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Friday night nyuks (6-24-22).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
During my visit to the beach, a woman tried to get my attention by waving at me. I would'a waved back, but she was so far out in the ocean I couldn't tell if she was good looking.

* * *​

An ample bosom is like a sunset: if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at it longer.

* * *​

What pleasure could my son possibly get watching YouTubers play video games? I'd question him about it, but the playoffs are starting on ESPN.

* * *​

Q: Where can you find lions, elephants and baboons that fly?

A: On the Serengeti plane.

* * *​

My pup used to enjoy it when I threw him balls, but not anymore. The cost of tuxedo rental is just too high these days.

* * *​

Film scholars have recovered 120 year old documentary footage of natives slicing strips of meat from one of their kills and drying it in the sun. When asked about the quality, they had this to say: "It's jerky."

* * *​

Our secret to a successful marriage: never go to bed angry. When she gets pissed off, I make her sleep on the couch.

* * *​

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"

"Scattering my dad's remains. It was his final wish."

"Well stop it this instant! You aren't allowed to do that here!"

"Why not?"

"They have to be cremated first!"

* * *​

A new restaurant opened downtown, one that claims it "serves breakfast any time". I'm eager to give it a try... I'd really like to find out what French toast was like during the revolution.

* * *​

"My girlfriend broke up with me. She says I'm a racist because I hate all gingers."

"Hmmm... as juvenile and intolerant as that attitude may be, gingers aren't actually a race. So, she not really leaving you over racism."

"What else could it be, then? My dyslexia?"

* * *​

Damn McDonald's! I ordered two large fries... they gave me 60 regular-sized ones!

* * *​

Senior speculator: "You planning to take out my daughter? Well, hear me loud and clear: I want her home by 10:00!"

Junior speculator: "But what is she doesn't want to sell?"

* * *​

History may be written by the winners, but so is humor. For instance, northerners will laugh at a Civil War joke, but southerners refuse to. That's General Lee speaking, of course.

* * *​

My wife says she has no need to travel... she considers our marriage the best vacation she'll ever have. Of course, another way to look at it is that I was her last resort.

* * *​

"Private Jones, I want a word with you! I did not see you at camouflage training this morning!"

"Thank you, Sargent!"

* * *​

Detectives cleared the butler, but never fully trusted the housekeeper. Even after the crime was solved, they couldn't get her to come clean.

* * *​

My son wanted to know all about poo, so I sat him down and gave him a detailed explanation of the digestive system. He sat there in rapt attention; I could tell I was getting through to him. As soon as I finished my lecture, I inquired if he had any questions. He looked at me wide-eyed and asked, "... Tigger and Eeyore too?"

* * *​

Q: Fred Flintstone works in a rock quarry. How is he able to move massive slabs off that stone cliff?

A: He uses dino might.

* * *​

Father Time has all kinds of trouble finding an appropriate birthday gift for Mother Nature... Nature abhors a vacuum.

* * *​

Playboy tried to capitalize on the MILF craze with a special series of magazines, but they didn't sell well. No Playboy reader wants to admit he has mother issues.

* * *​

My sister was an unmerciful bully when we were youngsters. She used to tease that me that I had neither the endowment nor the confidence to become a flasher. Well, I sure showed her!

* * *​

She: "Look buster... our 10th anniversary is on the way. You better have something spectacular planned.

He: "Indeed I do. I intend to take you to Kruger National Park!"

She: "Really? That's a wonderful idea! I always wanted to go on safari! If that's what you have in mind for out 10th, I can scarcely imagine what you'll do for our 20th!"

He: "Oh, I have that all worked out too. I'll be making a second trip to Africa to find out how you're holding up."
 
LOL :p
Great collection, as usual. :D
My favorite:
During my visit to the beach, a woman tried to get my attention by waving at me. I would'a waved back, but she was so far out in the ocean I couldn't tell if she was good looking.
 
The first is best today! :D Thanks for voting early, Milagros! A boon to beach etiquette!
 
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