Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,913
- Points
- 38
My dad was a mathematician. He died at age 89... passed away in his prime.
Customer: "I'd like to buy one hot dog with mustard."
Push-cart owner: "Sorry, sir. I only accept cash."
I wrote down everything I was gonna need from the grocery store and you know what? Soon as I got in the building, I discovered I'd left the damn paper at home. It was pretty sad; I just stood there feeling listless.
Remember the Cubist painter noted for his use of a distinctive brown hue? I think his name was Picassole.
My buddies tell me it takes awhile to get over an ex-girlfriend. I've found that it's a lot easier if you gun the engine.
The only use for trash bags is to be thrown away. How dare that store sell garbage!
Q: The trouble with being a celebrity is that high profile status sometimes makes you a target. What was Dora the Explorer's response when an unknown gunman took a shot at her?
A: "Sniper, no sniping!"
"Sonny, I see you've hooked up your dog to your toy fire truck so he can pull it around. Very clever... except that you have the end of the rope tied around his balls. Don't you think he'd have an easier time if it was around his neck?"
"Maybe, mister. But then what would I do for a siren?"
Few climbers can scale Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen. The view is breathtaking.
Q: An archeologist discovers five life-sized golden statues in a tomb he's exploring. How does he alert the rest of his crew?
A: By shouting, "AU guys!"
Did you know that Popeye the Sailor had socked the Pope? It was an honest mistake... Popeye'd overheard that the pontiff was going to Mount Olive.
You're familiar with crop circles, right?... when whole wheat fields have sections mowed down to form bizarre patterns? Most people think aliens are responsible. The truth is far more sinister: it's really done by cereal killers.
I had a big fight with my wife last night. She asked, "What's on the TV tonight? Jesus, I wish I hadn't said, "Dust."
Every naval base has a chaplain. That's because it's a place of warship.
My daughter came into my bedroom late last night, saying, "Daddy, I'm scared! Can I sleep with you?" Of course, I did the responsible thing and took her back to her own bed; don't want that damn monster tracking her into my room.
LA County cancelled Halloween last year. Typical California backasswards attitude... the one time people wanted to put on masks, the government wouldn't let 'em.
Eight, to Infinity: "You just gonna lie in bed all day?"
Q: The fraction 1/5 doubled up in pain. Why was that?
A: It became 2/10s.
I bought my first e-book today and am completely delighted with it! I find it contains many other letters as well!
Since the rule of the Tsars, wrongdoers in Russia have been sent to work camps in Siberia as an alternative to prison. The conditions in that region are incredibly harsh; the condemned suffer a host of debilitating effects, most notably drastically lowered body temperature and extreme emaciation. Now that we live in more modern times, authorities are considering whether or not the practice is humane; they're currently weighing the frozen cons.
Q: How does a strong weightlifter become a really, really, really strong weightlifter?
A: Repetitions.
"Why are you wearing a bucket on your head?"
"I wear a bucket on my head every Monday."
"But today is Tuesday."
"Damn! I must look like such an idiot!"
* * *
Customer: "I'd like to buy one hot dog with mustard."
Push-cart owner: "Sorry, sir. I only accept cash."
* * *
I wrote down everything I was gonna need from the grocery store and you know what? Soon as I got in the building, I discovered I'd left the damn paper at home. It was pretty sad; I just stood there feeling listless.
* * *
Remember the Cubist painter noted for his use of a distinctive brown hue? I think his name was Picassole.
* * *
My buddies tell me it takes awhile to get over an ex-girlfriend. I've found that it's a lot easier if you gun the engine.
* * *
The only use for trash bags is to be thrown away. How dare that store sell garbage!
* * *
Q: The trouble with being a celebrity is that high profile status sometimes makes you a target. What was Dora the Explorer's response when an unknown gunman took a shot at her?
A: "Sniper, no sniping!"
* * *
"Sonny, I see you've hooked up your dog to your toy fire truck so he can pull it around. Very clever... except that you have the end of the rope tied around his balls. Don't you think he'd have an easier time if it was around his neck?"
"Maybe, mister. But then what would I do for a siren?"
* * *
Few climbers can scale Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen. The view is breathtaking.
* * *
Q: An archeologist discovers five life-sized golden statues in a tomb he's exploring. How does he alert the rest of his crew?
A: By shouting, "AU guys!"
* * *
Did you know that Popeye the Sailor had socked the Pope? It was an honest mistake... Popeye'd overheard that the pontiff was going to Mount Olive.
* * *
You're familiar with crop circles, right?... when whole wheat fields have sections mowed down to form bizarre patterns? Most people think aliens are responsible. The truth is far more sinister: it's really done by cereal killers.
* * *
I had a big fight with my wife last night. She asked, "What's on the TV tonight? Jesus, I wish I hadn't said, "Dust."
* * *
Every naval base has a chaplain. That's because it's a place of warship.
* * *
My daughter came into my bedroom late last night, saying, "Daddy, I'm scared! Can I sleep with you?" Of course, I did the responsible thing and took her back to her own bed; don't want that damn monster tracking her into my room.
* * *
LA County cancelled Halloween last year. Typical California backasswards attitude... the one time people wanted to put on masks, the government wouldn't let 'em.
* * *
Eight, to Infinity: "You just gonna lie in bed all day?"
* * *
Q: The fraction 1/5 doubled up in pain. Why was that?
A: It became 2/10s.
* * *
I bought my first e-book today and am completely delighted with it! I find it contains many other letters as well!
* * *
Since the rule of the Tsars, wrongdoers in Russia have been sent to work camps in Siberia as an alternative to prison. The conditions in that region are incredibly harsh; the condemned suffer a host of debilitating effects, most notably drastically lowered body temperature and extreme emaciation. Now that we live in more modern times, authorities are considering whether or not the practice is humane; they're currently weighing the frozen cons.
* * *
Q: How does a strong weightlifter become a really, really, really strong weightlifter?
A: Repetitions.
* * *
"Why are you wearing a bucket on your head?"
"I wear a bucket on my head every Monday."
"But today is Tuesday."
"Damn! I must look like such an idiot!"
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