Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,913
- Points
- 38
I'll never understand why any bride marries the groom... not when the best man is standing right next to him.
Q: What do you call the baker who chops up matzah bread?
A: A master of judo.
I never really got to know my mother; she was always cold and distant. That's what happens when a woman dies during childbirth.
History teacher: "During the Great Depression, Franklin Roosevelt would expound at length about the Forgotten Man. Can anyone tell me why this person is considered so important?"
Student: "What person?"
"Shake What Yo Mama Gave Ya!" I guess that's sound advice, but it isn't always easy to shake a depression.
A bum becomes so inebriated that he starts talking to a puddle of vomit in an alley.
"You a local?" grins the wino.
"Yep!" the vomit replies chipperly. "I was brought up in these parts!"
I knew a man who, due to his profound fear, used to sleep with his light on all night long. One day, I finally told him how unmanly I found this behavior; how the only way he could find any self respect was to turn that light off and keep it off! Yep, I shamed him into it! Turns out we should have listened to his fear; with the lighthouse dark, fifty sailors were wrecked and drowned.
Older men tend to have more wardrobe malfunctions. It's to be expected when your chest collapses into your drawers.
Every woman I've ever dated has called me handsome. It's something they say right after sex: "Handsome over!"
Don't juice your fruit! They hate being shredded that way! Why, it's enough to make a mango crazy!
Mom tried to induct me into her version of Fight Club. First rule: don't talk about Fight Club with your mouth full.
Q: What do garden gnomes do for sex?
A: Has no one told you about the garden hoes? Kinks o'plenty!
I stayed three days in the most haunted house in America and wasn't bothered by ghosts once. My secret: I spent all my time in the living room.
Q: How will you know if you're sick with the new Delta variant?
A: Your trip to the hospital will include a stopover in Atlanta.
Pizza is a fattening food that takes quite awhile to prepare, but most people think it's worth the weight.
Hobo: "Hey mister, got any odd jobs?"
Farmer: "Well, you could try milkin' the bull."
The Irish aren't worried about global warming. If the ocean levels start to rise, they'll all move to the city of Cork.
A skunk got a bump on the head and couldn't remember what sort of animal he was until he sprayed into a headwind.
"Ah!" he cried with returning awareness. "It's all coming back to me!"
I'm organizing a petition to rescind the Law of Gravity. What good's gravity ever done us? Know what you get if you remove it? Gravy!
Hear about the Venus flytrap that's grown into a 50 ft. tree? Don't worry; it's all bark and no bite.
One of my buddies suggested we go to the drag races. Sounded like a macho good time to me, but it wasn't. Those guys looked asinine running around in high heels.
Ivan Pavlov was having a leisurely lunch at a restaurant when somebody's phone rang.
"Damn!" he shouted, springing to his feet. "I gotta feed the dogs!"
* * *
Q: What do you call the baker who chops up matzah bread?
A: A master of judo.
* * *
I never really got to know my mother; she was always cold and distant. That's what happens when a woman dies during childbirth.
* * *
History teacher: "During the Great Depression, Franklin Roosevelt would expound at length about the Forgotten Man. Can anyone tell me why this person is considered so important?"
Student: "What person?"
* * *
"Shake What Yo Mama Gave Ya!" I guess that's sound advice, but it isn't always easy to shake a depression.
* * *
A bum becomes so inebriated that he starts talking to a puddle of vomit in an alley.
"You a local?" grins the wino.
"Yep!" the vomit replies chipperly. "I was brought up in these parts!"
* * *
I knew a man who, due to his profound fear, used to sleep with his light on all night long. One day, I finally told him how unmanly I found this behavior; how the only way he could find any self respect was to turn that light off and keep it off! Yep, I shamed him into it! Turns out we should have listened to his fear; with the lighthouse dark, fifty sailors were wrecked and drowned.
* * *
Older men tend to have more wardrobe malfunctions. It's to be expected when your chest collapses into your drawers.
* * *
Every woman I've ever dated has called me handsome. It's something they say right after sex: "Handsome over!"
* * *
Don't juice your fruit! They hate being shredded that way! Why, it's enough to make a mango crazy!
* * *
Mom tried to induct me into her version of Fight Club. First rule: don't talk about Fight Club with your mouth full.
* * *
Q: What do garden gnomes do for sex?
A: Has no one told you about the garden hoes? Kinks o'plenty!
* * *
I stayed three days in the most haunted house in America and wasn't bothered by ghosts once. My secret: I spent all my time in the living room.
* * *
Q: How will you know if you're sick with the new Delta variant?
A: Your trip to the hospital will include a stopover in Atlanta.
* * *
Pizza is a fattening food that takes quite awhile to prepare, but most people think it's worth the weight.
* * *
Hobo: "Hey mister, got any odd jobs?"
Farmer: "Well, you could try milkin' the bull."
* * *
The Irish aren't worried about global warming. If the ocean levels start to rise, they'll all move to the city of Cork.
* * *
A skunk got a bump on the head and couldn't remember what sort of animal he was until he sprayed into a headwind.
"Ah!" he cried with returning awareness. "It's all coming back to me!"
* * *
I'm organizing a petition to rescind the Law of Gravity. What good's gravity ever done us? Know what you get if you remove it? Gravy!
* * *
Hear about the Venus flytrap that's grown into a 50 ft. tree? Don't worry; it's all bark and no bite.
* * *
One of my buddies suggested we go to the drag races. Sounded like a macho good time to me, but it wasn't. Those guys looked asinine running around in high heels.
* * *
Ivan Pavlov was having a leisurely lunch at a restaurant when somebody's phone rang.
"Damn!" he shouted, springing to his feet. "I gotta feed the dogs!"
