Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,913
- Points
- 38
Never introduce a baker to your girlfriend... he knows all the best ways to fill a tart with cream.
Q: How do you make a stoner grumpy?
A: Infiltrate his stash with crab grass.
We had a traditional Thanksgiving this year... we invited the neighbors over for dinner, then killed them and took their property.
"I just bought my son his Xmas present."
"You bought him what kind of present?"
"Xmas... you know, short for Christmas."
"I see. What did you get him, then?"
"The newest Xbox."
"Okay. So what's a Christbox?"
My brother embarrassed me at his wedding ceremony... told me I was the worst best man he could have picked! I was absolutely speechless!
This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations next to plumbing supplies. They're advertising it this way: "Aisle B, Home For Christmas!"
I've often heard it said that the grass is always greener on the other side. I thought I'd put that to the test and you know what I found out? The whole notion's a load of crap! If you turn a clump of grass over, the other side is brown!
Bad news and better news for Russia: Russian citizens in 2023 will have it worse than in 2022. On the plus side, it will better than in 2024.
Proletariat #1: "The Marxists say they are liberating the people of the world from the chains of Capitalism. Do you think that's true?"
Proletariat #2: "Oh, absolutely! Remember that gold chain I used to have?"
I was forced to tell my little son that his beloved pet hamster had gotten sucked up into the vacuum cleaner. With tears streaming down his face, he pleaded, "Please, daddy! Can we get another one?"
"Yeah, we're gonna have to," I replied. "I think that little rat's carcass ruined the motor."
No matter how much they plead, never let a couple of elephants use your swimming pool. Between them, they have only one pair of trunks.
Damn health conscious mall! The smoke shop I used to frequent shut down and a women's apparel store took its place. I missed my last chance by a couple of days... clothes, but no cigar.
Q: Why did Bambi's mom become a prostitute?
A: She wanted to make a quick buck.
My wife gripes that I never come home from work anymore. Well, of course not... I work remotely in the den now!
Q: Which nation has the least industrial pollution?
A: Argentina. That's where you'll find Buenos Aires.
To impress the chicks, I refer to my manhood as The Incredible Hulk. All that's done so far is scare them off... they assume that when it swells up, it turns green.
Q: Why do politicians need a thick skin?
A: All insects have it. It lets them stand up even without a spine.
Every Thanksgiving, my wife manages to burn the cobbler. He does such a great job fixing our shoes, so I have no idea why she won't invite him.
Psychiatrist: "Colonel, when was the last time you and your wife had sex?"
Colonel: "1955."
Psychiatrist: "Good God! Why has it been so long?"
Colonel: "Long? By my watch, it's only 2100."
Yesterday, a delivery truck carrying a packed of thesauruses broke down outside my apartment building. As soon as the driver left to call a mechanic, hordes of ne'er-do-wells descended on the defenseless van and stole every copy! I was alarmed, appalled, disgusted, dismayed, horrified, nauseated, outraged, repelled, revolted and scandalized!
The US has become a haven for podophiles! COVID restrictions have been over for months, but it's still public policy to maintain at least six feet!
On Friday, a turkey strode boldly through my front door and smirked, "Congratulate me!"
"What for?" I returned, annoyed.
"Thanksgiving is long over," he continued, "and I didn't end up on anybody's plate!"
Well, I couldn't argue with that. I guess he did deserve special consideration for surviving the holiday, so I decided we should celebrate... I made him a sandwich.
* * *
Q: How do you make a stoner grumpy?
A: Infiltrate his stash with crab grass.
* * *
We had a traditional Thanksgiving this year... we invited the neighbors over for dinner, then killed them and took their property.
* * *
"I just bought my son his Xmas present."
"You bought him what kind of present?"
"Xmas... you know, short for Christmas."
"I see. What did you get him, then?"
"The newest Xbox."
"Okay. So what's a Christbox?"
* * *
My brother embarrassed me at his wedding ceremony... told me I was the worst best man he could have picked! I was absolutely speechless!
* * *
This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations next to plumbing supplies. They're advertising it this way: "Aisle B, Home For Christmas!"
* * *
I've often heard it said that the grass is always greener on the other side. I thought I'd put that to the test and you know what I found out? The whole notion's a load of crap! If you turn a clump of grass over, the other side is brown!
* * *
Bad news and better news for Russia: Russian citizens in 2023 will have it worse than in 2022. On the plus side, it will better than in 2024.
* * *
Proletariat #1: "The Marxists say they are liberating the people of the world from the chains of Capitalism. Do you think that's true?"
Proletariat #2: "Oh, absolutely! Remember that gold chain I used to have?"
* * *
I was forced to tell my little son that his beloved pet hamster had gotten sucked up into the vacuum cleaner. With tears streaming down his face, he pleaded, "Please, daddy! Can we get another one?"
"Yeah, we're gonna have to," I replied. "I think that little rat's carcass ruined the motor."
* * *
No matter how much they plead, never let a couple of elephants use your swimming pool. Between them, they have only one pair of trunks.
* * *
Damn health conscious mall! The smoke shop I used to frequent shut down and a women's apparel store took its place. I missed my last chance by a couple of days... clothes, but no cigar.
* * *
Q: Why did Bambi's mom become a prostitute?
A: She wanted to make a quick buck.
* * *
My wife gripes that I never come home from work anymore. Well, of course not... I work remotely in the den now!
* * *
Q: Which nation has the least industrial pollution?
A: Argentina. That's where you'll find Buenos Aires.
* * *
To impress the chicks, I refer to my manhood as The Incredible Hulk. All that's done so far is scare them off... they assume that when it swells up, it turns green.
* * *
Q: Why do politicians need a thick skin?
A: All insects have it. It lets them stand up even without a spine.
* * *
Every Thanksgiving, my wife manages to burn the cobbler. He does such a great job fixing our shoes, so I have no idea why she won't invite him.
* * *
Psychiatrist: "Colonel, when was the last time you and your wife had sex?"
Colonel: "1955."
Psychiatrist: "Good God! Why has it been so long?"
Colonel: "Long? By my watch, it's only 2100."
* * *
Yesterday, a delivery truck carrying a packed of thesauruses broke down outside my apartment building. As soon as the driver left to call a mechanic, hordes of ne'er-do-wells descended on the defenseless van and stole every copy! I was alarmed, appalled, disgusted, dismayed, horrified, nauseated, outraged, repelled, revolted and scandalized!
* * *
The US has become a haven for podophiles! COVID restrictions have been over for months, but it's still public policy to maintain at least six feet!
* * *
On Friday, a turkey strode boldly through my front door and smirked, "Congratulate me!"
"What for?" I returned, annoyed.
"Thanksgiving is long over," he continued, "and I didn't end up on anybody's plate!"
Well, I couldn't argue with that. I guess he did deserve special consideration for surviving the holiday, so I decided we should celebrate... I made him a sandwich.
