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Bewildered Turtle

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So what hasn't happened to me that hasn't happened already? Pfffffft I've lost track. Let me put it mildly, I can't wait to fucking leave Ohio. That's right, Darkhand and I broke up and it wasn't pretty either. Observe>>> Below is a copy and paste of a blog on Facebook I wrote after NEST, it's kind of a letter to myself.

Dear Cassi,

So I am documenting all of this because I am trying to figure out exactly where I went wrong. I am trying to tell myself that this is fixable, but I am also telling myself that it is not worth it. This really isnít a full on document, it is more me having a conversation with myself. And I am.
So I had a wonderful roommate who practically took care of me in Louisville, KY. I had a job unlike most Americans, I loved my coworkers but detest my boss(s). No matter how well I did in that company I always felt as though I was still very easily replaceable, which they found out later that I was not. I really did not have any friends at all, I could count them on one hand. All I really had to look forward to was the goofy affection of my roommate, and my boyfriend; who lived 3.5 hours away. But we made every effort to see each other when we could; it wasnít a one sided effort either.
See, the beginning of our relationship was absolutely amazing. We truly did make each other happy. We enjoyed each others affection and loved how much we could make each other laugh; this continued for a year. He gave me this ring, it was a promise that one day we will get married, and a token of his love. It was beautiful, it was touching, I actually believed him. We would occasionally talk about what kind of wedding ceremony we would have, children, but it was actually all a lie to my face. I pressured it, he says later.
Then what was the purpose of the ring?
Later on, we became polyamorous; donít know what that is? Well in brief terms, we (more he), saw other people that were in knowledge of one another; but remained considerably committed to each other in a loving relationship.
Was it something I wanted? No.
Was I really okay with it? No.
Did I try to talk him out of it? Yes.
Did I want him to be happy? Yes.
Did I sacrifice my confidence, happiness, and self-worth so he could be happy? Yes.
If you know me as a person, you know I am very devoted to whomever I am with. I will spend whatever penny I have left in my wallet to show whatever thoughtfulness I have of that person. I will try new things, even sushi; gross. And to try to show my absolutely devotion, I left my full-time job and the handful of friends I had in Louisville and moved. I moved to Ohio, to be closer to him. Now given, I was able to transfer my job position to another store, but a part-time position. I can now barely take care of myself. If I need help, I have to go to my mother, with my tail between my legs monthly. Because I was wrong, I made the wrong decision; am I facing the consequences? Abso-fucking-lutely.
What consequences? Feeding my cat more than myself, living on Ramen noodles and PB&J, being broke all the time. Oh but I occasionally go a little more fancy and can actually afford pasta. WHOHOO! I am living big! Go me.
Now, since moving, I thought that our relationship will just grow stronger and more passionateÖ.
Well, that didnít happen.
He had someone else, I did not, but I still supported it. I let him drive all the way to West Virginia to visit her. I accepted it, I treated her well, and expressed my support as much as I could. But something wasnít right, and I expressed it to him, did he listen? No.
If I wasnít okay with the situation, did he care? Well, I thought he did.
When I got upset because he went to West Virginia the weekend before I was going home for Christmas, I was ďsurely being selfishĒ. From then on, our relationship slowly began to fade to what it is now; nothing.
Something still did not feel right with this girl, I couldnít pin it exactly, but something was wrong. This is what happens when you have estrogen.
I finally got an apartment, but didnít get the rest of my stuff until months later. So I slept on the floor, in an empty apartment; with my cat.
We went to a ďlifestyleĒ (donít ask, donít tell) party, the three of us. I was fine, I held my head up high, I showed confidence in our relationship. Across from where we were sitting, was a very beautiful couple, whom I have never seen before. Sitting on the couch together, I felt like I was the third wheel.
His hand was on her leg, not mine.
His hand was around her shoulders, not mine.
He flirted around with her, not me.
And I just sat there and dealt with it. I still felt something wrong with her, but that didnít matter.
Soon after the party, the female of the handsome couple contacted him; showing interest I guess.
What I am thinking at this point? Great, thereís more; Iím getting pushed farther into the background.
But I went with it.
Surely I tried to do things to get his attention; because apparently my drama, was the only way to get it.
I saw him less, I talked to him less, we were intimate less; pinch by pinch things just became less.
So while getting to know this couple, the other girl in his life broke his heart; and he was destroyed. Even more destroyed because in the same week he lost his great aunt and his job. So I tried to be the good girlfriend to keep him happy; but when I was upset about something it simply was not the right time. The more I tried to push the issue, the more I got rejected; it was still not ďthe right timeĒ. I had to try to hide my feelings and concerned thoughts, I had to walk on eggshells because it was not THE RIGHT TIME.
When was the right time?
Would the right time ever be?
So he gained interest in the female of the hot couple. I took a deep breath and let it happen; as if I had a choice. Now see, this is when it gets really chaotic; this is when I become slightly broken into pieces. She was well educated, she wrote a book, she had a PhD, she was a professor , I guess she really was just his dream girl. He searched for intellect and intelligence, well I guess I didnít have enough. No I didnít go to a 4 year school, I didnít read constantly, I didnít use big words.
Does that make me less of an intelligent person? Fuck no.
I have lived more life than anyone my age. I have learned to live off of common sense, Iíve gained experience and learned from it; and whatever my mother taught me. I learned dependence, even though I recently lost it. The experience I had was not good enough for him I think.
Later on, the guy of the hot couple, expressed interest in me to him. Was I going to do anything about it, well no; until I felt pressured.. Now getting to know the other guy was enjoyable, and it did make me happy to a point. After such a long dark period he did bring back the light that I needed. He was very thoughtful, very affectionate, everything my boyfriend was before all of this. And I went long with it. But you know, I just wanted my boyfriend, I didnít want anyone else.
Why couldnít that have just been enough? It never was.
I saw this other man more than him. I would spend weekends with this man, but only spend a couple hours with my first and foremost. This just wasnít right.
Does it sound right? To me it does not.
I had a problem with this, but when I talked to him about it, oh he thinks that since we have a year and a half of our relationship that it was more important to build one with her.
Wait a minute. What?
She became more important to him and I became less.
She became more of what he wanted, I became less.
Honey, Sweetheart, sheís married, how far do you really think you are going to go?
I refused to get on birth control because I donít like itís effect on me. Does that mean I donít take good care of my body? Well to her that did. Because she had to take it, I guess I was obligated to do the same? No.
That does not mean that I was not cautious with my sexual lifestyle.
That does not mean that I was unaware of the consequences.
That does not decrease my level of maturity.
That just means, I DO NOT WANT TO.
That just means, IT IS MY BODY AND MY CHOICE.
The more I resisted her ďadviceĒ the more problems occurred.
And the more problems that occurred, the more he forgot that we were suppose to be in a relationship together.
He forgot we were suppose to be each others support.
He forgot about my feelings, and my needs.
What did he do? Nothing.
I was not okay. I was not happy at all. And I still stayed with him. I would cry to him that I felt like I was losing him. Did he do anything about it? No.
What did he say about it? He was going through a period to where he needed to think about himself.
YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, you DO NOT only think of yourself.
You want to only think of yourself? DO NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
But here is the thing. Here is what was expressed to me. And here is what gets me most. Here is where I am lost.
I am the one that is selfish.
And I am the one that was emotionally manipulative.
I may have just wanted to try to live happily ever after and just love and be with my boyfriend, and be with my boyfriend only. Thatís selfish?
I only expected to spend more time with him as he was with her. That is selfish?
I refused to get on birth control which eliminated my sex life with the other man, because I did not like the way it made me feel. That is selfish?
I may have caused some drama, I know I have, why should I lie about it? But it was because I just wanted to be fucking heard, or even considered. That does not make me emotionally manipulative. That makes me a fucking human being that has emotions and feelings. That makes me someone with a mind of her own, with a heart of gold. I may have cried or gotten upset often, that does not make me less of a person.
That does not make me less of an adult. Adults cry too; that does not make us babies.
I did cry, I did get upset. Because I did not feel like I was considered. Whether they thought so or not, I considered their relationship(s) a lot. If I did not, I would not have went on with trying to be poly. I would not have went along with it so he could be more happy, so he could feel some self worth and confidence.
I just trampled away on all these eggshells. *Squash Squash Squash Squash Squash*
So he tells me that he doesnít see himself ever getting married again, or even considering creating children.
You tell me this now? I wish he would have told me this sooner or I would not have kept daydreaming about it. Because I did look forward to it, I do want to grow old with him.
So what was I to do? What could I have benefited if we stayed together? Get a dog? No.
The ring on my finger was a lie. He broke my heart in pieces.
And trying to be friends with him hurt even more, because he went on like our relationship never existed.
He wanted me to keep the ring because it was a token of his love.
Why? So it could remind me that it was all a lie? If that ring was a token of his love, where was this love months ago?
Where did I go wrong? What did I do right?
I was wrong when I thought drama would get his attention. I was wrong when I thought we were happy. I was wrong when I bragged how happy we were. I was wrong when I moved to try to gain a future with him. I am wrong to think that this is all my fault.
I was right to tell him that there was no point in a relationship anymore.
That is all where I was right.
He was never a bad boyfriend, he was never unloving. I really think he did love me a lot, and I did him. I just donít think his mind is in a good place anymore. I think heís going through a phase in his life where he needs to feel accepted, accomplished, he needs to feel some sort of self-worth, he needs to feel good about himself. And I can not give him any of that. And I am sorry that I could not give him what he wanted or what he needed. But I will not think ever that it is my fault. Truthfully he left me months ago, I was the one that still kept trying to hold on. I am very scared for him. I hope things will be better for him, but not with her. He will soon find out, I see much chaos for him. I donít want to think that truthfully, but I just feel it coming. No he does not deserve it, but it might be people that will open his eyes.
This is how things needed to be.
I donít hate him, I donít regret trying to hold on. It is apart of life. And what do you do?
You move on.
Cassi, you can move on now. Itís okay. Everything is all okay.
There is not one thing wrong with you, you have friends that accept you for who you are. Not one of them think you are selfish or emotionally manipulative. In fact, they all thought you were crazy for suggesting so. Nothing was your fault. You are smart, talented, beautiful, and the most loving you can be.
Just be you.
Just love you.

So what has happened after that? I have commonly developed a hate for my ex. Here's the thing too, I never not stay friends with anyone that I am no longer in a relationship with ever, this time is different because he's a complete 100% bag of douche. I hate him, and I can't wait to stop running into him on a weekly basis, I think he's doing it on purpose, the prick.

Anyways, so I'm dating my best friend. Lets change that, I am in love with my best friend. Phil and I have been friends for almost 5 years, we started talking when I was still in Virginia and about to move to Tampa Florida, in my early 20's. He was currently in Saratoga, NY and I constantly begged him to visit, but he didn't. He was in denial because he thought I was too young and lived too far, but he still really liked me a lot. We would spend hours on the phone talking and just laughing all the time. I loved it. Well I finally met him about 2 years ago at UNY Gathering II, this of course was when I was still dating Darkhand. We went out and had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and well it was like running into an old friend and catching up. AMAZING. Well a year goes by and he moves to Myrtle Beach, SC we get back in contact after NEST 2011. He IMed me on Facebook just to say hello and see how I was doing. He just got back from his trip in Hawaii. I told him I was upset about what happened between Darkhand and I so he offered to call. And who'da thunk it?!?It was just like the good 'ol days. And those kinds of calls continued on a daily basis. So I finally talked him into a visit, and he actually came. After living in Ohio for almost a year, I had my first amazing weekend and it was because of him. And since then he's just been so wonderful. He's been the positive figure I have needed in my life in a long time. I don't think my sanity would have lasted long without him. I don't even think I could have gotten off my anxiety medication without him. That's right I'm drug-free bitches. And I don't even think about going back. So well he talked me into moving...AGAIN. Man, I've moved like 3 times in the past 3 years! I'm not kidding. But I'm pretty sure -his is going to be the last time. I don't belong in Ohio in bum-fuck no more, I belong on the east coast by the beach, closer to my family, and conveniently with my love of my life. So after Bella Bash in November, I am shortly packing up and leaving and saying my goodbye to Ohio with my middle finger hanging out the car window. And then driving my way to Myrtle Beach with my cat in the front seat and the rest of stuff packed tightly in my banana mobile, with the sweetest smile and feeling of finally getting somewhere in my life. I can actually go to school soon, and I don't have to work ridiculous hours at this stupid job to keep this shitty roof over my head. And I'm hoping to finally, and I can't stress this enough, reconnect with my friends; you know who you are. Because my shitty life in Ohio has caused me to part in a distance.
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