Sexually harassing private messages

[TMF Jeff]

Every once in a while, it's worth revisiting this topic. And yesterday I got a report about someone messaging a random stranger with a sexually aggressive and explicit request so this seems like a good time.

The bottom line is that you do not have to tolerate that sort of thing here just because it's an adult website.

Obviously when this software was designed, the creators made it so we can't read your private messages. But we can see how many are in your inbox, which helps when dealing with spammers. Or harassers.

So when I got this report, I reviewed the sender's private message statistics and he had 250+ in his "sent" box. And that really bothers me because it means a lot of people have heard from this creep and not bothered to report him. I assume that's because most people figure that on the Internet, there's not a lot to be done about it.

And I really want to emphasize that we have zero tolerance for this here. I've deleted all of that person's outgoing messages, and banned them from being able to ever message anyone again.

So if someone sends you something creepy and wrong - let us know and we will deal with it immediately. There's a little report button at the bottom of every PM that looks like an exclamation point inside a triangle. Or you can forward the message to me. Or just contact me and let me know about it. Whatever feels easiest.

But don't feel like you have to just accept it and move on.

Jeff

 

[Toesheldback]

Thank you Jeff!

 

[ISUmark]

I appreciate that after all these years Jeff is still here throwin the hammer down when necessary.

 

[robmic]

Jeff, you have no idea how much it's appreciated the effort you put in the TMF to keep it running smoothly! Without the things you do, god knows what would happen! Thanks again. You the MAN!

 

[EbonyStudio]

Agreed. Three (gazillion) cheers for Jeff!

 

[Frowg]

Nice!

 

[HallKogan]

[emoji898] [emoji482] You Rock Jeff

 

[FrenzyTickles]

 

[Mitchell]

I've been here many years, and in that time have learned an important lesson.

If anyone, say, if a guy leaves a woman a private message, and the woman does not reply, just accept it and move on.

It could be for one of two reasons.

One the woman does not want to talk to that guy

Two, the woman is so overwhelemed with messages from so many different people, that the woman simply does not have time to answer all of her messages .

My belief.

Be welcoming, civil, and friendly, and try to make a person feel welcomed and comfortable here.

The way I look at it, if one person does not answer, accept it, and try talking to someone else.

At some point, there will be a reply, and hopefully a nice conversation or message exchange will develop.

 

[Jericho716]

Thank you! While it would be tempting for you to share their information so they can be publicly doxxed and embarrassed, you guys are on top of it when messages are reported.

The best thing to do to avoid being one of these pathetic low lives is to gain CONSENT publicly before sending a PM to somebody, even if it's on somebody's "wall", but publicly gaining their permission is key. Consent is everything.

 

[Mitchell]

Jericho has a good point.

However.

I prefer to do it the old-fashioned way as I have here for 20 years.

Send a message , wait, see if the woman replies. If not, give it some time, and if not, just drop it, and dont message her again unless she gets back to you at some point, and the woman gives you reason to continue a conversation or message exchange with her.

Seems simple to me.

 

[lerler]

Good decision.

 

[SugarSoaker]

Thank you Jeff!

 

[brotherted]

Jeff has done, and continues to do, a great job for this site and the movement.
North of 97% of harassment allegations follow the framework he laid out -- many more are being harassed than ever report it.

I'm only writing here to point out that the "man bites dog" version of this story can exist too. People can weaponize what's designed to be anti-harassment reporting as its own form of harassment. This happened to me once on a different website that I won't name (Reddit). After already a dozen or so DMs back-and-forth, someone didn't like what I wrote in a single message, which was actually just a question, and they "reported" me to the sub-reddit moderator. This was someone to whom I never even sent two messages in a row, and I also never sent or wrote anything lewd or obscene. They just didn't like my question.

So... just like in real life, we definitely need cops, but there are a small %age of people who'll use cops for their own bullying tactics, (i.e. swatting). Maybe a fine point, or admittedly small fraction of the broader harassment issue, but still worth noting.

Thanks again, Jeff.

 

[MrMacphisto]

Jeff has done, and continues to do, a great job for this site and the movement.
North of 97% of harassment allegations follow the framework he laid out -- many more are being harassed than ever report it.

I'm only writing here to point out that the "man bites dog" version of this story can exist too. People can weaponize what's designed to be anti-harassment reporting as its own form of harassment. This happened to be once on a different website that I won't name (Reddit). After already a dozen or so DMs back-and-forth, someone didn't like what I wrote in a single message, which was actually just a question, and they "reported" me to the sub-reddit moderator. This was someone to whom I never even sent two messages in a row, and I also never sent or wrote anything lewd or obscene. They just didn't like my question.

So... just like in real life, we definitely need cops, but there are a small %age of people who'll use cops for their own bullying tactics, (i.e. swatting). Maybe a fine point, or admittedly small fraction of the broader harassment issue, but still worth noting.

Thanks again, Jeff.

True. Granted, Reddit, in particular, is infamous for drama queens. Between the political extremists and the narcissistic victim complex types, it's just a shit show of a social environment -- much like Twitter.

 

[male_ticklee2]

Every once in a while, it's worth revisiting this topic. And yesterday I got a report about someone messaging a random stranger with a sexually aggressive and explicit request so this seems like a good time.

The bottom line is that you do not have to tolerate that sort of thing here just because it's an adult website.

Obviously when this software was designed, the creators made it so we can't read your private messages. But we can see how many are in your inbox, which helps when dealing with spammers. Or harassers.

So when I got this report, I reviewed the sender's private message statistics and he had 250+ in his "sent" box. And that really bothers me because it means a lot of people have heard from this creep and not bothered to report him. I assume that's because most people figure that on the Internet, there's not a lot to be done about it.

And I really want to emphasize that we have zero tolerance for this here. I've deleted all of that person's outgoing messages, and banned them from being able to ever message anyone again.

So if someone sends you something creepy and wrong - let us know and we will deal with it immediately. There's a little report button at the bottom of every PM that looks like an exclamation point inside a triangle. Or you can forward the message to me. Or just contact me and let me know about it. Whatever feels easiest.

But don't feel like you have to just accept it and move on.

Jeff

Thanks for everything you do!