on some music?"
Rider: "Okay by me."
Driver: "KISS?"
Rider: "Well, let's hear the music first and see if it sets the right mood."
* * *
My wife wants me to adopt a more vigorous exercise routine, something that includes squats and lunges. Man, I don't know... squatting's tough enough, but lunging? That's a big step to take!
* * *
Q: How did M.C. Escher die?
A: He fell up a flight of stairs.
* * *
I promised to drive René Descartes to the airport, but had no clear idea if he was coming to meet me or if I should pick him up at his place. I also didn't know what time he wanted to leave. When I called him to check, he answered nonchalantly, "I think there, 4 AM."
* * *
Biden vows to be the greenest president yet, but he'll never be as green as the Bushes.
* * *
A classical music aficionado is humming a selection from Hayden's Emperor string quartet when a neo-Nazi strolls by. Being musically limited, he recognizes the tune only as the national anthem of Hitler's Germany.
"Great tune, brother!" the skinhead winks, flashing a covert open-palmed heil. "I'm hip!"
The snob, ruffled, replies, "Are you referring to the adagio I was just humming? Young man, I'll have you know that the composer is Haydn!"
"Smart move!" grins the neo-Nazi. "We'll let you know when its safe for him to come out!"
* * *
I'm so relieved! My test results came back negative! It was an important test, too; everyone's concerned about their IQ.
* * *
Two golfers are changing in the clubhouse when one of them notices that the other has a bra on underneath his shirt.
"Jesus, Sam!" the first bellows in surprise. "How long have you been wearing that damn thing?"
Sam sighs.
"Ever since my wife found it in our car's glove compartment."
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