Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
Pirate chieftain Blackbeard was a mediocre elementary school student. But he wasn't concerned... for him, seven C's were more than enough.
"Push harder, god dammit!" I shouted at my pregnant wife as she moaned in labor. That may seem harsh, but it wasn't my fault the car ran out of gas on the way to the hospital.
After the old hermit's murder spree, authorities broke into his cabin to find a fantastical wooden totem adorned with antlers.
"Dear God!" one of the detectives gasped.
"Yep," replied his partner. "That's what it looks like to me too."
We had lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory today. It wasn't bad, but I really wish they'd made up a fresh batch.
Suicide bombers are all presumed to be religious extremists, but I contend that they're actually atheists. Why else would they be so obsessed with the big bang?
I'd like to look at life through the eyes of a child, but it isn't very easy. So far, I haven't found a surgeon willing to do the operation.
Birthday parties really are good for your health! Statistics show that people who have more of them really do live longer!
Jesus must have been a health nut. Everybody says he was king of the juice.
Kraft is opening up a big distribution center in northern Israel. The operation will be known as "Cheeses of Nazareth".
If your deaf girlfriend tells you, "We need to talk", beware. That's not a good sign.
I couldn't bathe last night... there was a spider in my shower. I don't mind going dirty so much, but I hate having to break out the tiny little guest towels.
"A stranger outside just offered me a Cocker Spaniel. What do you think I should do?"
"For heaven's sake, take the spaniel!"
Remember guys, it takes two to make an unhappy marriage... both your wife and her mother.
"I just bought an assault rifle to ward off giant vultures."
"Assault rifle?! Don't you think you're getting carried away?"
"Not without a fight I'm not!"
My cousin's such a huge Star Wars fan, he gets a new character-related tattoo as soon as each new movie is released. After "The Last Jedi", you should have seen the Luke on his face.
Prostitution is still illegal in almost all US states. When it comes to screwing you, the government doesn't want any competition.
Fly #1: "I'm becoming more popular than ever!"
Fly #2: "What makes you think so?"
Fly #1: "I was buzzing around the hot dog stand yesterday and you should have heard the applause!"
Meat plant workers were assaulted by a gang of gun-toting animal activists wearing rubber sheep masks. Fortunately, they were only grazed.
As part of his alcohol rehabilitation, I gave my brother a job at my ladder factory. One step at a time, bro.
"Look ma, one hand!
Look ma, no hands!
Look ma, no teeth!"
I'm chagrined to say that I was into human trafficking for years. Happily, I work at home now and don't have to carpool anymore.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to promise a brighter future and a dozen more to screw it up.
* * *
"Push harder, god dammit!" I shouted at my pregnant wife as she moaned in labor. That may seem harsh, but it wasn't my fault the car ran out of gas on the way to the hospital.
* * *
After the old hermit's murder spree, authorities broke into his cabin to find a fantastical wooden totem adorned with antlers.
"Dear God!" one of the detectives gasped.
"Yep," replied his partner. "That's what it looks like to me too."
* * *
We had lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory today. It wasn't bad, but I really wish they'd made up a fresh batch.
* * *
Suicide bombers are all presumed to be religious extremists, but I contend that they're actually atheists. Why else would they be so obsessed with the big bang?
* * *
I'd like to look at life through the eyes of a child, but it isn't very easy. So far, I haven't found a surgeon willing to do the operation.
* * *
Birthday parties really are good for your health! Statistics show that people who have more of them really do live longer!
* * *
Jesus must have been a health nut. Everybody says he was king of the juice.
* * *
Kraft is opening up a big distribution center in northern Israel. The operation will be known as "Cheeses of Nazareth".
* * *
If your deaf girlfriend tells you, "We need to talk", beware. That's not a good sign.
* * *
I couldn't bathe last night... there was a spider in my shower. I don't mind going dirty so much, but I hate having to break out the tiny little guest towels.
* * *
"A stranger outside just offered me a Cocker Spaniel. What do you think I should do?"
"For heaven's sake, take the spaniel!"
* * *
Remember guys, it takes two to make an unhappy marriage... both your wife and her mother.
* * *
"I just bought an assault rifle to ward off giant vultures."
"Assault rifle?! Don't you think you're getting carried away?"
"Not without a fight I'm not!"
* * *
My cousin's such a huge Star Wars fan, he gets a new character-related tattoo as soon as each new movie is released. After "The Last Jedi", you should have seen the Luke on his face.
* * *
Prostitution is still illegal in almost all US states. When it comes to screwing you, the government doesn't want any competition.
* * *
Fly #1: "I'm becoming more popular than ever!"
Fly #2: "What makes you think so?"
Fly #1: "I was buzzing around the hot dog stand yesterday and you should have heard the applause!"
* * *
Meat plant workers were assaulted by a gang of gun-toting animal activists wearing rubber sheep masks. Fortunately, they were only grazed.
* * *
As part of his alcohol rehabilitation, I gave my brother a job at my ladder factory. One step at a time, bro.
* * *
"Look ma, one hand!
Look ma, no hands!
Look ma, no teeth!"
* * *
I'm chagrined to say that I was into human trafficking for years. Happily, I work at home now and don't have to carpool anymore.
* * *
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to promise a brighter future and a dozen more to screw it up.
