Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
COVID closures have been over for at least a year, but my brother still insists he wants to work from home. I told him he can't work from home... he's a cardiac surgeon. He replied that of course he can work from home... home is where the heart is.
"Hey, pal, do you have any idea where I can buy a toupee in this town?"
"Not off the top of my head."
"Take it easy, I never said I wanted yours!"
I was in the living room watching TV, when I suddenly heard a dull thud from the kitchen where my wife was fixing breakfast. When I finally got in there to investigate, I found that the missus had collapsed on the linoleum and was barely breathing. I was in a panic, obviously, having no idea what to do. Then it came to me: Denny's serves breakfast all day long!
If you find yourself in Berlin, be careful who you joke about. To the Germans, humor is no laughing matter.
My boss called frantically to find out why I hadn't showed up for work. I informed him that I was in southern England, as instructed.
"England?" he roared. "I never told you to go to England!"
"You most certainly did!" I replied hotly. "Did you or did you not tell me yesterday that you wanted me in Brighton early this morning!"
"Doctor, this patient is urinating bright green liquid! Have you ever heard of this symptom before?"
"Yes, nurse. Prep the patient for treatment of Lyme Disease."
I just got back form an AA meeting. Their advice this week: avoid stress, sentiments with which I wholeheartedly agree. I always try to avoid stress: too tense, and I'll have a fifth.
Don't piss off anyone with dyslexia! For them, urination is ruination!
"Well lad, how did you like your first day as a chimney sweep?"
"Soots me, sir."
Rumor has it that literary scholars have discovered a manuscript purported to be Carlo Collodi's true story of Pinocchio. In it, the puppet's nose grows only when he refuses to tell a lie! If true, it's huge!
A pun enters a comedy club and shoots down ten knock-knock jokes. Headline the next morning: "Pun in, ten dead." The pun goes on the run and hides out in the woods. But not far enough: Sheriff Yo Mama and a posse track him down and surround him. Headline the next morning: "Pun in tent, dead."
History tells us that Louis XVI marched with calm dignity to the guillotine. That may be true, but afterward he was quite beside himself.
When my dad played softball, he was left field. When my brother played softball, he was left field. When my uncle played softball, he was left field. This monotonous trend was becoming a family joke, so when I tried out for softball I was determined not to be left field. And I succeeded: I was left out.
The hero Siegfried crafted his own sword by melting magic metal ore, then used that very weapon to slay the fearsome dragon Fafnir. While examining the monster's wound, an onlooker was heard to remark, "So it's true! He who smelt it, dealt it!"
Some anonymous pervert had been scrawling pornographic graffiti all over the buildings in our town and the police chief took every measure to expose him. He needn't have bothered... the creep soon exposed himself.
During his travels to Lilliput, Gulliver met the island's king, a grown man only 12 inches tall! He was the finest ruler in the land!
My girlfriend said she wanted to try condoms with something special attached to enhance her pleasure. Little did I understand that the "something special" was other guys' dicks.
Most of the boxers who faced Mike Tyson lasted only a couple of seconds. Sound more like briefs to me.
During my boxing career, I was known as the Rembrandt of the Ring! Yeah, I spent that much time on the canvas.
My father died because his body ran completely out of magnesium! 0mg!
David Hasselhoff generally just goes by The Hoff. It's much less hassle.
She: "You told me you were gonna fix that kitchen sink! You've been in your den for an hour now!"
He: "I know. I'm watching an instructional video to show me how. The guy onscreen was called to a neighbor's house to fix the same exact problem."
She: "And he hasn't gotten to it yet? When exactly does he plan to do the job?"
He: "Right after he's through banging this big busty blonde, I guess."
* * *
"Hey, pal, do you have any idea where I can buy a toupee in this town?"
"Not off the top of my head."
"Take it easy, I never said I wanted yours!"
* * *
I was in the living room watching TV, when I suddenly heard a dull thud from the kitchen where my wife was fixing breakfast. When I finally got in there to investigate, I found that the missus had collapsed on the linoleum and was barely breathing. I was in a panic, obviously, having no idea what to do. Then it came to me: Denny's serves breakfast all day long!
* * *
If you find yourself in Berlin, be careful who you joke about. To the Germans, humor is no laughing matter.
* * *
My boss called frantically to find out why I hadn't showed up for work. I informed him that I was in southern England, as instructed.
"England?" he roared. "I never told you to go to England!"
"You most certainly did!" I replied hotly. "Did you or did you not tell me yesterday that you wanted me in Brighton early this morning!"
* * *
"Doctor, this patient is urinating bright green liquid! Have you ever heard of this symptom before?"
"Yes, nurse. Prep the patient for treatment of Lyme Disease."
* * *
I just got back form an AA meeting. Their advice this week: avoid stress, sentiments with which I wholeheartedly agree. I always try to avoid stress: too tense, and I'll have a fifth.
* * *
Don't piss off anyone with dyslexia! For them, urination is ruination!
* * *
"Well lad, how did you like your first day as a chimney sweep?"
"Soots me, sir."
* * *
Rumor has it that literary scholars have discovered a manuscript purported to be Carlo Collodi's true story of Pinocchio. In it, the puppet's nose grows only when he refuses to tell a lie! If true, it's huge!
* * *
A pun enters a comedy club and shoots down ten knock-knock jokes. Headline the next morning: "Pun in, ten dead." The pun goes on the run and hides out in the woods. But not far enough: Sheriff Yo Mama and a posse track him down and surround him. Headline the next morning: "Pun in tent, dead."
* * *
History tells us that Louis XVI marched with calm dignity to the guillotine. That may be true, but afterward he was quite beside himself.
* * *
When my dad played softball, he was left field. When my brother played softball, he was left field. When my uncle played softball, he was left field. This monotonous trend was becoming a family joke, so when I tried out for softball I was determined not to be left field. And I succeeded: I was left out.
* * *
The hero Siegfried crafted his own sword by melting magic metal ore, then used that very weapon to slay the fearsome dragon Fafnir. While examining the monster's wound, an onlooker was heard to remark, "So it's true! He who smelt it, dealt it!"
* * *
Some anonymous pervert had been scrawling pornographic graffiti all over the buildings in our town and the police chief took every measure to expose him. He needn't have bothered... the creep soon exposed himself.
* * *
During his travels to Lilliput, Gulliver met the island's king, a grown man only 12 inches tall! He was the finest ruler in the land!
* * *
My girlfriend said she wanted to try condoms with something special attached to enhance her pleasure. Little did I understand that the "something special" was other guys' dicks.
* * *
Most of the boxers who faced Mike Tyson lasted only a couple of seconds. Sound more like briefs to me.
* * *
During my boxing career, I was known as the Rembrandt of the Ring! Yeah, I spent that much time on the canvas.
* * *
My father died because his body ran completely out of magnesium! 0mg!
* * *
David Hasselhoff generally just goes by The Hoff. It's much less hassle.
* * *
She: "You told me you were gonna fix that kitchen sink! You've been in your den for an hour now!"
He: "I know. I'm watching an instructional video to show me how. The guy onscreen was called to a neighbor's house to fix the same exact problem."
She: "And he hasn't gotten to it yet? When exactly does he plan to do the job?"
He: "Right after he's through banging this big busty blonde, I guess."
