Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
My girlfriend looks like a Roman goddess! She's chalk white and has no arms.
Adult: "What's the matter, youngster?"
Boy: "I'm too small to reach the doorbell. Could you push it for me please?"
Adult: "Why certainly! There you go! Anything else you'd like me to do?"
Boy: "Yeah... run like hell!"
I was born a man, but insist on using the women's restroom. That's because I identify as a pervert.
The ghost of Hercules strolls into a restaurant where he orders a sumptuous meal and a glass of bourbon.
"Sorry, sir," the waiter returns. "We don't serve strong spirits."
My brother just proposed to the woman with whom he's shared a long-distance relationship, offering a wedding ring over the the ham broadcast equipment they both own. It's an instance where radio-carbon dating really paid off!
Brunette: "Okay... we've worked on your math. Now let's test your knowledge of geography. What's the captial of California?"
Blonde: "Hmmm... 'C', I think."
Back when I was a kid, I was trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed up as an a Tootsie Pop when I ran into the bully who'd tormented me throughout second grade. Needless to say, I took a lickin'.
"Excuse me, ma'am... did I step on your foot a minute ago when I left to use the restroom?"
"Yes, young man! You certainly did!"
"Great! This is the right row, then!"
Miss Johnson was the easiest grade school teacher I ever had. She was a 60 year old spinster and just didn't give an F anymore.
"This is 911. State the nature of your emergency."
"... please bear with me..."
"Sir, get off the line! This number is not to used frivolously!"
"Will you fer cris'sake talk to the bear that just broke into me house! Nothing I say seems to please it!"
Whoever invented sidewalks should be written up in the history books! Such a valuable invention... when I was a young man, they kept me off the streets!
There once was a little monkey who swung one way, then the other. His name was Bi-Curious George.
My relationship with my old school buddies is just like the show "Friends"... I haven't seen any of them since 2004.
Q: Can aquarium decorations be returned once they've been used?
A: Sorry, no reef funds.
I enjoy Walt Disney's "Snow White" so much, I ordered two duplicates of the movie poster, one to put up in my home and the other to put up at work. That was three months ago... someday, my prints will come.
A priest is in the woods enjoying the glories of nature when a ferocious mountain lion appears out of nowhere, preparing to strike. The priest is terrified, but pulling himself together he lifts his eyes heavenward and exhorts, "Merciful Father, please let this dumb brute understand the ways of your holy religion!"
Immediately, a ray of light shines down from above, striking the cougar directly on the head. The great cat bends down on its knees and places its paws together in supplication.
"Dear Lord," it meekly mews, "for this which I am about to receive, let me be truly grateful."
Local folks accused me of using terribly tasteless Halloween decorations on my house this year. I had to explain it wasn't my fault... the damn state makes me put up those notices.
Q: What's more frightening than finding a bomb underneath your car?
A: Not finding it.
I'd developed a really painful abscess and had to pick up one of those extra sensitive toothpastes. It worked fine, but there was a drawback... after I had the necessary dental work done, the breakup was traumatic.
Q: Why is the lion considered the king of beasts in fables?
A: He's the mane character.
Looking for a he-man, ladies? I'm here to tell you that I'm 6 foot 3 inches!
Wish I could also tell you those weren't separate measurements.
"I don't understand, comrade. Every day you buy from me the Moscow Times, take one look at front page, then throw it in trash."
"I buy paper only for obituary news."
"But the obituaries are on back page."
"Putin's will be on front."
* * *
Adult: "What's the matter, youngster?"
Boy: "I'm too small to reach the doorbell. Could you push it for me please?"
Adult: "Why certainly! There you go! Anything else you'd like me to do?"
Boy: "Yeah... run like hell!"
* * *
I was born a man, but insist on using the women's restroom. That's because I identify as a pervert.
* * *
The ghost of Hercules strolls into a restaurant where he orders a sumptuous meal and a glass of bourbon.
"Sorry, sir," the waiter returns. "We don't serve strong spirits."
* * *
My brother just proposed to the woman with whom he's shared a long-distance relationship, offering a wedding ring over the the ham broadcast equipment they both own. It's an instance where radio-carbon dating really paid off!
* * *
Brunette: "Okay... we've worked on your math. Now let's test your knowledge of geography. What's the captial of California?"
Blonde: "Hmmm... 'C', I think."
* * *
Back when I was a kid, I was trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed up as an a Tootsie Pop when I ran into the bully who'd tormented me throughout second grade. Needless to say, I took a lickin'.
* * *
"Excuse me, ma'am... did I step on your foot a minute ago when I left to use the restroom?"
"Yes, young man! You certainly did!"
"Great! This is the right row, then!"
* * *
Miss Johnson was the easiest grade school teacher I ever had. She was a 60 year old spinster and just didn't give an F anymore.
* * *
"This is 911. State the nature of your emergency."
"... please bear with me..."
"Sir, get off the line! This number is not to used frivolously!"
"Will you fer cris'sake talk to the bear that just broke into me house! Nothing I say seems to please it!"
* * *
Whoever invented sidewalks should be written up in the history books! Such a valuable invention... when I was a young man, they kept me off the streets!
* * *
There once was a little monkey who swung one way, then the other. His name was Bi-Curious George.
* * *
My relationship with my old school buddies is just like the show "Friends"... I haven't seen any of them since 2004.
* * *
Q: Can aquarium decorations be returned once they've been used?
A: Sorry, no reef funds.
* * *
I enjoy Walt Disney's "Snow White" so much, I ordered two duplicates of the movie poster, one to put up in my home and the other to put up at work. That was three months ago... someday, my prints will come.
* * *
A priest is in the woods enjoying the glories of nature when a ferocious mountain lion appears out of nowhere, preparing to strike. The priest is terrified, but pulling himself together he lifts his eyes heavenward and exhorts, "Merciful Father, please let this dumb brute understand the ways of your holy religion!"
Immediately, a ray of light shines down from above, striking the cougar directly on the head. The great cat bends down on its knees and places its paws together in supplication.
"Dear Lord," it meekly mews, "for this which I am about to receive, let me be truly grateful."
* * *
Local folks accused me of using terribly tasteless Halloween decorations on my house this year. I had to explain it wasn't my fault... the damn state makes me put up those notices.
* * *
Q: What's more frightening than finding a bomb underneath your car?
A: Not finding it.
* * *
I'd developed a really painful abscess and had to pick up one of those extra sensitive toothpastes. It worked fine, but there was a drawback... after I had the necessary dental work done, the breakup was traumatic.
* * *
Q: Why is the lion considered the king of beasts in fables?
A: He's the mane character.
* * *
Looking for a he-man, ladies? I'm here to tell you that I'm 6 foot 3 inches!
Wish I could also tell you those weren't separate measurements.
* * *
"I don't understand, comrade. Every day you buy from me the Moscow Times, take one look at front page, then throw it in trash."
"I buy paper only for obituary news."
"But the obituaries are on back page."
"Putin's will be on front."
