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Looking for online dating advice from females only

pinksocks

TMF Novice
Joined
Apr 10, 2004
Messages
69
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In the past month I have joined multiple online dating sites. I just don't understand what I am doing wrong and need to vent. I'm a 52 year old average looking guy but I have my shit together and for all intents and purposes I am a good catch and know how to hold a decent, respectable conversation with someone online. A few days ago I was messaging with a 50 year old lady who seemed very genuine. We exchanged messages for 3 days and the flow of conversation was good. I logged in the next morning and our message history was gone which means she either blocked me, got banned or deleted her profile. Now I am sitting here thinking WTF? No explanation, just gone. Not that she owed me a thing but still frustrating and rude. I wasn't expecting this from a 50 year old lady in college studying psychology. LOL. Maybe it was some sort of experiment for her classes? Whatever.

Tonight I was on another site and messaged a lady who had a great profile. She messaged me back and we proceeded to have a nice conversation for over 2.5 hrs. Messaging on dating sites is in turtle mode. Maybe we had a dozen messages each over that time period. I finally sent her a message saying:

"I am very interested in you. What is your preference for getting to know each other a bit more? My preference would be to message for a day or two and then exchange phone numbers so we can have a few conversations and plan a date when we feel comfortable".

That was the end of that. Are you F'n kidding me? I don't get it. What was wrong with that? Ladies, please give me your thoughts. Was that pushy. I don't think it was at all.

For any of you who might be using online dating currently or have used it in the past, what is the secret to getting an actual date and not just messaging back and forth and it going nowhere? I feel if I am too laid back and wait for that one or two messages per day that she will start messaging somebody else and I lose out. On the other hand if I express my interest in a lady she flakes out and disappears.

I am talking with one lady currently and it is moving at the pace of a sloth on benadryl. She made a comment that online dating is like trying to nail jello to a wall. LMFAO. So true.
 
1) There are many other men looking to date as well, and what I think can happen is that women end up talking with multiple men at the same time on dating websites, and go on a date with the ones they feel the most chemistry with
Nothing wrong with that at all, because it's how dating works. Same can be said for men talking to multiple women.

2) Regarding chemistry. If there isn't a feeling of chemistry, then people tend to drop off regardless of gender. I don't think you can do much about chemistry other than just being yourself and the chemistry happens with someone compatible. However, being an interested person in general in life makes you a more interesting person to other people.

3) Ghosting is the norm with online dating and happens a lot. I've had women do it to me and I've also done it to women. None of us owe anything to anyone else when we haven't even met in person yet. And with the sheer number of messages with different people happening with online dating, which aren't really conversations at the end of the day, nobody has the time to explain themselves to a complete stranger as to why they don't want to communicate anymore. And maybe they don't even know why they don't want to, and don't want to take time figuring out why. They just feel like they don't want to, and instead of analyzing that, they just honor the feeling and roll with it.

4) Regarding asking for a date, just ask for one if you'd like to meet up and keep it simple. "I'd like to meet up sometime. Would you?". That's it. They can say yes or no or disappear. And of they do, so what. It just means they aren't for you anyway, and that's okay.

Edit: Just saw you're looking for advice from females only. Good luck anyway bro.
 
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Just had to provide an update. The lady who I sent a message to expressing my interest replied the next day and said she fell asleep that night. Over the next few days we communicated daily and she asked for my number. She said she would text me so that I had her number and then we could have a phone call. Last night she texted me to say Hi and then when I asked if she could talk on the phone she said she had company. Fast forward to 10pm and she says she is field dressing a deer? At 10pm on a Monday?? I text her tonight and ask if she has some free time to talk. She says she can only text tonight because it is a long story, but she has a roommate and a small house with no privacy. I told her I would rather talk on the phone so maybe we can talk tomorrow night? I told her she could text me if she had any questions before we spoke on the phone and I would reply when I can. This meaning I usually eat late and if she texted I might not reply right away. At this point she loses her shit and says the last 2 paragraphs tell me that we would not get along. Got it. Peace out.

Are you kidding me right now? She was apparently upset because I said I would reply when I can. I try to make amends and explain to her that texting is hard to interpret exactly what someone is trying to say, unlike a real phone call. In the end she now tells me she is busy and can't even text tonight. LOL!!! I'm done. I told her she showed her true personality before we even had a chance. Really glad I didn't sink any more time into this one. She obviously has serious issues. WTF? Online dating really is ridiculous.

The crazy part is that there is no proof whatsoever that this was a real female and those were her pictures on that profile. For all I know, this could have been a 10 year old boy or a 70 year old man with a fake profile.
 
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I find it a good policy to always do a background check on someone your dating online. That of course goes both ways.
 
Online dating is a waste of time for 95% of people. I tried it and never got so much as a response so I just gave up and am pretty sure I'll be dying alone.
 
Online dating is a waste of time for 95% of people. I tried it and never got so much as a response so I just gave up and am pretty sure I'll be dying alone.

It was much easier before bots, fake profiles and scammers were a thing. I met 4 different ladies on Plenty of Fish back in 2006 to 2010 and had a dating relationship with each of them. 2022 is a different story. I am on Ok cupid, Bumble and Plenty of Fish. I have had messages from 5 or 6 women on POF but most of them are very unappealing. LOL. Even though last night was a letdown I got a text this morning from a lady that I have been pursuing for weeks now. I sent her a very direct message last night that it is time to start communicating a little more if she is serious about meeting someone. Luckily that worked!
 
If this is happening so much, I'd want to see the conversion(s), in text vs talking , it IS possible you are saying something someone may take as off putting, regardless of how you mean something you type.
 
It was much easier before bots, fake profiles and scammers were a thing. I met 4 different ladies on Plenty of Fish back in 2006 to 2010 and had a dating relationship with each of them. 2022 is a different story. I am on Ok cupid, Bumble and Plenty of Fish. I have had messages from 5 or 6 women on POF but most of them are very unappealing. LOL. Even though last night was a letdown I got a text this morning from a lady that I have been pursuing for weeks now. I sent her a very direct message last night that it is time to start communicating a little more if she is serious about meeting someone. Luckily that worked!

I think I see what your problem is.
 
I think I see what your problem is.

Some women won't transition from one or two messages a day to moving to the next step which is exchanging phone numbers, texting, having a real phone conversation and then actually going on a date. That's the whole purpose of online dating, actually meet someone. When they are not taking that next step there is nothing to lose by pushing things a bit. I just noticed you bolded the part about the ladies that have sent me messages being unappealing. LOL. I'm talking very unappealing. I'm not that desperate. Think of a 350 lb, 60 year old woman who got hit with the ugly stick. I don't need a lady to look like a model but she has to be somewhat attractive to me.
 
Some women won't transition from one or two messages a day to moving to the next step which is exchanging phone numbers, texting, having a real phone conversation and then actually going on a date. That's the whole purpose of online dating, actually meet someone. When they are not taking that next step there is nothing to lose by pushing things a bit. I just noticed you bolded the part about the ladies that have sent me messages being unappealing. LOL. I'm talking very unappealing. I'm not that desperate. Think of a 350 lb, 60 year old woman who got hit with the ugly stick. I don't need a lady to look like a model but she has to be somewhat attractive to me.



Still, we ugly people have feelings as well.
 
I gave up on online dating after I got into my 30's, 10 years ago. All scam artists from what I found. Especially if it's a free website. Eharmony was better, but was hooked up with almost no matches. I guess being very particular in what I'm okay with is bad maybe? So I've been single my whole life and am now 40 and with a health issue that makes me cranky that got way worse starting at 28 I'm pretty much okay now with never finding anyone. At least I have more time for what I want to do with my probably more limited than the average time left seeing as how the health issue prevents me from exercising unless I want to pay for it for months with ungodly bad twitching.
 
FWIW, "I am very interested in you. What is your preference for getting to know each other a bit more? My preference would be to message for a day or two and then exchange phone numbers so we can have a few conversations and plan a date when we feel comfortable", would have been a red flag for me. While you may not have meant it, it was a bit pushy and demanding, and the last sentence especially comes off as overly detailed and controlling.

To better explain, the denotation of that message, for a person who receives a lot of messages online and constantly has to interpret and read between the lines: 'I have a clear plan of what I want to happen, and am getting frustrated with the pace of this interaction, preferring to push things along to my speed so I may receive satisfaction, regardless of your comfort level. I will half-heartedly ask your opinion, then clearly detail how I want and expect our relationship to proceed, and I prefer you meet my terms both with this interaction and all interactions in the future.' Very creepy.

While I am not trying to be mean or tick you off, that is what I interpreted, and other women may well read it the same way, hence the sort of some of the dating site responses you are receiving. Think about your expectations, along with how what you say may be interpreted by someone in a different situation. Consider that a woman on a dating site's first priority is her own well-being and safety, which means she is taking time to figure out a potential partner's personality, compatibility, and potential harm level. Pushing her outside her comfort zone with what seems demands is a red flag and huge turn off.

Again, consider what you are saying and how you are saying it; once you understand where other people are coming from and how you are presenting yourself/how you may be interpreted, you should be more successful in this endeavor. A relationship doesn't have a set timeline, even though you want to have one; let things evolve, without giving demands, even subtle ones. Best wishes for success with online dating.

Regards
-Ms Black

PS- instead of the quote you provided, perhaps say, 'It was fun messaging about ABC and XYZ topics. Would you like to text or chat sometime?' Do you see the difference?
 
FWIW, "I am very interested in you. What is your preference for getting to know each other a bit more? My preference would be to message for a day or two and then exchange phone numbers so we can have a few conversations and plan a date when we feel comfortable", would have been a red flag for me. While you may not have meant it, it was a bit pushy and demanding, and the last sentence especially comes off as overly detailed and controlling.

To better explain, the denotation of that message, for a person who receives a lot of messages online and constantly has to interpret and read between the lines: 'I have a clear plan of what I want to happen, and am getting frustrated with the pace of this interaction, preferring to push things along to my speed so I may receive satisfaction, regardless of your comfort level. I will half-heartedly ask your opinion, then clearly detail how I want and expect our relationship to proceed, and I prefer you meet my terms both with this interaction and all interactions in the future.' Very creepy.

While I am not trying to be mean or tick you off, that is what I interpreted, and other women may well read it the same way, hence the sort of some of the dating site responses you are receiving. Think about your expectations, along with how what you say may be interpreted by someone in a different situation. Consider that a woman on a dating site's first priority is her own well-being and safety, which means she is taking time to figure out a potential partner's personality, compatibility, and potential harm level. Pushing her outside her comfort zone with what seems demands is a red flag and huge turn off.

Again, consider what you are saying and how you are saying it; once you understand where other people are coming from and how you are presenting yourself/how you may be interpreted, you should be more successful in this endeavor. A relationship doesn't have a set timeline, even though you want to have one; let things evolve, without giving demands, even subtle ones. Best wishes for success with online dating.

Regards
-Ms Black

PS- instead of the quote you provided, perhaps say, 'It was fun messaging about ABC and XYZ topics. Would you like to text or chat sometime?' Do you see the difference?

Listen to this advice.
 
I gave up on online dating after I got into my 30's, 10 years ago. All scam artists from what I found. Especially if it's a free website. Eharmony was better, but was hooked up with almost no matches. I guess being very particular in what I'm okay with is bad maybe? So I've been single my whole life and am now 40 and with a health issue that makes me cranky that got way worse starting at 28 I'm pretty much okay now with never finding anyone. At least I have more time for what I want to do with my probably more limited than the average time left seeing as how the health issue prevents me from exercising unless I want to pay for it for months with ungodly bad twitching.

They aren't all scam artists. Between 2006 and 2009 I had dating relationships with 4 different women. They were all real and all very nice, down to earth people. Again in 2020 I met a girl and we went on a few dates. I suppose some sites are better than others. I am having no luck currently with Okcupid and Bumble. Plenty of Fish is my go to with all the others I met in the past.
 
FWIW, "I am very interested in you. What is your preference for getting to know each other a bit more? My preference would be to message for a day or two and then exchange phone numbers so we can have a few conversations and plan a date when we feel comfortable", would have been a red flag for me. While you may not have meant it, it was a bit pushy and demanding, and the last sentence especially comes off as overly detailed and controlling.

To better explain, the denotation of that message, for a person who receives a lot of messages online and constantly has to interpret and read between the lines: 'I have a clear plan of what I want to happen, and am getting frustrated with the pace of this interaction, preferring to push things along to my speed so I may receive satisfaction, regardless of your comfort level. I will half-heartedly ask your opinion, then clearly detail how I want and expect our relationship to proceed, and I prefer you meet my terms both with this interaction and all interactions in the future.' Very creepy.

While I am not trying to be mean or tick you off, that is what I interpreted, and other women may well read it the same way, hence the sort of some of the dating site responses you are receiving. Think about your expectations, along with how what you say may be interpreted by someone in a different situation. Consider that a woman on a dating site's first priority is her own well-being and safety, which means she is taking time to figure out a potential partner's personality, compatibility, and potential harm level. Pushing her outside her comfort zone with what seems demands is a red flag and huge turn off.

Again, consider what you are saying and how you are saying it; once you understand where other people are coming from and how you are presenting yourself/how you may be interpreted, you should be more successful in this endeavor. A relationship doesn't have a set timeline, even though you want to have one; let things evolve, without giving demands, even subtle ones. Best wishes for success with online dating.

Regards
-Ms Black

PS- instead of the quote you provided, perhaps say, 'It was fun messaging about ABC and XYZ topics. Would you like to text or chat sometime?' Do you see the difference?

Thanks for the feedback. I have reached the point of exchanging numbers with 3 different women so far. The first one wanted to text more than talk. The second one flat out refused to talk on the phone. The third one mirrored my desire to a tee and she was the one that wanted to talk on the phone. Funny how people are so different. I never really know what approach to take. At the moment it is more of a sit back and see approach.
 
FWIW, "I am very interested in you. What is your preference for getting to know each other a bit more? My preference would be to message for a day or two and then exchange phone numbers so we can have a few conversations and plan a date when we feel comfortable", would have been a red flag for me. While you may not have meant it, it was a bit pushy and demanding, and the last sentence especially comes off as overly detailed and controlling.

To better explain, the denotation of that message, for a person who receives a lot of messages online and constantly has to interpret and read between the lines: 'I have a clear plan of what I want to happen, and am getting frustrated with the pace of this interaction, preferring to push things along to my speed so I may receive satisfaction, regardless of your comfort level. I will half-heartedly ask your opinion, then clearly detail how I want and expect our relationship to proceed, and I prefer you meet my terms both with this interaction and all interactions in the future.' Very creepy.

While I am not trying to be mean or tick you off, that is what I interpreted, and other women may well read it the same way, hence the sort of some of the dating site responses you are receiving. Think about your expectations, along with how what you say may be interpreted by someone in a different situation. Consider that a woman on a dating site's first priority is her own well-being and safety, which means she is taking time to figure out a potential partner's personality, compatibility, and potential harm level. Pushing her outside her comfort zone with what seems demands is a red flag and huge turn off.

Again, consider what you are saying and how you are saying it; once you understand where other people are coming from and how you are presenting yourself/how you may be interpreted, you should be more successful in this endeavor. A relationship doesn't have a set timeline, even though you want to have one; let things evolve, without giving demands, even subtle ones. Best wishes for success with online dating.

Regards
-Ms Black

PS- instead of the quote you provided, perhaps say, 'It was fun messaging about ABC and XYZ topics. Would you like to text or chat sometime?' Do you see the difference?

This right here OP.

Take this advice OP.

And relax, love your life, be an interested person in life and you'll be and interesting one. Let things flow naturally.

Also, man, why are you referring to women as ugly, and as a joke, who are also online and looking for love? That is a really mean way to perceive people and basically screams what you actually think of yourself, which is also something you will have to overcome if you want to find love. It also speaks volumes as to what kind of a partner you would be if that is how you think of yourself as well. It's called projection. And projection is really ugly.

It is one thing to not be interested in someone for any reason. It is a whole other thing to look down on them for it as though there is something wrong with them.

Did you not stop to think that maybe some of these women are so insecure about how they look and what people think of them, that it is why they're dating online to begin with? And they feel too insecure about doing it socially in person as they live their life?

Have you considered that maybe you're doing it for the same reason?

Have you considered that regardless of how you may come across that maybe some of these women don't move forward with you out of the same insecurity meeting in person?

And what the fuck are you doing messaging with women you aren't interested in anyway?

As a guy who has had success dating, I gave you advice before. You decided to deflect it and I still see you on here whining about not getting any dates. A fetish website of all places.

Have you not stopped to consider that maybe it isn't them, but that it is you?

Have some compassion man...
 
Thanks for the feedback. I have reached the point of exchanging numbers with 3 different women so far. The first one wanted to text more than talk. The second one flat out refused to talk on the phone. The third one mirrored my desire to a tee and she was the one that wanted to talk on the phone. Funny how people are so different. I never really know what approach to take. At the moment it is more of a sit back and see approach.

The approach you take is simply just authentically being you. Not trying to figure out what the other person wants and acting that way in the meantime so you can draw them in.

That is called manipulation.

The only way you're gonna find someone and have a genuine connection is to just be yourself. But first you have to find and connect with yourself. Otherwise it is inauthentic and you're just pretending to be someone to win the other person and manipulating them to get what you want.

Bro you've got red flags waving all around.
 
Old, far from conventionally attractive, married three times with a love life encompassing incredible highs and ghastly lows, some happiness, much misery, many successes and infinitely more failures. My present wife of 16 years is a former professional ballet dancer who's 27 years my junior, poor woman.

Thus, as an incredibly battered veteran of the Erotic Wars, unfortunately I'm qualified to offer you advice- take it, or leave it:

Lesson 1- An escort or stripper would rather not associate with you in the first place, is only there for the money, wants it all to be over with as soon as possible, and secretly wishes you were dead.

Lesson 2- Don't rely on apps.

Whenever I was single I just chatted to random women IRL, and if they chatted back (and a lot didn't) sometimes we'd become friends and sometimes that would lead to more interesting things. Sometimes but not always. But at least I knew right from the get-go that they were female and that I found them attractive.

My success rate online was far less, so I generally stuck to chatting to the woman next to me in line at a theatre, or at the same table in the library, or at a bus stop for instance, rather than chasing an internet Wilhelmina o' the Wisp. Those are, incidentally, three examples of occasions where I did connect as per the subject of this website.

The leadup to my marriage to KT (16 years now, known one another for 18) began when I gathered my completely nonexistent courage and began talking to her because she was sitting a few computers away from me in a London cybercafe.

Boring and pointless it may seem, but starting a random conversation about something inconsequential (that takes practice too) is what I'd advise for anyone, keeping in mind you'll usually be rejected at one point or another by every women to whom you speak. Yes, it hurts, yes, it's yet another blow to the confidence, no, it won't kill you and yes, if you summon up your courage even if you think you have none you will recover to 'get back on the horse after being thrown' and try again with someone else, and the sooner the better if you don't want to join those loathsome incels who somehow delight in blaming women for their own inadequacies.

Just be decent about it and don't complain about women. They are what they are. What would you say to a sailor complaining about the waves or a boxer annoyed that he'd been punched?

That's romantic life for pretty much every man, and no-one said this was easy.

But keep trying, roll the bones, and good luck.
 
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Old, far from conventionally attractive, married three times with a love life encompassing incredible highs and ghastly lows, some happiness, much misery, many successes and infinitely more failures. My present wife of 16 years is a former professional ballet dancer who's 27 years my junior, poor woman.

Thus, as an incredibly battered veteran of the Erotic Wars, unfortunately I'm qualified to offer you advice- take it, or leave it:

Lesson 1- An escort or stripper would rather not associate with you in the first place, is only there for the money, wants it all to be over with as soon as possible, and secretly wishes you were dead.

Lesson 2- Don't rely on apps.

Whenever I was single I just chatted to random women IRL, and if they chatted back (and a lot didn't) sometimes we'd become friends and sometimes that would lead to more interesting things. Sometimes but not always. But at least I knew right from the get-go that they were female and that I found them attractive.

My success rate online was far less, so I generally stuck to chatting to the woman next to me in line at a theatre, or at the same table in the library, or at a bus stop for instance, rather than chasing an internet Wilhelmina o' the Wisp. Those are, incidentally, three examples of occasions where I did connect as per the subject of this website.

The leadup to my marriage to KT (16 years now, known one another for 18) began when I gathered my completely nonexistent courage and began talking to her because she was sitting a few computers away from me in a London cybercafe.

Boring and pointless it may seem, but starting a random conversation about something inconsequential (that takes practice too) is what I'd advise for anyone, keeping in mind you'll usually be rejected at one point or another by every women to whom you speak. Yes, it hurts, yes, it's yet another blow to the confidence, no, it won't kill you and yes, if you summon up your courage even if you think you have none you will recover to 'get back on the horse after being thrown' and try again with someone else, and the sooner the better if you don't want to join those loathsome incels who somehow delight in blaming women for their own inadequacies.

Just be decent about it and don't complain about women. They are what they are. What would you say to a sailor complaining about the waves or a boxer annoyed that he'd been punched?

That's romantic life for pretty much every man, and no-one said this was easy.

But keep trying, roll the bones, and good luck.

Sounds reasonable to me.:xena:
 
1. Take your time getting to know someone. Don't rush into anything too quickly.

2. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. Sharing your interests and hobbies can help someone get to know you better.

3. Be honest and genuine. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and open up about what you are looking for in a relationship.

4. Don't give out personal information, such as your address or phone number, until you feel comfortable with the person.

5. Meet in a public place the first few times to get to know each other.

6. Maintain boundaries. Don't be afraid to set boundaries and communicate them to the other person.

7. Use caution when sending pictures or videos.

8. Listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right, trust your instincts and move on.

9. Have fun and stay safe!
 
It was much easier before bots, fake profiles and scammers were a thing. I met 4 different ladies on Plenty of Fish back in 2006 to 2010 and had a dating relationship with each of them. 2022 is a different story. I am on Ok cupid, Bumble and Plenty of Fish. I have had messages from 5 or 6 women on POF but most of them are very unappealing. LOL. Even though last night was a letdown I got a text this morning from a lady that I have been pursuing for weeks now. I sent her a very direct message last night that it is time to start communicating a little more if she is serious about meeting someone. Luckily that worked!

Plenty of Fish was great for finding someone for a quick bang back 10-15 years ago. I don't even know if the site still exists. Meeting someone new gets much, much more difficult as we get older. The excitement disappears and it becomes more of a fear of being alone and having to accept that the pool of "single and looking" gets smaller the older we get. I have been with someone for 12 years now, and although we haven't always had the best relationship at times, I've conceded to the reality that it's either stay in a relationship I'm comfortable with or go back into the unknown and back to meeting women online who lie on half their profile info and have a ton of emotional baggage. Also, I don't like women that post tons of photos of themselves holding alocholic beverages and making stupid drunk faces with their friends. At 40 years old I decided stay with the woman I have or I'd rather be alone, but I will NEVER EVER go back to online dating...
 
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