Ladies, do you ever feel...

chicago · Feb 21, 2015

Like people only want to get to know you because they hope to get their hands on you, either literally or figuratively (cyber/RP/whatever-the-kids-call-it) based on your appearance / location / the simple fact that you are female?

I find myself overly paranoid about this. While I am a bit of an exhibitionist and I like taking / posting pictures, it is a small aspect of my whole self and I find many people that approach me just go through the motions of small talk and feign interest for more shallow reasons, which I find to be insulting, because I like to think I've some intelligence / personality to me.

This seems to happen more often when a gathering I tend to go to is coming up. It can be disappointing because I find myself either reading too much into something that was said - in turn, being cold towards people who may really have just wanted to be my friend, or I get pissed off / hurt when I think someone was genuinely interested in friendship but then they stop talking to me after they realize I don't want to 'session' with them.

Am I overreacting? Should I just accept / ignore this kind of thing because of the nature of the community / sites like TMF? Are my expectations of just making good friends here too high? How do you deal?

Any insight at all from ladies here would be awesome.

Comfort Eagle · Feb 22, 2015

Are my expectations of just making good friends here too high?

I'm probably being a dickhead by interjecting in a female perspective thread, but truth be told I've found that barring two or three exceptions most "good friends" I've made here actually ended up being complete and total douchebags. Whether it's because the very basic thread of a common sexual fetish isn't nearly a good enough foundation for compatibility for genuine, platonic friendship or I'm just a far bigger douchebag than I realized, I've found that even strictly fetish-free friendships I've made through here have, with extraordinary exceptions, end up ending with me and the other party not wanting much to do with each other after a year or so.

I really hate to bash TMF since I've been here forever and by and large it's only ever been a fun experience, but it seems like TMF people by and large just don't gel well together outside of TMF for one reason or another, and that phenomenon crosses gender lines.

Terrz · Feb 22, 2015

I definitely feel like here a lot of the guys that message me just want to meet up.
Of course, if they message me just saying "Let's meet up." I try to decline as politely as possible or just don't answer if the message was way too forward.

Even with the guys that message me claiming they just "want to chat." We'll chat about everything, including tickling, and they'll casually bring up meeting up, and I'll always make it clear that it's not gonna happen, and they brush it off claiming I'll change my mind.

There was a guy I was talking to for a while - and we would chat daily and were getting pretty close - who would try and bribe me into meeting up with him by offering to buy me shoes that he wanted me to wear when we met up. He kept it up until I had to lay it out so clearly that we were never going to meet up and then he dropped off the face of the Earth.

I don't think you're overreacting, but sadly it's something we have to accept it because it is the nature of this site.

I'm not dissing every guy on his site, just the ones who only make accounts to only message every girl and try and meet up.

(Hopefully this makes sense and isn't to incoherent, it's 2 AM and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. If I read it again after some sleep and realize it makes no sense I'll elaborate.)

tcklemeslly · Feb 22, 2015

I understand it's a fetish site and a lot of people's intentions are to meet up, but since that's something I don't do I just try to make that clear. I usually just kindly decline or ignore people who only want that. No sweat off my back, good luck to them in finding what they want! I do however feel more inclined to talk to people when conversations are more in depth and not just role play. I think those deeper conversations allow both parties to learn and explore themselves far more. But I don't really let it get to me. You click with some people more than others in all areas of your life.

tcklemeslly · Feb 22, 2015

And I'll add that I've never come across anyone who has been down right disrespectful or anyone that I find annoying. My experience on TMF has been positive so far. I guess I just haven't come across people that rub me the wrong way, or maybe I just don't really take some conversations too seriously.

SpiffyTickler · Feb 22, 2015

It probably is exactly that. I will say though that someone can view you as both a sexual object and a cool, intelligent person (though I will admit some guys on here have no problem admitting they only care about the former). It just happens to be the case that this website is a hub for a particular sexual fetish, so the majority of males here, I'd assume, are very preoccupied with the former to begin with when they message other women on here.

So yes, you are likely getting messaged by men because you live near them and therefore there's a chance they could meet up with you and tickle you. You could look at it from one perspective and be disappointed that they're not messaging you only for conversation and friendship, but from a different perspective, I think given where we're having this discussion right now, that's not very surprising. We're all here because we have a common fetish, and therefore if a guy is here because he likes tickling women, he's going to be motivated to message you because you're a woman who likes being tickled, and therefore someone he'd ever want to meet up with to do this thing you both mutually like.

I don't necessarily think this is unique to the TMF, either. I'd imagine it's the same on any other website that centers around a fetish.

I will add this though: in saying that this is a fetish website and therefore you should expect behavior like this, I am not saying that this excuses the downright awful and shitty messages that I've seen many women on here get from men. That kind of behavior is inexcusable in any context.

RavenMoon · Feb 22, 2015

As others have pointed out, this can be quite common behavior to run into on most fetish sites, especially ones that are tailored more like a social networking site. The mix of people looking to hook up with the mix of people looking to socialize can clash hard, leaving sour tastes. Toss into that mix the fact that there are a number of individuals who get their jollies simply from the act of making contact in lewd fashion.

Over reacting? No. It is not unreasonable to expect people to converse with you on a respectful level, acknowledging your complete being instead of just your physical being. This behavior is essentially the online version of cat calls and bar pick ups, except that is can be creepier and worse simply because the computer screen gives a sense of anonymity. Unfortunately, too many people were raised to think cat calls and such behavior, on line or in rt, are nothing more than harmless "compliments".

Should you ignore it? That is your call. I ignore some of it. Some times it is hard to and I respond. I usually don't have a problem with it if I have been communicated with someone for a bit and our conversations have been about a multitude of things. I see it as flirting and will steer it where I want it to go at that point. Or I will call them on it if I am uncomfortable with it. If it happens with someone who I have only exchanged a couple of shallow messages with, I will usually call them on it. If they broach meeting and playing, or sexual stuff with in the first message, I will often explain to them my fondness of barbed urethra sounds on bound subjects. I usually don't hear back from them.

chicago · Feb 22, 2015

Thanks for the responses, especially the ladies.

When i joined in 2003, this place was a lot smaller and close-knit and gatherings had less attendees. Made making friends easier and i have met dozens here that i interact with regularly outside of tmf as well as a handful of close friendships. I think this place has just naturally changed over time and a lot of those original people are gone. The vibe here isnt the same, and im not knocking it, just realizing that the community isnt what it was in 03-07.

Thanks again for the insight.

rhiannon · Feb 22, 2015

I honestly don't even expect to make friends in a fetish forum. A fetish forum is first and foremost about sex, and if someone messages me, it has something to do with sex! (Okay, most everybody anywhere on the internet who messages me has sex on their mind....seems like people seem to go online just for that nowadays!)

So - I don't expect anything else, meaning I can't be disappointed. If a friendship forms, cool. Do I expect that to happen? Nope.

mb7700 · Feb 22, 2015

There are definitely some guys on here who are real creepers--and usually you can tell who they are just by reading their posts. Others of us, though, view this as much as a social networking or chatting site for people who we know already share one interest with us, but that's not all we post about or chat about.

Also, the problem that chicago describes isn't totally one-way when it comes to gender--there are some women on here who act the same way towards men. Less common for women on here to act that way than men, I'm sure, but it does happen.

primetime · Feb 22, 2015

I think we also have to consider the nature of the beast. This is a forum for tickling. People found this site because tickling is a strong enough part of their personality, they want to check it out and participate. Speaking from the male point of view, men usually come to want to find a "play partner". Which is why so many men flock after the women here, because in "everyday life" you don't know if a woman is into tickling or not. This forum pretty much tells you that they are. It is like finding gold.

Obviously there is an expectation to act civilly. Some men have very bad social skills, and creep, harass, and unfortunately, stalk the women on this site. But there are FAR more guys who know how to behave around the opposite gender. But rest assured, we didn't come here to be "just friends".

It is totally possible for a man and woman here to be "just friends". However, that elephant in the room (ie tickling) needs to be addressed. So why should it surprise ANY woman that a man they befriend here wants to tickle you? Had this been a site about puppies, then yeah, asking to indulge tickle fantasies would be not "normal" and cause for concern. But this site inherently gives everyone the idea that being tickled/tickling is going to be part of the conversation.

Now, it is also extremely possible that after the tickle inquiries, a man and woman can be JUST FRIENDS. It is a matter of how the people are and how they interact. I have met some awesome women here and they are just friends. But tickling will always be brought up, whether it is in every interaction, or every once in a while. It is why we are here. Doesn't take away that you can have friends. You will be able to tell who will be friends and who will just want tickling. Just like in "everyday life", there will be people who will be your friends, and people who only interact with you because they want something. Why expect anything different here?

chicago · Feb 22, 2015

primetime said:
I think we also have to consider the nature of the beast. This is a forum for tickling. People found this site because tickling is a strong enough part of their personality, they want to check it out and participate. Speaking from the male point of view, men usually come to want to find a "play partner". Which is why so many men flock after the women here, because in "everyday life" you don't know if a woman is into tickling or not. This forum pretty much tells you that they are. It is like finding gold.

Obviously there is an expectation to act civilly. Some men have very bad social skills, and creep, harass, and unfortunately, stalk the women on this site. But there are FAR more guys who know how to behave around the opposite gender. But rest assured, we didn't come here to be "just friends".

It is totally possible for a man and woman here to be "just friends". However, that elephant in the room (ie tickling) needs to be addressed. So why should it surprise ANY woman that a man they befriend here wants to tickle you? Had this been a site about puppies, then yeah, asking to indulge tickle fantasies would be not "normal" and cause for concern. But this site inherently gives everyone the idea that being tickled/tickling is going to be part of the conversation.

Now, it is also extremely possible that after the tickle inquiries, a man and woman can be JUST FRIENDS. It is a matter of how the people are and how they interact. I have met some awesome women here and they are just friends. But tickling will always be brought up, whether it is in every interaction, or every once in a while. It is why we are here. Doesn't take away that you can have friends. You will be able to tell who will be friends and who will just want tickling. Just like in "everyday life", there will be people who will be your friends, and people who only interact with you because they want something. Why expect anything different here?

I don't mean to imply that only females deal with this problem and I didn't mention either gender at all in my original post when it came to this issue, I just requested female responses as I felt I could better relate.

I think there are a lot of assumptions from all parties. Assumptions that someone who is a member here is into tickling - Granted, the vast majority is, there are cases where people become members through significant others, to get information, or they're just curious. Assumptions that people come here for any specific reason. I think it's ok for everyone to define what they are looking for or want from here on their own terms, albeit maybe making that clear in one's profile would be a help. I recently added some information to mine to make it clear I am not looking for anything other than friendship, casual chatting, etc. I don't know if it's fair to other members here to speak for them and say "We didn't come here to be just friends." That said, I would never have expected to make friendships here, even though I have, and I think maybe to see that as the norm, rather than the exception, is part of my problem.

But I never said I was shocked that someone would want to tickle me, however I don't like feeling that someone is pretending to be interested in me in hopes of winning my trust just to get their hands on me. That feels disingenuous. And again, I never said I didn't expect to get those types of requests. I get them daily and have been an active member for long enough to know that comes with the territory, like it or not. Those are not really what I'm speaking on here. Again, to reiterate my point, it's the act of getting to know and befriend someone that is not interested in a tickle session, with plans to do exactly that. I'm sorry if I wasn't more clear in my original post.

At any rate, this thread has helped me rethink some things in terms of expectations of others and the site in general, as well as making it very clear to others why I am here.

primetime · Feb 22, 2015

chicago said:
I don't mean to imply that only females deal with this problem and I didn't mention either gender at all in my original post when it came to this issue, I just requested female responses as I felt I could better relate.

I think there are a lot of assumptions from all parties. Assumptions that someone who is a member here is into tickling - Granted, the vast majority is, there are cases where people become members through significant others, to get information, or they're just curious. Assumptions that people come here for any specific reason. I think it's ok for everyone to define what they are looking for or want from here on their own terms, albeit maybe making that clear in one's profile would be a help. I recently added some information to mine to make it clear I am not looking for anything other than friendship, casual chatting, etc. I don't know if it's fair to other members here to speak for them and say "We didn't come here to be just friends." That said, I would never have expected to make friendships here, even though I have, and I think maybe to see that as the norm, rather than the exception, is part of my problem.

But I never said I was shocked that someone would want to tickle me, however I don't like feeling that someone is pretending to be interested in me in hopes of winning my trust just to get their hands on me. That feels disingenuous. And again, I never said I didn't expect to get those types of requests. I get them daily and have been an active member for long enough to know that comes with the territory, like it or not. Those are not really what I'm speaking on here. Again, to reiterate my point, it's the act of getting to know and befriend someone that is not interested in a tickle session, with plans to do exactly that. I'm sorry if I wasn't more clear in my original post.

At any rate, this thread has helped me rethink some things in terms of expectations of others and the site in general, as well as making it very clear to others why I am here.

Please don't get me wrong, I wasn't saying that you were implying that females only deal with this. I also see what you are trying to point out as well. I was just giving a male point of view. Your first paragraph in the OP is what drove my response more than anything else. I feel for the ladies on this site because typically, you have to deal with more people with lack of social skills, than males do. Like the other thread "Harassing models", it amazes me there are people who have no clue on how to interact with another human being...

Tortuga · Feb 22, 2015

No you're not alone babes. I feel exactly the same way and have earned the title " the bitch in the chatroom". I get it this is a forum created around a simple fetish but people Need to understand that regardless of the amount of trolls and creepers; we are human beings. Some of us have lives that don't evolve around a fetish as much it does for others. I've had a handful of certain folks that kind of ruin the fetish for me by being complete assholes. I don't want to dive into a convo that jumps into kink. "Hi how are you are you a lee or ler?" I'm sorry is just plain rude. Don't even bother introducing yourself and just jump in to why don't you. It would save me in taking the time in answering and telling anyone how my day is or whatever. I personally prefer to get to know someone first before I get anywhere near talking kink...and frankly most brought it on to themselves because I have trust issues talking or getting to know anyone on this forum due to certain past events.

Sandrock74 · Feb 22, 2015

chicago said:
When i joined in 2003, this place was a lot smaller and close-knit and gatherings had less attendees. Made making friends easier and i have met dozens here that i interact with regularly outside of tmf as well as a handful of close friendships. I think this place has just naturally changed over time and a lot of those original people are gone. The vibe here isnt the same, and im not knocking it, just realizing that the community isnt what it was in 03-07.

I'd just like to pint out that the vibe of the forum from 01-03 was vastly different from 03-07! It's just the nature of the beast, that the forum evolves with the times. I was one of the young punk kids when the TMF was founded and now I feel like some old man sitting on his porch, waving his cane at them trouble makin' kids. When did that happen??

The forum is much larger now and with more incoming people (many of them young) and many older names vanishing (most likely to places like facebook), the very nature of the forum changes. It's happened before and it'll happen again. Believe me, I miss those early days of 2001-2003!

meangry · Feb 22, 2015

I mean, maybe in the past?

I dunno. Every person I've talked with through here that are female, I've been genuinely interested in them as people. Obviously, there is a commonality, with the tickling fetish, but let's be honest here; whether it's you, Cago, or Crystal, or Tiger.Lily (god, that's been YEARS), something about you guys as people drew me to seeking out talking to you, and it wasn't because you were extremely attractive ladies who shared my SUPER DUPER SECRET SHAMEFUL FETISH. I've had others approach me, and we talked and kept closeness because of a myriad of things, but not because I felt like I could throw down some charm and get into their panties, or let them get at what's inside their shoes.

I am just realizing I am a dude responding to a thread seeking out responses from dudettes.

Sure, there are situations where I seek things out. Maybe it's through text. Maybe it's shared story writing. Maybe I send something in a pm, or write a story, and want to take things someplace personal. I look at that as good fun, and if people want to share in that, and get in that headspace, then awesome. If not, awesome. What I don't get is the sense of entitlement, that if I talk to you, you owe me a chance to tickle you. Or that I am your friend, you owe me sex. That bullshit good guy syndrome, you know? Too many dudes with fakeness running through them trying to get laid or have their physical wants met. And any woman should have her head on a swivel about that. Emotion changes a lot of shit, maturity is paramount, and if you're that madly in love with someone, all that can go out the window anyways.

Tortuga · Feb 23, 2015

beansontoast said:
Best answer by far.

But keep in mind, the whole forum doesn't use this site to get their kicks off. Some people look for potential friendships because that kind of friendship really is the best kind of friendship where you feel accepted as who you are. At least a handful of people that I am extremely close with I see several times a year, excluding if I see them at a gathering or not. If we're in the same area, sure I'll grab a bite and see a movie with em. Two of them, who I have grown extremely close with over all these years, I see often, love them dearly, would kill if anything happened to them, those two will be standing with me at the altar of my wedding next year. A fetish isn't always about sex. I feel that a lot of people take full advantage of the forum just so they can have something to whack off to every night.

NeitherSparky · Feb 23, 2015

I agree with everything said in the first post, not going to bother quoting it.

I also agree with Tortuga. I am not on here, or other sites like fetlife, because I am looking for people to physically indulge in my fetishes with. I am here because, I have this thing, this weird thing that's very important to me, and I want to connect with other people who understand. First and foremost, I *am* here to form friendships, not to get my rocks off. I don't go to the munches because I'm hoping for a play party, I just want to hang out. I try to be understanding when all a guy wants when contacting me is to eventually get his hands on me - because yes this IS a fetish forum - but at the same time I have trouble being patient with those guys. I stopped posting often many years ago because every time I prove I exist I get several PMs. I even had to disable PMs for a while there because I couldn't deal with it. I might even get some PMs from new guys after this post, lol.

Tortuga · Feb 23, 2015

NeitherSparky said:
I agree with everything said in the first post, not going to bother quoting it.

I also agree with Tortuga. I am not on here, or other sites like fetlife, because I am looking for people to physically indulge in my fetishes with. I am here because, I have this thing, this weird thing that's very important to me, and I want to connect with other people who understand. First and foremost, I *am* here to form friendships, not to get my rocks off. I don't go to the munches because I'm hoping for a play party, I just want to hang out. I try to be understanding when all a guy wants when contacting me is to eventually get his hands on me - because yes this IS a fetish forum - but at the same time I have trouble being patient with those guys. I stopped posting often many years ago because every time I prove I exist I get several PMs. I even had to disable PMs for a while there because I couldn't deal with it. I might even get some PMs from new guys after this post, lol.

Thank you!

beansontoast said:
I understand your point of view, but what I like about Rhiannon's post was the following

"I don't expect anything else, meaning I can't be disappointed"

that's smart advice for all parts of life.

At least you understand. But I don't want anyone to think that it's absolutely 10000x expected to only make friendships. In my case it just happens. You can accept it in open arms or not behind closed doors. That's up to you. I prefer to make a friend over excessive kink talk only. But that's just me.

UpSide2Gravity · Feb 23, 2015

Fuck the patriarchy!

PoisonIvyDC · Feb 23, 2015

Yeah, I sometimes talk to people on here and they're only interested in sessions and stuff like that. Some are even looking for romantic partners, and get all offended when I say I have a boyfriend are are like "You're only saying that because you don't like me". It's annoying.

UpSide2Gravity · Feb 23, 2015

Women's bodies are already fetishized enough, now add an actual fetish to the mix and men will go ape shit. What men must learn is they don't have to the right act in a certain light with the opposite sex. Just because a male has a fetish and is technically on a "fetish site", doesn't give them the power to hypersexualize women. No if ands or buts about it. Just because your in a "fetish site" doesn't give anyone the right to act in a disrespectful manner. Yes we all have the same fetish, but what people must learn is that this is a community, and not solely a place to get ones jollies. For many people, including myself, this is a haven for us to be comfortable with our fetish openly and make friends with the same fetish.

daturaskiss · Feb 24, 2015

You are definitely not alone lol. I've been a member here for a LONG time (new username in 2013), and it's a fun place to talk about tickling, but I have not met many people that cared about me beyond my potential as a 'lee (or, less commonly, a 'ler). I have done the chat room thing, had some fun, but it always ended with "ok let's have a session" (not in those words, but you know what I mean)...and if I didn't reciprocate in kind, they disappeared. Not in every case, but it happens a LOT. I would really hate to get attached to anyone here, and that makes me sad to say that, because it's such a small fetish group and we really need support from each other

CallMeRed08 · Feb 24, 2015

i tried talking to you a few times but i felt like i was bugging u so i stopped.

sonnymadler · Feb 24, 2015

Excuse me for being a guy, but I'd have to agree with Rhiannon. I never hoped to make good friends with someone online, I still tend to believe that the best way for that is to go out and interact face to face. Because even a monkey can hide behind an online profile, i.e. you never know who you're dealing with. And trust is a very important factor in my book when it comes to friendship, or just plain interaction with people. The chance of meeting a creep/perv on the internet is sadly higher than meeting and getting to know someone normal enough. Bottom line is, I wouldn't rely on online forums if I wanted to find new friends.

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