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Friday night nyuks (8-12-22).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,904
Points
38
My pet snake got away from me and slithered into a sausage factory; I soon expect it to slither out again. It won't be long now!

* * *​

Some animal experts say that the average horse can run at 50 mph. Others say its more like 60. Everyone seems to have a different opinion... time to conduct a gallop poll.

* * *​

The instructions on my shampoo bottle read, "Wash, rinse and repeat." A good thing it ran empty... otherwise I'd still be in the shower!

* * *​

Boss: "Hold up there a minute, son. I'd like a quick word."

Subordinate: "Certainly, sir! How about 'accelerate'?"

* * *​

I tried to be a gentleman today and held a door open for a group of ladies. Turns out that doesn't work so well with revolving doors.

* * *​

First detective: "The victim has been bludgeoned 45 times with a lead pipe. Indications are it was racially motivated."

Second detective: "Hate crime?"

First detective: "Yes I do. That's why I became a cop."

* * *​

My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet soon. He was right, too... I had to sell my car to pay the medical bill.

* * *​

Q: How do lawyers sleep at night?

A: They lie on one side, then flip over to lie on the other.

* * *​

I don't tell that many fat jokes, but am planning to tell more. I'd like my humor to be appreciated by a wider audience.

* * *​

German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg: "No, sir. But I do know where I am."

* * *​

Somebody vandalized my property... they spray painted "Perverts screw in here!" on my garage door! If I catch those little bastards, I'm gonna strangle 'em! I've been waiting three hours and haven't seen one yet!

* * *​

If you visit Tintagel Castle in Cornwall, you might just see the ghost of Sir Gawain doing a standup act with the ghost of Sir Bedivere. The site is known for its late knight performances.

* * *​

My dad was sick and tired of me lying around all day long. He told me I should get a life. Well, I bet he's proud of me now! I took his!

* * *​

Q: How do you treat a porcupine with alopecia?

A: Any way you want. What's he gonna do to ya?

* * *​

My wife's birthday was approaching and she was leaving jewelry brochures, the De Beers catalogue, even a copy of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" lying around. Well, I can take a hint... I got her a magazine rack.

* * *​

There isn't much difference between a ham actor and a burglar. They both steal the spotlight.

* * *​

I made six figures at my job last year! The boss says I better pick up the pace if we want to have all the GI Joes ready this Christmas.

* * *​

Pizza is circular, the box it comes in is square and it's served in triangles. Mussolini certainly was disorganized; however, he did make the delivery trucks run on time.

* * *​

My mom always said she was canning when she was putting up preserves, even though she never actually used any cans. I found it a jarring experience.

* * *​

Folks in Athens must really hate getting up in the morning. Ads on TV constantly tell us that dawn it tough on Greece.

* * *​

My grandma is 90 years old and has never had to use glasses. Even in bars, she drinks straight from the bottle.

* * *​

Frog: "Please help me! I'm really a handsome prince transformed by a spell! Tell me... am I destined to be alone forever?"

Witch: "Let me look into your future... aha! I see you'll soon meet a lovely young girl... one interested in a hands-on relationship... one who'll want to know everything about you..."

Frog: "That's great! Will I meet her at the palace?"

Witch: "No... in Biology Class."
 
LOL :p
Great collection, as usual. :D
My favorite:
German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg: "No, sir. But I do know where I am."
 
Thank you Milagros! :D A damn fine choice this week, my own personal favorite! I enjoy these esoteric science-based jokes and throw them in whenever I can find one!
 
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