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Friday night nyuks (11-11-22).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,904
Points
38
If you're going to meet the US President, formal dress is encouraged but not mandatory. Prefer to wears a short-sleeved shirt? Go right ahead! Every citizen is allowed two bare arms.

* * *​

I attended a Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night and stood attentively through the whole thing. I'd have preferred to sit down instead, but I couldn't... all the seats were taken.

* * *​

"I hope we meet again!" is a perfectly acceptable way to say goodbye; it's just not the sort of thing you want to hear at your doctor's office.

* * *​

There's only one house cleaning service in our town, but no one should ever use it; the damn outfit's affiliated with the Mafia! You can tell as soon as the cleaning crew exits the van... every one them's a maid man!

* * *​

An ancient inventor had just come up with a revolutionary navigational device to help him find his way through the woods that separated his residence from the local tavern. Trouble was, he had no idea what to call the brilliant invention. That problem was finally solved when he got to his front door and his wife asked him why he was home so early.

"Tha's easy!" he slurred. "I hadda come piss!"

* * *​

I've got this terrific new joke about a guy who gets pepper sprayed! Just wait till you hear it... it's really a Macing!

* * *​

Tot: "Mommy, how come we don't go see Cousin Patty anymore?"

Mom: "Don't you remember, darling? She fell off a balcony last New Year's."

Tot: "So where is she now?"

Mom: "She's in Heaven, dear."

Tot: "Wow! That was one hell of a bounce!"

* * *​

My wife calls me a sex machine! Maybe not in those exact words... what she actually says is, "You're such a fucking tool!"

* * *​

"Last Wednesday at the church, my auntie and my grandma kept needling me with, 'You're next! You're next!' "

"Don't be so annoyed! I always thought that was a nice wedding tradition!"

"Maybe so. Not so nice at a funeral, though."

* * *​

I was in the bar last night when some older gal started giving me the eye. Well, I'm nothing if not a gentleman; I put it in a glass of water for her.

* * *​

A thief dressed up in a traditional Peruvian owl costume robbed the First National Bank while a second person in similar disguise loitered outside near the getaway car. Police say they were Inca hoots.

* * *​

Running a garment factory was a high-pressure enterprise until I installed robotic sewing machines. They make it seamstress free!

* * *​

Incontinence Awareness Week started on Monday... ran clear through Friday.

* * *​

Did you ever hear about the time i did a handstand? It's an exclamation mark now.

* * *​

Lorena Bobbitt was recently involved in a fender bender. Evidently some dick cut her off.

* * *​

In olden days, riders used to hang lanterns on either side of the horse so it could see where it was going at night. This was the very first use of saddle-light navigation.

* * *​

In medieval times, ancient manuscripts were reproduced by hand and the possibility of human error was high. For that reason, the abbot of a presigious monastery had one of his monks unlock one of the earliest church documents so it could be compared to their copies for errors. After several hours, he went to check on the young man and found him wailing his eyes out.

"What have you found so distressing, my son?" the abbot questioned.

The monk blurted out through his tears, "All these wasted years! The word is actually 'celebrate'!"

* * *​

"In an old '60s sitcom, the character of Sister Bertrille could use the aerodynamic quality of her religious vestments to soar into the sky. What was the name of the show?"

" Let's see... 'The Flying Prioress'?... 'The Soaring Mother Superior'?'

"Nope. 'Nun of the Above'."

* * *​

US State with the cleanest team uniforms: New Jersey.

* * *​

Just for argument's sake... what would happen if I raised the tone of my voice?

* * *​

My cousin went to New Guinea to do missionary work with a remote tribe of cannibals. It was their first taste of Christianity.

* * *​

CHP officer: "I pulled you over because you were driving way too slowly."

Driver: "Well, the road sign said I-30."

CHP officer: "Sir, that's the interstate number, not the speed limit! Just look at your wife... even she's freaked out by that mistake!"

Driver: "Nah. She always acts that way after we pass through I-170."
 
LOL :p
Great collection, as usual. :D
My favorite:
My cousin went to New Guinea to do missionary work with a remote tribe of cannibals. It was their first taste of Christianity.
 
Thank you Milagros! :D A most devout choice this week! I'm sure God approves... if you are what you eat, the New Guinea cannibals are the holiest people on Earth!
 
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