Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,921
- Points
- 38
I'll never forget the fun winters months my brothers and me spent on our farm! From the time I was five till I turned about twelve, my dad would always roll us kids down snowy hills inside of old car tires. Yes, they were good years!
No wonder those tennis shoes have tongues... on the outside, they say Converse.
I'm tired of listening to the janitorial staff gripe about how hard it is to do their job. They insist on making sweeping generalizations.
Tear ducts are always damp. That's because they moist your eyes.
My friends are all bummed out because I neglected to open my date's car door for her. I know it's proper protocol, but I think I had a valid excuse: that river water was damn cold!
Passenger: "Tell me, how often do planes crash at this airport?"
Pilot: "Usually only the one time."
My auntie asked again if I was sure I could make a fancy Italian dessert for her dinner party.
"You bet!" I reassured her. "It'll be a pizza cake!"
The first time a slug saw a snail, he went a little crazy. Witnesses say it was shell shock.
I recently entered a contest for Biggest Shlong and Balls in the Nation. Needless to say, the competition didn't stand a chance! I wiped the floor with 'em!
In the army, it's the drill sergeant's job to make sure the soldiers always march in perfect unison. He's also known as a gait-keeper.
Our high school was tough! How tough? The yearbook pictures always had one photo from the front and one from the side.
Missionaries have discovered a sect of island savages who pray to a huge statue of male genitals. They consider this practice sack religious.
My dentist says he sees cavities he plans to fill... I know now why he wanted me to face the wall instead of sit in the chair.
I you ever travel back in time to view dinosaurs, make sure to take all your shots. Otherwise, you'll get Jurassic.
There's a sexually transmitted condition with a death rate of 100%. Heard about it? It's called Life.
No one liked my miserly uncle. It's been ten years since he died; our family all got together to celebrate the passed decayed.
Q: Wendy was super embarrassed to find lost shadows. How come?
A: Too near Peter Pan's.
Q: How do you know for sure you've got a power vacuum?
A: They don't pick hairs.
Ted Bundy: "Hey Jeff, got any juice bars in the freezer?"
Jeffrey Dahmer: "Nope. Only Ben and Jerry."
During the Battle of Asgard, Thor's brother escaped the battlefield by using his Three Amulets of Good Fortune. The Thunder God pursued so as to deprive him of these powerful talismans, but the God of Mischief was confident. As he departed, he was heard to cackle, "You'll never get me Loki charms!"
Patient: "I come to you with an irregular heartbeat and all you do is call me a liar!"
Doctor: "Sir, I said no such thing. As I already told you, that's AFib."
My brother was arrested for being a pick-pocket; when caught, he was folding a small fortune in stolen watches. Mom thinks he's a bad seed, but I'm convinced he just had too much time on his hands.
* * *
No wonder those tennis shoes have tongues... on the outside, they say Converse.
* * *
I'm tired of listening to the janitorial staff gripe about how hard it is to do their job. They insist on making sweeping generalizations.
* * *
Tear ducts are always damp. That's because they moist your eyes.
* * *
My friends are all bummed out because I neglected to open my date's car door for her. I know it's proper protocol, but I think I had a valid excuse: that river water was damn cold!
* * *
Passenger: "Tell me, how often do planes crash at this airport?"
Pilot: "Usually only the one time."
* * *
My auntie asked again if I was sure I could make a fancy Italian dessert for her dinner party.
"You bet!" I reassured her. "It'll be a pizza cake!"
* * *
The first time a slug saw a snail, he went a little crazy. Witnesses say it was shell shock.
* * *
I recently entered a contest for Biggest Shlong and Balls in the Nation. Needless to say, the competition didn't stand a chance! I wiped the floor with 'em!
* * *
In the army, it's the drill sergeant's job to make sure the soldiers always march in perfect unison. He's also known as a gait-keeper.
* * *
Our high school was tough! How tough? The yearbook pictures always had one photo from the front and one from the side.
* * *
Missionaries have discovered a sect of island savages who pray to a huge statue of male genitals. They consider this practice sack religious.
* * *
My dentist says he sees cavities he plans to fill... I know now why he wanted me to face the wall instead of sit in the chair.
* * *
I you ever travel back in time to view dinosaurs, make sure to take all your shots. Otherwise, you'll get Jurassic.
* * *
There's a sexually transmitted condition with a death rate of 100%. Heard about it? It's called Life.
* * *
No one liked my miserly uncle. It's been ten years since he died; our family all got together to celebrate the passed decayed.
* * *
Q: Wendy was super embarrassed to find lost shadows. How come?
A: Too near Peter Pan's.
* * *
Q: How do you know for sure you've got a power vacuum?
A: They don't pick hairs.
* * *
Ted Bundy: "Hey Jeff, got any juice bars in the freezer?"
Jeffrey Dahmer: "Nope. Only Ben and Jerry."
* * *
During the Battle of Asgard, Thor's brother escaped the battlefield by using his Three Amulets of Good Fortune. The Thunder God pursued so as to deprive him of these powerful talismans, but the God of Mischief was confident. As he departed, he was heard to cackle, "You'll never get me Loki charms!"
* * *
Patient: "I come to you with an irregular heartbeat and all you do is call me a liar!"
Doctor: "Sir, I said no such thing. As I already told you, that's AFib."
* * *
My brother was arrested for being a pick-pocket; when caught, he was folding a small fortune in stolen watches. Mom thinks he's a bad seed, but I'm convinced he just had too much time on his hands.
